


The Theory of Attraction

by deanieweaniewrites



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A lot of alcoholism, Accountant Castiel, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boss/Employee Relationship, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Friends With Benefits To Lovers, High School Lovers to Adult Lovers, Highschool AU, I mean it, M/M, Minor Character Death, Office AU, POV Alternating, Slow Burn, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Underage Drinking, it's a major slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:22:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 80,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27584699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanieweaniewrites/pseuds/deanieweaniewrites
Summary: Castiel has been working as an accountant at Sandover for eleven years. His job is steady and his life doesn’t ever seem to change, until his new boss comes in. His boss is none other than Dean Winchester, his ex-boyfriend from high school. Dean comes into his life like a tornado, changing everything that Castiel knows about himself. Memories resurface, and Castiel’s life is crumbling before his eyes. The only thing that keeps him afloat is his new boss, who isn’t all that new to him at all.Updates every Monday
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen/Sam Winchester, Meg Masters/Gabriel
Comments: 63
Kudos: 121
Collections: Takeout Tacos, The Destiel Fan Survey Favs Collection





	1. The Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my new fic! This one has been in the works for a while and I'm very excited to share it! Most of it is already written so updates should be regular! I should be finishing this fic during NaNo if it doesn't run too long, but these boys have taken me on such a journey through this fic that I have no idea how long it's going to be. Buckle up for a long ride, this is a slow burn and I have at least 20 chapters. If you like this, I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
> 
> Edit: I'm leaving that note there because it's hilarious now. A few updates: I did not finish during NaNo. I expected this story to finish at 90k and it finished at 124k in January. There are 25 chapters, as you can see. I wasn't kidding about this bring a slowburn. The tags don't lie. I'll edit this note to be professional looking once this story is done. In the meantime, have this jumbled mess. I hope you enjoy reading! I really enjoyed writing this.

Castiel’s eyes opened as his alarm blared out its morning call. His arm snaked out from underneath the blankets and turned it off before sliding back into its warm cave. Castiel rubbed a hand over his face before violently kicking the blankets back to expose his body to the cold bedroom air. He sighed and sat up, stretching his arms over his head. He shivered and grabbed the robe he kept beside the bed for the cold mornings. The heating in his little townhouse was good, but it didn’t stop the cold from seeping into the floorboards and freezing his feet as they touched it. 

His morning routine had been the same for the past eleven years since he started at Sandover. His alarm went off at seven, and by seven ten, he was in the shower. It usually took him a few minutes to get his suit and coat ready while the water heated up. He hung his robe on the hook on the back of the bathroom door and stepped into the shower, the hot water beating against his back like tiny droplets of hot lava. Castiel took abnormally hot showers, ones that would make most people shriek and run out of the way of the spray. 

Once Castiel was clean, he dried himself off and dressed himself in his everyday attire. He wore a black suit with a blue tie and a tan trench coat to keep warm in the Minneapolis cold. He looked tidy and professional, except for his damn hair. No matter what he did, it stuck up like sex hair and never went down. He tried gelling it down once, but everyone told him that it looked stupid, so he never picked up the hair gel again. 

After his morning shower, he ventured downstairs and found his hairless cat, Loki, sleeping in his cozy bed by the fireplace. There wasn’t a fire going, but the cat slept there out of habit, remembering the warmth. When it got colder in the dead of winter, Castiel crocheted sweaters for Loki. The poor guy couldn’t keep himself warm without any hair. 

Castiel scooped a portion of cat food out of the plastic container and poured it into the bowl. He cracked open a can of wet food and added half the can to the dry food. He rinsed out Loki’s water bowl and gave him fresh water. The cat stood up and stretched, his mouth opening wide to reveal his sharp teeth. He strided over like a lion prowling around his territory. Loki was always a very confident cat. Castiel put a topper on the can of wet food and put it in the fridge to save for Loki’s dinner. 

Castiel set about finding his own breakfast. He opened his fridge and grabbed a greek yogurt and a package of blueberries. He opened the foil lid and tossed it into the trash can before adding the blueberries to his yogurt. He found a spoon in the drawer and stirred up his breakfast, setting it aside. He opened the cabinet and grabbed one of his many coffee mugs, setting it under the Keurig. He scanned his options for coffee and picked vanilla. He stuck the little cup in the top of the coffee maker and turned it on. He leaned against the counter while he waited, breathing in the smell of freshly brewed coffee. 

While he waited for his coffee to brew, he looked out the kitchen window. It was barely October, but it was already cold outside. There hadn’t been any snow yet, but Castiel expected to get some once November rolled around, if not in the next few weeks. The area of his backyard was small. There was a little fenced-in grassy patch and a small garden. There wasn’t much that grew this far north, but Castiel had a green thumb and could make anything grow. 

The coffee finished brewing and Castiel grabbed his mug. He added a small splash of milk and a sprinkle of stevia, stirring it up and blowing on it before taking a sip. Satisfied with his morning beverage, he walked to the living space with his coffee and yogurt. He sat down in his big cozy chair and turned on the TV. He had a habit of watching the news every morning, which never did anything but depress him. Still, it felt like the right thing to do as an adult. 

Castiel had trouble feeling like a proper adult sometimes. He thought he’d have way more figured out by now. He had just turned thirty-five and he still felt like a mess. He functioned normally, for the most part. He went to a nine-to-five job every day and did well. He visited his little brother’s bakery once a week, visited his older brother in Chicago once every once in a while, and kept up with the few friends he had. Despite all of this, Castiel didn’t feel like his life was perfect. He was single and his housemate was his cat, but there was nothing wrong with that. On the outside, he seemed perfectly content, but on the inside, something felt wrong. It hadn’t always been that way, but a switch had gone off sometime recently, and he was no longer the content person he was. 

Castiel finished his breakfast and sipped his coffee as he watched the TV. Loki hopped onto his lap, so he gently petted him while he sat there for a little while longer. 

At eight-thirty, Castiel gently set Loki on the floor and grabbed his briefcase from by the door. He pulled his shoes on and stepped out into the brisk cold to walk to his car in the driveway. He took a quick glance at his neighbors’ houses and saw a few other neighbors leaving for their jobs in the city as well. The townhouses were quaint, with small front yards and driveways just big enough for two cars. Castiel’s mailbox was currently on the ground, since some teenager hit it with their car and drove off while Castiel watched from the window. 

Castiel got into his car and quickly started it up, setting his briefcase in the passenger seat. He turned on his seat warmers and peeled out of his driveway. He drove a 2017 Toyota Camry that worked just fine for his daily twenty-five minute commute and his occasional drive to the airport to go see his older brother, Michael, in Chicago. 

The drive to work was a relatively easy one. It would only take ten minutes if it weren’t for rush-hour traffic. The highways were treacherous as always, but Castiel was used to it. The commute was very short compared to the commutes some of his coworkers had. His friend Charlie from IT drove for nearly an hour to work every day. 

The office building was rather large and sat right at the edge of the downtown Minneapolis area. Castiel drove into the parking deck that sat right behind it and parked in his designated area. That was the perk of his most recent promotion, he got to park closer to the building than others did. 

Castiel carried his briefcase into the building and took the elevator up to his office. As he walked in, he passed other employees. He gave them a small nod of his head in acknowledgement, not close enough with any of them for any other sort of greeting. His office sat close to the top of the building. The little sign on the door read, 

Castiel Novak

Senior Accountant

His office overlooked the city of Minneapolis, which wasn’t too much to look at except a few large buildings and bustling streets full of other nine-to-fivers walking to their designated office buildings. The window wasn’t very large, but it brought a brightness into an otherwise very boring office. 

Castiel wasn’t much for decorating. The office had a large oak desk with a lamp, a desktop, a calculator, and stacks of papers sitting in plastic organizers. There was a bookcase against the wall that was full of the accounting books Castiel had collected over the years. There was a succulent in a tiny clay pot and a picture frame with a photo of Castiel with his brothers. There were two wooden chairs on one side of Castiel’s desk and a leather desk chair on the other side. Castiel had picked the chair out himself when he had to replace the old one, which was broken. 

He sat down at his desk and opened up his briefcase, pulling out the papers he had brought home with him. He turned and opened his blinds to allow the sunlight into the office before beginning his daily work. 

There were a lot of people who would say that Castiel’s job was boring. It was a lot of paperwork and busy work that took hours on end. But, Castiel loved it. Numbers were easy for him. They always worked the same way and never changed. It gave him a sense of control. The job may have seemed boring to other people, but it was perfect for Castiel.

A knock on Castiel’s office door brought his head out of his work. He set down his pen and lifted his body from the hunched position he had been in. 

“Come in.”

The door opened and Zachariah Adler, from upper management, walked in. His bald head always had a sheen of sweat and a smug grin never left his face. Castiel never liked him very much. 

“Good morning, Mr. Novak. I just wanted to let you know that our new VP of accounting is starting tomorrow. I’m sure you’re looking forward to having a new boss.”

All Castiel could think about was how glad he was that Mr. Adler wouldn’t be the one bossing him around anymore. The work that the VP of accounting usually did had been spread out across upper management once the old VP left. It took eight months to hire someone in a position that high up, so Castiel had been under Zachariah’s reign for a considerable amount of time.

“Yes, it will be nice to work under someone new,” Castiel said, sitting back more in his chair. 

Zachariah stood at the door with his hand on the knob. “Everything coming along alright today? You’re on time for this month, aren’t you?”

“Yes, right on time. Everything should be in soon.” Castiel picked up his pen and moved it in between his fingers, eyes averting from Zachariah. He didn’t like being so micro-managed. It made him want to throw his work back in Zachariah’s face. 

“A few of the other accountants are behind, your subordinates. You need to keep up with them and make sure they’re doing their jobs,” Zachariah scolded, his brows knitting together in a displeased face that Castiel so badly wanted to punch. “Subordinates” made Castiel sound like some sort of dictator pushing around his pawns. 

“I’ll check on them.” Castiel met Zachariah’s eyes again, keeping his professional face on. 

“Good. I’ll leave you to it then.” Zachariah grinned at Castiel before leaving the room, closing the door behind himself. 

Castiel sighed with relief once he was alone. He set his pen down and stared at his computer for half a minute. Having a new boss was going to be strange, especially after everything that had happened with his old one. He closed his eyes and forced himself to stop thinking about his old boss before he went down that rabbit hole. 

The hours ticked by as Castiel worked alone. He sent out a dozen emails and answered a dozen more. The sun sat high in the sky, but it was mostly blocked by the sea of clouds. Castiel wished the sun would come out for his little succulent. He got up and pulled a little light out of his desk. It was a specialized grow light for plants that didn’t get enough sun. He clipped the light to his bookcase and turned it on. His gaze stopped on the picture frame briefly before he returned to his desk. 

At noon, he realized that he had forgotten to bring lunch with him. He groaned at the idea of leaving the building for his lunch break, but decided on it anyway. There was no way he could go until five thirty without eating lunch. 

Alas, he had a savior. A message popped up on his computer that made him smile. 

**Charlie Bradbury**

_ Wanna go across the street for a sandwich? _

Castiel quickly wrote back an affirmation and got up to grab his coat off the rack. He slid the tan trench coat over his arms and back, patted his pocket to make sure he had his wallet, then left his office. He took the elevator down to the first floor and spotted his red-headed friend standing by the door. 

Charlie was a manager in the IT department. She had started at Sandover on the same day as Castiel. Both of them had started as entry-level positions and had been promoted to management around the same time as well. They met at the sandwich shop across the street when both of them had forgotten to bring lunch on their second day. Charlie had recognized Castiel from seeing him walk into the building and asked if he worked at Sandover. Their friendship had blossomed from there. 

“Heya! How’s your day going?” Charlie asked, walking up to meet Castiel in the lobby.

Castiel smiled as he walked up to her. “It’s going. You made the right decision for today. I forgot my lunch,” Castiel said, beginning to lead the way out of the building. 

Charlie laughed softly and pulled her soft grey jacket a little tighter over her body as she stepped out into the chilly air. “I wanted a sandwich today. My lack of lunch was on purpose.” She pushed the button for the crosswalk and waited for the light to turn.

The entire scene outside looked like it was in greyscale. The cars were all gloomy colors, the sidewalks were grey, and the buildings were all shades of grey. It made for a dull view that Castiel barely took more than a second glance at. 

“Maybe this was a blessing in disguise. I am hungry for a sandwich now,” Castiel said, shoving his cold hands into his pockets. He always had cold hands, even in his warm house. No matter what he did, his hands stayed ice cold and always made people jump when he touched them, not that he touched anyone very often. 

“Well, here’s your chance.” Charlie opened the door to the sandwich shop and held it open for Castiel, who quickly walked in and thanked her. The door closed and the little bell jingled. The inside of the shop was cozy and warm. The walls were a warm brown and decorated with colorful landscape paintings. This shop also sold coffee, which Castiel almost always ordered when he came in. 

The pair stepped up to the counter and ordered their usuals. Castiel got a turkey sandwich with all of the vegetables and a large coffee with one cream and two sugars. Charlie got a turkey panini with tomatoes and mozzarella and a soda. Charlie filled up her soda cup and took a seat at one of the tables. 

“How’s it going up in accounting?” She asked, taking a sip of her drink. 

“Slow. Everything is set to be in on time, but it’s still slow. Zachariah is riding my ass over all of it. This new guy better be good.” Castiel sat down with his coffee, blowing on it before taking a sip. “How about you? What’s going on in IT?”

“You know that new guy I was talking about? Kevin? He’s actually really good. He was stumbling around like a baby deer on ice at first, but he’s getting into the swing of things. He’s wicked smart, so he’s probably going to climb the chain quickly.” Charlie hummed, fidgeting with the straw sticking out of her cup.

Castiel nodded, looking up at the painting of a bright green countryside above them. “I’m glad he’s found his stride. I know that was stressing you out for a while there.” Castiel heard his name being called, so he got up and picked up his sub sandwich from the counter. He walked back to the table and sat down, his stomach growling to be fed. 

The conversation continued as each of them ate. They mostly talked about work, then Charlie went off on a tangent about her girlfriend, Glinda. Castiel loved listening to her talk, she was extremely entertaining. Castiel talked about how Loki had taken to trying to run outside when he came back in the evenings. Fortunately the cat was smart enough to realize that it was scary outside and he wanted back into the house immediately. 

Once they finished their meals, it was about time for their lunch breaks to end, so they ventured back across the street to the building. It was just starting to rain, and neither of them had an umbrella, so they ran across the street and hurried under the cover of the building. 

Castiel returned to his office to finish out his day of work. Zachariah stopped by his office again later in the afternoon, much to Castiel’s dismay. He didn’t say much, but it was enough to put Castiel in a sour mood. Castiel received more emails than usual that day, which made him fall behind slightly on his numbers for the day. He had meetings through the late afternoon, and the last one ran thirty minutes past five, Castiel’s usual quitting time. 

When the meeting finally ended, Castiel returned to his office to pack up. He took down the grow light and placed it back in his desk drawer, packed his briefcase with work he needed to do that night, and left the office. He eagerly walked to his car and drove out onto the busy streets to get home. Traffic was worse in the evenings, so it took him thirty-five minutes to get back to his townhouse. 

Castiel walked up to his front door and turned the key in the lock. As soon as he opened the door, Loki darted around the door and took three bounds out onto the sidewalk. As soon as the cat felt the cold air, he turned around and ran straight back into the house. Castiel smiled softly at him and closed the door, turning the lock behind himself. Loki rubbed up against his legs before trotting over to his food bowl and meowing. 

“I know, I’m late. Sorry, Loki.” Castiel set his briefcase down and immediately fed his cat, adding a scoop of dry food and the remainder of the wet food from that morning. He refilled the water dish and replaced it on the mat. 

Once the cat was fed, Castiel set about feeding himself. He looked in his fridge and decided that he didn’t have the energy to cook. He grabbed a microwave meal out of his fridge and stuck it in the microwave to heat up. He leaned against the counter and pulled out his phone, poking at it in search of some kind of entertainment. He didn’t use any form of social media, so there wasn’t much to look at. The microwave beeped and Castiel pulled his meal out. He frowned at it, wishing it were something better. 

He set his meal aside and opened the wine cooler he had by the fridge, looking through his selections. He decided on his usual Cabernet Sauvignon and poured himself a hefty glass. He set the bottle beside his chair in preparation for wanting another glass after the one he had. Once everything was set up, he sat down in his chair and took a long sip from his glass. He turned on the TV for some background noise while he ate and simultaneously worked. He never liked working late into the night, so he’d always work as he ate his dinner, and he was typically done in about an hour. 

Castiel mostly ignored the TV as he worked and ate. His wine was gone before his food and he poured himself another glass. The food was finished shortly after, and the work followed as he finished his second glass. 

He finally turned his attention to the TV and cleared his lap so that Loki could jump up and curl up there. He turned on his guilty pleasure show, Catfish, and started to relax. Time passed quickly while he sat there, decompressing from his day. 

Disappointment followed when Castiel picked up an empty wine bottle. In fairness, about two glasses worth was missing from it when he started. He gently set Loki on the floor and walked to his kitchen to find something else. He decided to go for the gin that night, a choice he made when a day was either particularly stressful or if the wine didn’t do it for him. 

Castiel wasn’t always a drinker. He didn’t drink at all through college and half of his twenties. Something had kept him away from it. When he had his first drink at twenty-five, he didn’t think it was something that he’d have often. It was a treat for the end of the week with a job well done. Something had changed in the past year or so. Castiel no longer enjoyed a simple glass of wine with dinner. That glass turned into three, maybe four. The hard liquor was busted out frequently nowadays. There was something Castiel was drowning out that he was refusing to think about. 

Castiel laid on the couch with his gin, the world feeling fuzzier and blurrier than it did a few hours ago. He knew he’d be passed out in bed soon, and it wasn’t even that late, about nine pm. The glass was suddenly empty, and Castiel knew he was done. After all, he had to be up at seven the next morning for work. At this point, he knew he could get up. That night was just like almost every other night, and he knew how to nurse a hangover through work. 

Castiel finished an episode of Catfish before rising from the couch. He rubbed his eyes and walked slowly towards the stairs. He wobbled slightly, but held himself steady on the handrail. He stepped into his bedroom and started stripping out of his clothing. He brushed his teeth, staring at his reflection in the mirror. As drunk as he was, he knew he looked bad. His gaze was heavy and he looked devoid of all joy. It was a depressing sight. 

He tossed his clothes into the hamper and got into bed in only his boxers. He pulled the blankets over his body and closed his eyes, willing his body into semi-consciousness. The day felt too long, and all he wanted was to make it to the next. 

Castiel’s eyes opened to the sound of his alarm. He reached over and turned it off, blinking as the headache set in. He sat up and slowly pushed the blankets off of his body. He saw Loki sleeping at the foot of the bed and gave him a gentle pet. Instead of immediately going for the shower, he opened the medicine cabinet and took a handful of ibuprofen with cupped hands full of water. He looked at himself in the mirror and surveyed his mussed up hair and the bags under his eyes. He splashed cold water on his face and sighed, readying himself for the day. 

After his morning shower, he fed the cat, ate another greek yogurt for breakfast, and left for work. It was raining, so he left a few minutes early to account for the extra traffic it would cause. He pulled his trenchcoat together as he walked into the building, eyes downcast. Just another day at the job. 

Castiel set himself up to start working in his office, rubbing his face as he sat down in his chair. He left the blinds closed and set up the grow light on his succulent. That day’s hangover wasn’t quite as bad as some he had before, but it still drained him. He brought a water bottle with him today to stay hydrated, which helped to alleviate some of the symptoms. 

Just as Castiel got settled, he heard a knock on his office door. He sighed, expecting Zachariah with more micro-managing. 

“Come in.”

The door opened and a curious head poked around the corner. His face was easily recognizable, though it had aged through the years since Castiel last saw it. 

“Dean?” 

The man nodded and stepped into Castiel’s office. “I saw the name on the door and I freaked out for a second there. It’s really you?” Dean asked. 

Castiel nodded and stood up from his desk. “What are you doing here? Did you start working here?” Castiel inquired with a tilt of his head. 

“Uh, yeah. I’m the VP of accounting,” Dean said, slipping his hands into his pockets nervously. 

Castiel’s eyes widened. “You’re my new boss?”

“I guess so. Kinda weird, huh?” Dean chuckled, a half-hearted grin on his face. 

Castiel’s face hardened a little. “Very weird, but fine.” 

Dean frowned. “You’re still mad?” He asked, his grin disappearing. 

“Of course I’m not still mad. It’s been years. I don’t hold grudges,” Castiel said, keeping a professional face. He took a step closer to Dean and held a hand out for him to shake. “Welcome to Sandover.” He watched as Dean stared at his hand for a second before reaching out to shake it. 

He smiled a bit once their hands touched. “Your hands are still ice cold.”

“Very professional of you,” Castiel remarked. 

Dean swallowed and shook Castiel’s hand once before letting go. “I should get going. I just had to see if it was really you. There’s a meeting to introduce me at eleven. I think the memo went out just a minute ago. See you there.” Dean walked back to the door and opened it. 

Castiel started returning to his desk. “See you then,” Castiel said, sitting in his chair. Dean nodded and left the room, closing the door behind himself. Castiel put his face in his hands. He wasn’t sure if having Dean as his boss was worse than Zachariah, but it was damn sure close. He couldn’t believe that they ended up in the same city again after all these years. The one thing he knew for sure was that he was going to maintain his professional nature. Despite their past, Dean was his boss now and he had to accept it. It would only be a matter of time before he was used to it.


	2. Another Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean begins his new job at Sandover and runs into a familiar face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try to get these up at either 12am EST on Mondays, but if I fall asleep before then, they'll be up by the end of the day Monday.

Dean had an important day ahead of him. It was his first day at his new job in a new city. He moved into his apartment a week ago, a high-rise in downtown Minneapolis. It was a pretty big move. He had been living in Austin, Texas and working for another company as upper management in the accounting department. The new job was going to be very similar to his old one, but it was definitely a promotion. The hiring process took forever, but Dean was hoping that it would be worth it. 

Dean stood in his kitchen, looking out the window at the city below him. The clouds hung heavy in the sky, pouring rain down onto the cold city occupants below. He took a sip from his mug of coffee and leaned against the counter. He still wasn’t sure if he was going to be glad he was out of the heat or regret leaving its safety from the cold and the rain. 

Dean’s apartment still wasn’t fully unpacked. He had two boxes in the kitchen, three in the living room, and another two in his bedroom. The apartment itself was very nice. It was intended to be decorated with very minimalist and pure white designs, but Dean had turned it into a homey space with quilts, a plush brown rug, and little rustic knick-knacks. It was very…Dean. 

Dean finished his cereal and put the box away. He grabbed his suit coat and put it on over his shirt, buttoning it up. The suit was the worst part about his job. He could manage the late nights, stressed out days, and piles of paperwork. Wearing a suit five days a week was the worst part. Dean liked to kick back in lots of layers. A t-shirt, flannel, and jacket was his go-to. He liked worn-in jeans and heavy work boots, not these leather shoes that took two weeks to break in enough to stop giving him blisters. 

The hardest part about living in the city to Dean was how little he got to drive Baby. He still had her after all these years and fixed her up when she needed it. On the weekends, he took her on long drives just for fun. It would be harder here, but he’d get far enough away to some backroads to just drive and look at the world. He missed the days where he’d drive all day, blasting music and feeling the wind in his face with the windows rolled down. 

His apartment was only three blocks away from Sandover’s building, so it was walkable. Dean dreaded walking in the rain a little, but with an umbrella it would be fine. He grabbed a long grey coat from his closet and pulled it on over his suit. He dug through one of the boxes in the living room until he found his little black umbrella. With his keys in his pocket, he left the apartment and took the elevator down to the first floor. 

When he stepped out into the outside world, he took a deep breath of the chilly air. It wasn’t that cold, but the rain made it worse. Dean opened his little umbrella and held it over his head as he walked towards the building. It was a straight shot out of the apartment and to the building, so he didn’t even need to check his GPS. He had been there a couple times, once to be interviewed about three months ago, and once to receive a tour two weeks ago, a couple weeks after he was hired. He liked the building and the location, so he was eager to start his new job. 

The inside of the lobby was rather plain. The floors were a rough, short, tan carpet. The receptionist’s desk was large and wrapped around most of the back wall. Several staff members sat behind the desk, answering phones and greeting those who came in. Dean gave a small wave to the receptionists before continuing to the elevators. He pressed the button and stepped inside, anxiously awaiting the first look at his office. He knew where it was from the tour he received, but it still felt new and exciting. 

Dean exited the elevator and walked to the accounting department. He looked at the cubicles in the center of the room and the offices on the side. There were several empty rooms, and then a door to a larger office. Dean walked by it and suddenly did a double take. He stared at the name on the door plaque. 

Castiel Novak

Senior Accountant

Dean stared at it for a few seconds, his stomach turning into knots. His heart picked up its pace and his jaw slacked. He then realized how weird he must look. He quickly darted to the back of the room, where the biggest office sat. He opened the door and walked inside, flicking on the light. He took his coat off and hung it on the rack, his mind racing. When he sat down in his chair, all he could think about was that name on the door. 

It had been seventeen years since Dean saw that name. He was eighteen years old the last time he saw Castiel Novak. He could still remember that messy dark brown hair and those shockingly blue eyes. He remembered that deep voice and throaty laugh that made him smile from ear to ear. 

There was no way that the Castiel Novak Dean knew was here at Sandover. Accounting seemed like the right job for him, but they grew up in Lawrence, Kansas. What were the chances that Castiel also moved up to Minneapolis? It seemed impossible, but Dean had to know if he was about to work with the same Castiel he knew in high school. 

After getting set up in his new office and sending out the memo for a meeting to introduce himself, Dean couldn’t take it anymore. He had to go see if it was really Castiel. He pushed himself out of his desk chair and left his office. When he arrived in front of Castiel’s door, he found himself incredibly nervous. Castiel was probably going to be angry, if it was him. They didn’t exactly end things on a good note. 

With a deep breath, Dean knocked on the door. He heard a rumble of “come in” and his heart jumped into his throat. The deep voice, it had to be him. Dean opened the door and poked his head around it. In front of him, he saw the man he hoped he would see. He didn’t look the same. The Castiel he knew had a rounder face, longer hair, and a skinny, lithe body. This Castiel had a more angular face with small smile lines and a crease between his brows. Even sitting in the chair, he looked bigger. His arms were large and taught with muscle. He looked fantastic. 

When Dean spoke to him, he could barely think straight. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He tried to be professional, but he did the exact opposite. Castiel wasn’t nearly as friendly with him as he was, but he wasn’t angry. He didn’t yell at Dean for the things he had done or even comment on him. He seemed older that way, more mature. Dean felt like that was a good look for him. 

He informed Castiel about the meeting and escaped his office before he could do anything stupid. Dean walked back to his office and leaned against the door for a moment, trying to get his thoughts straight again (ha). He couldn’t believe how attracted he was to Castiel. The guy looked so good that Dean knew his imagination would run wild. He looked amazing in a suit. Dean had only ever seen him in a suit at junior prom. He gelled his hair down that night and it looked stupid, as Dean told him when he first saw it.   
Castiel was someone that Dean never thought he’d see again. He didn’t deserve to see him again after everything that had happened. Castiel deserved to be able to move on and never think about Dean again. Now, Dean was Castiel’s boss. Things were going to be incredibly weird, but Dean had to work through it. He really wanted this job, so he had to hunker down and rein in his emotions. 

With a sigh, he sat back down at his desk, collecting his thoughts and going back into his professional mode. He had a lot of work for his first day, so it was time to get started on it. He had nearly fifty emails that he had to sort through and respond to. 

Email, the devil of corporate America. It was an older form of communication, but still one of the most reliable. Everyone who used it had a love-hate relationship with it. They dreaded receiving an email, but loved being able to send one in lieu of a face-to-face meeting.

The hours passed quickly, and soon it was time for the meeting. Dean walked down the hallway to the meeting room at the end of it. No one was there yet, since it was ten minutes before the meeting would start. The room was large and had floor-to-ceiling windows at the back. The table could seat twenty-two people, ten on each side and one on each end. Dean had a brief powerpoint that he opened up on the computer that sat on the podium. He set up the screen and stood behind the podium, waiting for his team to arrive. 

The door opened and about seven men and women walked in. Some of them were personal accountants for higher-ups at Sandover, others worked accounting for the different departments. They took their seats at the table, quietly waiting for the meeting to start. More people came in and took their seats, and slowly the table was filled. Dean watched as Castiel entered the room and sat at the seat on the end of the table. With his position, he managed almost everyone in the room except for Dean, who was the one in charge of them all. 

Dean checked the time and saw that it was eleven now. He took a deep breath and started his introduction. It was pretty simple, and he felt good about what he had to say. The only problem was, it was incredibly hard to focus with Castiel’s gaze on him. He looked professional, but those eyes could cut through steel. Dean tried not to look at him for the duration of his presentation. 

Once he was finished, he dismissed everyone and walked to the podium to shut down the computer. He glanced up, hoping Castiel was still there, and saw him talking to one of the other accountants. They were the only two left. Dean chewed his lip, then did something stupid. 

“Cas?”

Castiel paused his conversation and looked at Dean with scrunched brows and his lips slightly agape. He looked shocked that he was being addressed. Dean swallowed and stared back at him. 

Castiel sighed. “I’ll send you an email. Excuse me.” The other accountant left the room, leaving Dean and Castiel alone together. Castiel crossed his arms over his chest and stared at Dean with a gaze so piercing that Dean thought he would melt. 

“Sorry, I just wanted to ask-”

“You called me by my childhood nickname in front of my coworker. If this question doesn’t have anything to do with work, I’m leaving.” Castiel uncrossed his arms, but he still looked annoyed. 

Dean realized that he really had no idea what he was going to ask Castiel. He just wanted to talk to him. Maybe he could ask to. “Would I be able to ask you over dinner?” Dean asked. God, he sounded exactly like he did in high school, a nervous teenager. 

Castiel’s face scrunched up again. “Mr. Winchester,” the name sounded ice cold on Castiel’s tongue, cutting through Dean like a knife, “I have no interest in anything more than the relationship between two coworkers with you. We are not friends. You don’t call me by an old nickname, you don’t stare at me, and you most certainly don’t ask me out to dinner. Treat me like you would any other coworker and we’ll be on good terms,” Castiel finished. 

Dean bit the inside of his cheek and nodded. He should have expected this. “Alright, coworkers it is. I’ll see you around, Mr. Novak.” Dean hated the sound of that name. It sounded way too formal for the way he knew Castiel, or used to know. 

“See you around.” Castiel turned and left the room to return to his office. 

Dean sighed and dragged his hands over his face. This was going to be so much harder than he thought. 

The rest of Dean’s day was hard. He had truckloads of work that he had to go through. Dean knew that the company had gone without a VP of accounting for some time, but he didn’t realize how backed up it was until then. It was a nightmare. At six, he decided to go home and work from there. He needed a change of scenery.

Before he went home, he wanted to check something out. When he told a friend he was moving to Minneapolis, the friend told him to check out a bakery downtown. It supposedly had the best cupcakes in the state. Dean knew it was just one block down from his apartment, so he wanted to go there. He felt like he deserved a treat after his first day. 

The bakery looked quaint from the outside. It was a smaller building that seemed to have an apartment over it. The owner must have lived there. Dean walked inside and heard the chime of a little bell over the door. He looked around and saw patrons sitting at tables and on couches. It felt very cozy and warm. Dean saw the display case and his mouth watered. Every possible goodie he could think of was in that case. He walked up to the counter to order, and he was definitely getting a slice of cherry pie. He was so distracted by the display case that he didn’t see who was behind the counter.

“Dean? Is that you?” Behind the case stood a shorter man with golden-brown hair. Dean recognized him immediately. 

“Gabriel? What are you doing here?” Dean asked. 

Gabriel chuckled a bit. “This is my bakery. I think I should be asking what you’re doing here. When did you move out of Kansas?”

“Oh, a long time ago, right after high school. I moved to Texas, then I moved here a week ago. New job,” Dean explained. Now that the initial shock was gone, Gabriel’s face was hardening. 

“I see. Where are you working?” Gabriel asked, his gaze moving to check for any customers coming in. There was no one else coming in, so they were free to keep talking. 

“Sandover. It’s kinda funny, I’m Cas’s boss.” 

Gabriel’s eyes widened.“Oh boy, he’s probably pretty mad about that.” He shook his head. “You better not bother him at all.”

“He’s already lectured me, it’s fine.” Dean sighed.

“Look here, you know how protective I am over my big brother. You’ve hurt him once before, so you better not do it again or you’ll hear from Michael and me. Understood?” Gabriel looked mighty when he was angry. Dean had seen the wrath of that guy, so he knew to stay out of his way. 

He swallowed and nodded. “Understood.” 

With that, Gabriel’s gaze softened. “Good. So what can I get you?” He leaned against the counter, a friendly customer service grin on his face. Dean had almost forgotten about his pie. 

“Uh, just a slice of cherry pie. To-go.”

“I should have known that you’d pick the pie,” Gabriel chuckled. He took the slice off the tray and placed it in a paper takeout box. He took Dean’s payment and handed him the box. “Enjoy.”

“Thanks.” Dean took the pie and walked out of the bakery, feeling mildly embarrassed. He really hadn’t expected to see Gabriel of all people. Seeing him made Dean wonder where the other Novak children were. If Gabriel and Castiel were in Minneapolis, maybe Michael and Jimmy were too. All of it made Dean think more and more about his days in high school. 

~~~

####  **August 12th, 1999**

Dean walked up to the front doors of his new high school. He was an incoming freshman, and he hoped that this would be his first school year where he didn’t have to move multiple times. His dad had promised that they were staying put this time, back in their hometown of Lawrence, Kansas. 

Dean sat down in his first period class and tapped his fingers against the desk nervously. He hated starting at new schools. It was simultaneously a chance to start fresh, and also a reminder that he didn’t change at all since he moved. As he sat there, he avoided looking at his classmates. He stared at his desk and hoped that no one would address him. He just wanted to be left alone this time. 

As he sat there, he heard a thud. He looked up and saw another kid laying on the ground in front of a guy’s outstretched leg. Dean frowned and got up, offering a hand to the guy on the ground. 

“You okay?” Dean asked. The guy looked up at him and Dean’s breath got caught in his throat. He stared back at the brightest blue eyes he had ever seen. 

“Yes, thank you.” He took Dean’s hand and stood up. He quickly ducked away and sat in a seat at the very back of the classroom. Dean watched him go before sitting back down in his own seat. 

It was no secret to Dean that he wasn’t straight. He didn’t know for sure where he fell on the spectrum of sexuality, but it definitely wasn’t all the way on the side of heterosexuality. He still felt too young to know for sure. Either way, his heart had stopped when he saw that other boy’s face. He had to at least know his name. Maybe they could be friends. 

After the class ended, Dean stood right outside the classroom door and waited. He perked up when he saw the boy that had been tripped and walked up beside him. 

“Hey,” Dean said, a smile spreading across his face. His heart was doing somersaults. 

The boy looked up at Dean with a puzzled expression. “Um, hello? Can I help you?” 

“I’m Dean. What’s your name?” Dean followed the boy, ignoring the fact that his next class was in the other direction. He could be a few minutes late. 

“Castiel.” 

“Nice to meet you, Castiel. What lunch period do you have?”

“First.” Castiel seemed nervous, unsure of Dean’s intentions. 

“Awesome, me too. See you then?” Dean asked. Castiel looked startled, but he nodded. 

“Sure,” Castiel said. 

Dean grinned. “Alright. See ya, Castiel!” He quickly turned around and started walking quickly back in the direction of his next class. He had a feeling that this guy could be the friend he needed.

~~~

Dean arrived at his apartment and locked the door behind himself. He took off his slightly damp coat and hung it in his closet. He set his pie down while he took off his suit, changing into a t-shirt, his most comfortable flannel, and sweatpants. He sighed with relief once he was changed. This was always his first step in relaxation after work. His eyes turned to the pie sitting on his coffee table and his stomach growled. As much as he wanted to devour that pie right then, he had to eat actual dinner first. 

He walked to the kitchen and opened his fridge, eyeing the leftover chicken from a restaurant he had tried the night before. He knew that it wouldn’t stay good for much longer, so that became his dinner. He heated it up and plated it, his stomach protesting how long it was taking him to get food. He sat down on the couch and turned the TV on while he ate his chicken. 

The chicken was gone in about ten minutes, and Dean turned his attention to the pie. He opened the little takeout box and licked his lips. The pie had a beautiful lattice crust that looked oh-so-flaky and wonderful. The cherries were a bright red contrast to the tan of the crust. Dean stuck his fork into the slice and shoveled the bite into his mouth. It was better than he could have imagined. He started to wonder if this pie topped the shop he frequented in Austin. If the pie was better in Minneapolis, the move was worth it. 

Dean tried to eat slowly in order to savor the pie, but he couldn’t help himself. It was gone too fast, and Dean wished he bought an entire pie. He threw away the paper box and washed his dishes in the sink. As much as he wanted to keep watching TV, he had to work. He grabbed his laptop out of his bedroom and set himself up on the couch, his work spread out on the coffee table. There was an extra bedroom in his apartment that he was going to set up as an office, but the desk he bought wasn’t in yet. 

He stayed seated at the couch for the next two and a half hours. The work was never-ending and finishing everything that night was impossible. He gave up at ten o’clock and decided to get ready for bed. He put away his work and migrated to his bedroom. Just as he was starting to head towards his bed, his phone started ringing. He looked at the caller ID and smiled a bit. He answered the phone as he sat down on the edge of his bed.   
“Hey, Sammy.”

“Hey. How was it? Does the job suck?” Sam had promised to call today. It had been a while since they talked. Dean had been busy with moving in. 

“Well, no. It’s similar to my old job, which I liked. It’s a heavier workload, but a massive pay increase. The coworkers are...good?”

“You said that last part weirdly. What’s wrong with the coworkers?”

“You’re never going to believe this. Guess who’s working here?”

“Who?” Sam asked, his voice skeptical.

“It’s Cas.”

“Holy shit. The Cas from high school?”

“What other Cas is there? Yeah, it’s him. He’s not very happy that I’m his boss now. He got pissy when I tried to talk to him.”

“Can you blame him? How long has it been?”

“Seventeen years,” Dean sighed. “I think we’ll get used to it. It’s awkward right now, but I think I’ll figure out how to act around him and it’ll be fine.”

“Just treat him like you would if you didn’t have any history. He probably doesn’t want you to bring it up at all, so don’t. Just be normal.” Despite being younger, Sam sometimes sounded wiser than Dean. He was very reasonable and logical. 

“Yeah, that’s the plan,” Dean said, running a hand through his own hair. “How are you? How’s work?” Sam worked at a law firm that specialized in abuse cases. It was a subject that was heavy, but Sam was passionate about it and he worked extremely hard to get to where he was. 

“It’s good. I have another court date tomorrow and a mountain of paperwork to do. I’ve been a hermit for the past two weeks, working on this case.”

“Don’t become a spinster, Sammy. Go see your friends.”

“That’s funny coming from Mr. I-ignore-all-of-my-friends. You better make new friends in Minneapolis. I can’t be all that you’ve got all the way in California.” Dean knew from the way Sam was talking that he had a major bitch-face on. 

“Fine, fine. Only if you agree to talk to your friends more often.”

“Deal,” Sam sighed. “Sorry I called so late. I’ve been swamped.”

“It’s fine, you caught me right as I finished working for the night. I am just about to get in bed, so I’m gonna let you go.”

“Alright. Well, good luck at the new job. At least your first week is short since you started on a Thursday.”

“Right. Thanks. Talk to you later.”

“Bye, Dean.”

“Bye, Sammy.” Dean hung up the phone and plugged it into its charger by his bed. He yawned and rubbed his eyes. He double-checked that his alarm was set before finally laying his head down to sleep. He pulled his blankets over his body and felt himself sinking into the memory foam topper he had on his mattress. It had been a good first day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to my ramblings on [tumblr](https://deanieweaniewrites.tumblr.com/)


	3. Denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter 3! I hope you enjoy it! The angst is really kicking in now!

Castiel felt warm arms around his body. He couldn’t see, but the feeling was there. Soft lips pressed against his neck and he leaned into the touch. The world around him was gone and all he felt was another body against his own. He turned to see the person behind him and found forest green eyes and a chiseled face with a five o’clock shadow. He leaned in and kissed those plush lips, his eyes slipping closed. In the background, he heard a loud beep. 

Castiel’s eyes opened and he was in his own bedroom, alone. His alarm was going off. He turned it off and sat up, rubbing his face. It took him a moment to realize who he had been dreaming about. As soon as it hit him, he gasped and covered his mouth. There was no way he just had a dream like that about his new boss. He shook his head and stared at Loki, who was curled up at his feet. 

“What the hell is wrong with me?” Castiel asked his cat, as if he could answer. He watched as the cat stood up, stretched with a yawn, and hopped off the bed, meowing to signal to his owner that he wanted breakfast soon. 

Castiel got out of bed and grabbed a suit out of his closet on his way to the bathroom. He stared at his reflection in the mirror, unsure if he was angry or disappointed in himself. Maybe both. Either way, there was no way in hell he was going to develop feelings for Dean Winchester. It was ludicrous to even think about. He knew exactly where feelings would end up, and it wasn’t good. Castiel had his heart broken by people before, and Dean was a prime example of someone who would break his heart in the worst way possible. Castiel decided that he would refuse to feel anything towards him. He could just go numb and hide from the feelings before they developed. 

His reflection was depressing to look at. He was losing weight, for some reason. He used to work out three times a week, but he canceled his gym membership months ago. His face was starting to look older than he was. He was barely thirty-five, but his face looked older. Maybe it was from how tired he was. Castiel rubbed his eyes and sighed, looking away from the mirror to start the shower. He popped some ibuprofen for his hangover headache and stepped into the spray. 

His shower was slow that morning. He felt more tired than usual. It had become a pattern over the last few months. He’d get progressively more tired throughout the week and then sleep through the weekend. He rarely did anything on the weekends, which he found rewarding. It was nice to have nothing to do. He did have to go grocery shopping on Sundays, but that wasn’t too horrible of an activity. 

After his shower, he got dressed and brushed his teeth. He ignored his reflection and continued downstairs. Loki was meowing by his food bowl, annoyed that it had taken Castiel ten minutes longer than usual to feed him. Castiel whispered an apology as he prepared Loki’s food and refilled his water dish. He reminded himself to order that fountain for cats to drink out of. He read somewhere that cats preferred running water and in wanting the best for his little buddy, Castiel wanted to buy a fountain for him. 

Breakfast was different than usual. Castiel ate a granola bar and a few strawberries instead of his usual greek yogurt. He leaned against the counter as he ate and glanced outside. It was a clear day, which Castiel was pleased about. It was rainy in the fall, so any day when the sun was out felt like a blessing. Birds chirped in Castiel’s backyard. He was thinking about putting bird feeders out there. 

Castiel avoided the news that morning. He just didn’t feel like watching it. Instead, he played another stupid app on his phone. He had a habit of buying silly little games and playing them until he beat every level. He bought crossword apps sometimes too. Those were most likely his favorite. He played those until every available crossword was finished. 

He left for work and felt a pit in his stomach. After his dream, he was dreading seeing Dean again. He swallowed his fear and reminded himself that he wasn’t going to develop any sort of feelings towards Dean. Dean was just another face in the office, one that Castiel would get used to and learn to ignore. His dream meant nothing. It was only a dream with no weight behind it. 

The office felt colder than usual, and Castiel blamed the shitty heating system. Despite the clear day, the temperature had dropped. It was colder than usual for this time of year, much to everyone’s dismay. It meant this winter would be harsh. Castiel closed the door to his office and opened the blinds, making sure the sun reached his little succulent. He was considering adding another plant to his office. He could put a small one on his desk. Something different to look at would be nice. 

It was a Friday, which meant no meetings and a truckload of emails. They tended to build up over the week faster than Castiel could handle them, so on Fridays, he spent most of the day reading and responding to emails. Being in a management position meant constant emails from his employees, clients, and coworkers. On Fridays, he had over one hundred important emails to get through. 

At noon, his stomach started to growl. He paused what he was doing and took his lunch out of the bag he brought. It was just a sandwich and a bag of chips, his usual packed lunch. He never brought anything that required the fridge because he hated the break room. His old boss used to corner him there and grill him about everything he needed to get done. Despite that man being gone, Castiel still ate lunch in his office out of habit and avoided the break room. 

Castiel’s phone buzzed while he was eating. He saw a phone call coming in and answered without looking at who it was, too distracted by his own thoughts.

“Hello?”

“Heya, Clarence. I’m coming by your place tonight. What do you wanna eat?” Meg purred, her silky voice coming through the phone line. She never asked to come over. She usually just announced it. 

“You’re bringing food again? You don’t have to do that.”

“Of course I have to. You feed yourself like a college student. If you don’t pick I'm bringing sushi,” Meg said. 

Castiel made a face, he hated sushi. “What about tacos from that place on third street?”

“Atta boy. You want the shrimp tacos?” Castiel could hear the grin in her voice. 

“Yes, please.”

“See you at six.” She hung up. Castiel smiled a little to himself. Meg was one of his best friends, and she always cheered him up when he needed it. She usually came over sometime at the end of the week, on a Thursday or a Friday. 

Castiel finished his lunch and returned to his work. He heard a little ding from the messenger app on his computer. The messenger was good for sending memos that needed to be seen immediately. They didn’t get lost in the pile like emails sometimes did. Castiel looked at the message and groaned. 

**Dean Winchester**

_ Could I see you in my office in thirty? _

Castiel prayed to whatever god there may be that Dean actually wanted something to do with work. Knowing Dean, it was a fifty-fifty shot. Castiel sent back a quick affirmation that he would be there and returned to his work. 

Thirty minutes later, Castiel stood up from his chair and left his office. He felt a little fear get trapped in his throat as he approached Dean’s office. He pushed away the feelings he had about that office and knocked on the door. 

“Come in.”

Castiel opened the door and walked inside. He steeled his expression, forcing away the memory of his dream from last night. 

“You wanted to see me?” Castiel asked. 

Dean nodded and gestured to the chair in front of the desk. “Yeah, you can sit.” He seemed incredibly focused on his desktop for a few more seconds before finally turning to Castiel as he sat down. “I was wondering if you could help me with the rundown of how everything works here. With our positions, we work as a team to get everything done,” Dean said. He actually looked incredibly professional with the way he was speaking. For some reason, it made Castiel’s cheeks heat up. 

“Of course. What do you want to know?” Castiel asked. With that, they went into a back and forth about the schedules, the employees, and the entire set up of the accounting department. The conversation went over smoothly with no awkward moments. They were just like two professional coworkers. It gave Castiel hope that their relationship would remain this way. He could keep his distance and nothing would develop between them. After about twenty minutes of discussion, Dean nodded and smiled. 

“I think that just about covers it. Thanks for your help.” 

Castiel nodded and offered a small smile back. “You’re welcome. If there’s anything else you’re confused about when it comes to the department, feel free to ask. I’ve been here a while.”

“Will do.” Dean held his hand out for Castiel to shake. 

Castiel shook Dean’s hand and their eyes made contact. Castiel stared, the memories of his dream flooding back. All he could picture was his lips against Dean’s. He wondered how the stubble would feel against his cheeks. Suddenly, he realized that their handshake had been going on for about ten seconds too long. He broke the eye contact and let go of Dean’s hand. He stood up quickly. Dean seemed to be collecting himself, then he sighed. Castiel left the office quickly, escaping to the safe haven of his own office. 

Castiel sighed once he was back at his own desk. He wanted to hit himself in the head from how embarrassed he was. How did he let that handshake go on for so long? They were just staring at each other like two buffoons. Castiel couldn’t even remember who was making that happen. Was it Dean? Was it Castiel? Maybe it was both of them. Either way, Castiel wanted to ensure that nothing like that ever happened again. 

For the rest of the day, Castiel felt like his cheeks were on fire. He submitted everything that was due and answered every pertinent email. Overall, it was a very successful day, but Castiel still couldn’t shake what had happened in Dean’s office. As he packed up for the day, he tried to think about how he was looking forward to his tacos from Meg. He left his office and got on the elevator. He stood at the back, leaning against the rail. 

Right as the door was about to close, a hand grabbed it and it opened back up. Castiel looked up and saw Dean entering the elevator. His face lit up red again and he stared at the floor, completely ignoring the other man. 

“Got anything planned for the weekend?” Dean asked. Castiel looked up at him and frowned. 

“No.”

“Hm. Me neither,” Dean responded. “Do you want to-”

“Are you asking me to have dinner again?” There was a pause. 

“Maybe,” Dean answered, looking away. 

Castiel rolled his eyes. “Why do you want to have dinner with me so badly?”

“Because I haven’t seen you in seventeen years and I thought you might want to catch up.” Dean met Castiel’s eyes again. “You said you weren’t mad anymore.”

“I might not be mad, but that doesn’t make me want to hang out with you. You’re my boss,” Castiel said, watching as they got closer to the bottom floor. 

“Fine.” The way Dean said that made Castiel sigh. 

“Look, I know you probably want some kind of closure. You want to hear me say that everything is fine and we can be friends again. I can’t give you that. I don’t want to. I have no interest in a close friendship with you. We can be friendly as coworkers are, but we don’t see each other outside of work,” Castiel finished just as the elevator doors opened. “Have a good weekend.” Castiel walked out of the elevator and made a beeline for the parking deck door. He didn’t hear anything from behind him, and when he turned around, Dean hadn’t followed him. He wondered if Dean walked to work. That must have been nice. 

Castiel got in his car and sighed, resting his forehead against the steering wheel. He needed a drink. Fortunately, he wouldn’t be drinking alone tonight. Meg always had at least a few drinks with him when she came over. It was a nice change from the nights Castiel drank alone.

As he drove home, he noticed more clouds rolling in. So much for a clear day. He parked in his little driveway and unlocked his door. Loki didn’t run out this time. Castiel walked inside and saw him standing on the counter. They stared at each other for a moment, both acknowledging what was happening. Loki knew he wasn’t allowed up there. After a few seconds, the cat slowly walked to the edge of the counter and hopped down. He strutted up to Castiel and rubbed against his leg as an apology for breaking the rules. Castiel set his briefcase down and picked the cat up, rubbing his head gently. 

“We talked about this, Loki. You’re not allowed on the counters, remember?” He stroked the cat’s back a few times before setting him down. “Let’s get you some dinner.” Castiel walked to the kitchen and prepared Loki’s dinner, setting it down at his mat. When he glanced at the water bowl, he remembered to order the fountain. He went on Amazon on his phone and bought the highest rated cat fountain he could find. “The things I do for you,” he whispered. 

Castiel walked upstairs and changed out of his suit into sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. He knew that Meg would be in similar attire when she arrived. He put on a pair of baby blue fluffy socks to warm his feet and opened up a drawer. It was chilly in the house and he knew Loki was going to get cold, so he grabbed one of the sweaters he crocheted for him and brought it downstairs. Putting the sweater on the cat was just as hard as it sounded. Loki could handle being picked up for short periods of time, but he hated being manhandled to have his sweater put on. Once it was done, he was pretty happy. He understood that the sweater kept him warm. 

Castiel busted out the wine before Meg arrived. His sweet tooth was getting to him, so he poured a glass of Riesling. Just as he started drinking, the doorbell rang. He smiled and opened the door. There was no greeting, he just opened the door all the way and let Meg inside. 

“You started drinking without me? I’m hurt.” Meg carried in two large bags and set them on the coffee table. “I brought my own alcohol this time.”

“I thought our deal was that you feed me and I get you drunk,” Castiel protested. “I even bought scotch for you this week.”

“Keep it. I’ll have it next time.” She sat down on the couch and pulled out two cardboard takeout boxes. She peeked inside one of them and set it in front of the other side of the couch. Castiel sat down and picked up the box. “So, what’s with the stick up your ass? You’re mad about something.” 

Castiel stared at her. Sometimes she read him a little too well. “Do you remember when I told you about Dean Winchester?”

“Yeah, from high school?” She asked. 

Castiel nodded. “He’s my boss now.” 

Meg’s eyes widened. “No way. How did he manage that?” She picked up one of her tacos and took a bite. 

Castiel shrugged. “He probably did really well in management and worked his way up the corporate ladder. He did it fast, which is impressive. I’m surprised he does so well at management. Maybe I shouldn't be. He’s always been extremely charismatic. He’s smarter than he makes himself out to be. He seems to know what he’s doing. We had a meeting today and we went over how everything works. He seemed to know all the basics, so I think he’ll settle into the position nicely.”

“Hey, at least he beats your old boss. Nothing could be worse than him.” Meg leaned back on the couch. 

Castiel takes a long sip of wine. “Let’s not talk about my old boss.”

“Agreed.” Meg hums and looks at Castiel. “I feel like you’re not telling me something. Did something else happen with Dean?” 

Castiel sighed. There was never any point lying to Meg. She always saw straight through him. “I had a dream about him last night.”

“A dream or a  _ dream _ ?” Meg asked, raising a brow. 

Castiel bit the inside of his cheek. “The second one.”

“It’s probably natural. Old feelings are resurfacing. You’re just associating him with that stuff because that’s what you remember about him. Don’t sweat it. It’ll pass and then he can be your normal boss. Or you could, you know, fuck your boss. It would be kinky as hell.”

“No!” Castiel threw a piece of cilantro at Meg. “I’m not having sex with Dean.” Meg laughed softly and finished off her first taco. Castiel pouted and sank down on the couch. All of this made him reminisce about high school and what it was like. 

~~~

####  **September 15th, 1999**

Castiel stood outside the school, staring at the pavement as he crunched a leaf under his shoe. He lifted his head and saw a familiar face approaching him. He smiled softly, holding the straps of his backpack. 

“Cas!” Dean ran up to Castiel with a cheshire grin on his face. “You waiting for your parents?” Castiel shook his head. 

“My older brother, Michael, picks me up.” Castiel looked around. “My other brother should be out here. He takes forever to finish talking to his friends.” 

Dean raised his brows. “How many brothers do you have?”

“Three. Michael is the oldest, Jimmy is my twin, and Gabriel is my younger brother. Michael picks him up at the middle school.” Castiel spotted his twin and let out a small sigh of relief. Dean turned his head to see who Castiel was looking at and his eyes widened. 

“You didn’t tell me that he looked exactly like you!” Dean gaped. 

Castiel shrugged. “We’re nothing alike in personality if that makes you feel any better.” Castiel sighed. 

Dean chewed his lip. “Hey, do you think your brother would let you come home with me? We can do homework together. There’s not a lot of people at my house, just my dad and my brother. And, we can walk. It’s not too far,” Dean offered, visibly buzzing with excitement.

Castiel couldn’t help but smile at him. “I can ask.” He glanced up just as Jimmy walked up beside him. 

“Hey, Cassie,” Jimmy said, a small smile on his face. Jimmy was very personable, but a strict rule follower. He had lots of friends and made perfect grades, basically the poster boy for the Novak family. 

“Hello, Jimmy. I think I’m going to go hang out with my friend.” 

Jimmy raised a brow. “You think Michael will let you? You have to ask him.” Ever the rule follower. 

Castiel shrugged. “I never ask to go anywhere. Surely just this once will be fine,” Castiel said quietly, staring at his own feet. 

Jimmy crossed his arms. “Okay. Whatever you say.” There was some tension in the air. Most of the time, Castiel and Jimmy got along just fine. They were different, but they could coexist. At times like this, Jimmy could be a little overbearing. 

Dean paused for a moment before sticking his hand out. “Hey. I’m Dean.” He smiled. 

Jimmy reached out and shook his hand. “Jimmy. Nice to meet you.” He looked away as a familiar car pulled up. “Come on, Cassie.” 

Castiel walked up to the passenger side window and knocked on it. It rolled down and Michael leaned over. 

“Why aren’t you getting in the car?” Michael asked, an exasperated look on his face. Practically raising three younger brothers at eighteen was hard, and it took a toll on him. 

Castiel swallowed. “Can I go home with my friend, Dean? I won’t stay late.” Castiel chewed the inside of his cheek. 

Michael glanced at Dean. “Can your friend give you a ride home when you’re done? I’m swamped, Cassie.” 

Castiel looked to Dean, who nodded. “He can.”

“Alright. Be back before eight,” Michael said, reaching over to roll the passenger side window back up. 

Castiel smiled and nodded. He turned to Dean as Michael drove off. “Which way?” He was excited. It had been a long time since someone had invited him to their house. 

Dean grinned. “This way.” He led the way, chatting Castiel’s ear off the whole time. Castiel was mostly quiet, listening to Dean yammer on about Star Trek, which they had discovered they both liked at lunch the day before. 

Dean lived in a little single-story house in a neighborhood right by the school. He explained to Castiel that they had to stop and wait by the bus stop at the front of the neighborhood to walk Sam home. Once they had Sam, they walked into the house together. Dean told Castiel that their dad wouldn’t be home until five-thirty. He was a mechanic at a shop a couple miles away. Dean led Castiel to his room and tossed his backpack onto the bed. 

“I know my room isn’t much. We moved in right before school started.” Dean hopped onto his bed. 

Castiel set his backpack down and looked around. “It’s better than sharing a room with a perfectionist twin. Jimmy makes me keep everything put away all the time because he hates mess.” Castiel sat down on the bed next to Dean. “So, should we do homework?”

“I’ve got a Nintendo 64.” Dean grinned. Castiel smiled and they immediately moved to the floor in front of the small TV in Dean’s room. They grabbed controllers and their afternoon was planned. 

A few hours passed, most of them spent playing Super Smash Bros. Dean heard the front door open and close, so he paused the game briefly. The bedroom door opened and someone stood in the doorway. 

“Hey, Dean. Who’s this?” The man asked. 

Dean set his controller down. “This is Cas. I met him at school,” Dean explained. 

Castiel looked up at Dean’s father and waved a little. 

“Is Cas okay with chicken for dinner?” John asked. 

Dean looked at Castiel, who nodded, then back up at his father. “Yes.” 

John smiled a bit and nodded. “Alright then. Dinner in thirty.” He closed the bedroom door, leaving the boys alone again. 

Thirty minutes later, Castiel ate dinner with the Winchester family. Dean asked John if he could drive Castiel home, to which John agreed happily. Castiel liked being in the Winchester household. It was much less crowded than his own home, and the atmosphere was so much nicer. Castiel hoped that Dean would invite him over often. 

Castiel stayed there as long as he possibly could. He told John that his curfew was at eight, so at seven-forty-five, John opened Dean’s bedroom door to get Castiel to take him home. Dean rode in the car with Castiel to avoid the awkward feeling Castiel would have had being alone in the car with an adult he didn’t know very well. Castiel gave John directions to his house, which was only a few miles from Dean’s home. 

When Castiel got out of the car, he waved goodbye to Dean and walked up to the front door of his home. He knocked and held his backpack straps, hoping Michael would answer the door. He looked up when the door opened and was relieved to see his older brother. As he walked through the home, he glanced at the couch and saw his father there. He was passed out with an empty whiskey bottle in hand. Castiel hurried back to his shared room with Jimmy, trying not to think about his father. 

~~~

Castiel woke up with a massive headache. His back was aching too. He groaned and opened his eyes, suddenly realizing that he was slumped over in his chair instead of his bed. He frowned and looked around. Meg was asleep on his couch. She spent the night only when she wasn’t sober enough to drive home. Castiel remembered that they turned on a Disney movie and played a drinking game, then they both fell asleep during the second movie. It was a fun night, but Castiel was paying the price that morning. 

As Castiel got up, Meg woke up. She sat up and stretched, yawning and rubbing her face. She turned and looked at Castiel, chuckling a bit. 

“You look like shit,” She said in a hoarse voice. 

Castiel raised a brow. “Says the girl with eyeliner down her cheeks.” 

Meg picked up her phone and looked at herself in the camera. She glared. “Hilarious.” She stood up and walked to the downstairs bathroom to wash her face. 

Castiel stood up and spotted Loki in his cat bed by the fireplace. He walked over and gently petted the cat a few times before heading to the kitchen to prepare Loki’s breakfast. Once the cat was fed, he opened his fridge to grab a sports drink for himself and Meg. He chugged half the bottle and sighed, looking out the window. Meg returned from the bathroom and picked up her sports drink. 

“Feel better?” Castiel asked. 

Meg nodded and sipped her drink. “Much. Now, are we going to talk about last night?” She asked, raising a brow. 

“What about last night? Did I say something stupid?” Castiel didn’t remember saying anything, which may have been worrisome if he wasn’t sure that he didn’t blackout. 

“You drank a lot. I know you don’t only drink when I’m here because I saw how many wine bottles were in your recycle can. I thought you were going to pass out last night, but you didn’t. You’ve got the tolerance of a college student. How?” 

Castiel bristled. He didn’t expect Meg of all people to ask him about alcohol. “I don’t know. I’ve always been a heavyweight.” He looked away. 

“How much do you drink during the week? Don’t say just a glass or two at dinner because I’ll know you’re lying. You had to be drinking nearly a bottle a night to go through the amount of wine I saw in your recycle can.” Meg’s usual snarky grin was gone. She looked dead serious. 

Anger started bubbling up inside of Castiel. “It’s none of your business.”

“Castiel, dear, you know I love you. I’m worried, okay? I’m not trying to make you upset.” She stepped forward a little. 

Castiel huffed. “Well you are!” He took a step back away from her. 

“You don’t have to tell me how much it was. I don’t really care about the amount. I just care that I’m watching you wither away right in front of my eyes. You look less like yourself every week.”

“Get out.” Castiel set his Gatorade bottle down. 

Meg glared. “Don’t say that to me. You know I’m trying to help. Don’t push me away.”

“I said get out!” Castiel shouted. He heard himself and a part of his mind was horrified with how he was speaking to his best friend. 

“Fine. But, I’ll be back next week and we’re not drinking together again.” Meg turned and grabbed her purse from the coffee table. She sighed and looked back at Castiel. “Take care of yourself, Clarence.” She left the house, closing the door behind herself. 

Realization finally hit Castiel and he covered his own mouth. He wanted to run outside and apologize to her, but he already heard her car driving away. He sunk down to the floor and ran a hand through his own hair. He buried his face in his knees and let the shame sink over him. He deserved it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come listen to me ramble on[tumblr](https://deanieweaniewrites.tumblr.com)


	4. A Compromise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm terribly sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up. I am going through some medical issues and this weekend was particularly bad. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Dean was swamped with work over the weekend. He was still trying to catch up from the pile of work that was there for him when he arrived at Sandover. It made him wish that he had started on a Monday so he would have more time in the office for his first week. Oh well, it was too late. Monday would be there soon. 

Dean’s desk came on Saturday, so he spent the first half of the day building it in his home office. He rolled the chair up to it and looked at his work. It was a simple wooden desk that would be great for everything he had to do with it. It had two drawers that Dean planned on storing files in. With the desk in place, Dean opened the curtains he had put up a few days prior to let some light in. It was cloudy outside again, but there was still light. Dean set up his laptop on the desk and sat down to start working. 

Saturday and Sunday felt like a blur of work. Dean stayed up late working on Saturday night and woke up early on Sunday, so he was tired when Monday morning came. He barely had time to think about anything other than work, and then he had a full week of work ahead of him. The new job was kicking his ass. When he stepped into the elevator, he didn’t even look at who was in there with him. He stared at the wall in front of him until he realized that he heard a voice. 

“Are you okay?” 

Dean looked at the voice and saw Castiel. His eyes widened and he swallowed. “Yeah, why?”

“Because I just said good morning to you and you stared at the wall like a zombie for a solid ten seconds. Did you forget to sleep?” Castiel asked, his head tilted slightly. 

Dean was pleased that Castiel was even speaking to him. “I slept, just not much. I worked all weekend.” He rubbed his eyes. 

“You know, there’s some stuff you can send over for me to do. You don’t have to do it all yourself,” Castiel stepped out of the elevator as it opened. 

Dean followed him. “But you already have a full workload.”

“I did it all the time for my old boss. Send me some of those reports and I’ll get them done and send them back to you.” Castiel opened the door to his office. “And take a nap during lunch. You’re going to keel over.” He closed the door to his office, leaving Dean alone in the hall. 

Dean stood there for a few seconds before walking to his office. He wondered if Castiel had a rough weekend too. He didn’t look too good. He may have looked more tired than Dean did. 

Dean sat down in his office chair and thought about what Castiel had said. With their positions, Castiel was basically his right hand man. It would make sense to send some work his way. Even just a few of the reports would be a massive relief to Dean. 

Then there was the matter of how Castiel looked. Dean wondered if he had to work all weekend too. Maybe he had a boyfriend or husband that kept him up all night. Dean mentally slapped himself for that thought. He couldn’t remember if he saw Castiel wearing a wedding ring or not. He made a mental note to look, just out of curiosity. Maybe a partner would explain why Castiel really didn’t want to talk to Dean. 

Dean ended up sending some of the reports he was working on to Castiel. He felt slightly bad about it, but he tried not to beat himself up too much. Castiel had offered, after all. With those out of the way, Dean was able to focus on other things. When lunchtime came, he was actually able to stop to eat. He debated taking a nap, like Castiel told him to, but he just had a mug of coffee instead. He could go to bed early tonight. 

When Dean returned to his office, he saw an email from Castiel that contained a few of the reports Dean had sent him. Dean was surprised that Castiel had finished that many already, but he wondered why he hadn’t waited to send them all. When he looked closer, he saw that Castiel had finished everything that needed to be in by the end of the day. It was exactly what Dean needed. His email read, “I can have the rest done by tomorrow.” Dean wrote him back quickly, thanking him for his help. 

Dean finished his work day at five, much to his relief. He packed up his things and left his office feeling much less pressure than he had over the weekend. Now that he knew Castiel could help him, things didn’t feel as bad. As Dean walked, Castiel’s office door opened and he stepped out. They made eye contact briefly, and then Dean very obviously looked at Castiel’s left hand. 

Castiel looked at his own hand, then back at Dean with an exhausted expression. “I’m not married, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Castiel turned and started walking to the elevator. 

Dean wanted to punch himself in the face for being that obvious. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Castiel waited for the elevator, staring at the metal door. “You know that dinner you keep asking for?” 

Dean furrowed his brows and nodded. “Yeah. What about it?”

“We can have that tonight, if you want. As coworkers, of course.” 

Dean’s eyes widened as he followed Castiel into the elevator. “What changed your mind?” he asked. 

Castiel sighed. “I realized that I’ve been very unfriendly lately. Not just to you. If we’re going to work together, we should at least be amicable. You want to have dinner, so we can have dinner.” 

Dean stared at him, dumbfounded, for a moment. He collected himself. “Alright. Where should we go?”

“I suppose I should pick. You did just move here.” Castiel paused for a moment as he stepped off the elevator. “There’s an excellent bistro just outside of town. I can give you a ride there. You walk to work, don’t you?”

“How’d you figure that out?” Dean asked. 

“You don’t walk out to the parking deck, so you either take a cab or walk. Knowing that you probably still have that car, I assumed that you walked.” Castiel led the way back to the door to the parking deck. 

Dean felt a little silly for not realizing that it must have been obvious. “I do still have Baby. I drive her on the weekends.”

“Ah, so you still refer to it as if it were a girl.” Castiel walked up to his car and unlocked it. 

Dean frowned. “Hey, you loved Baby!” He got into the car and sat in the passenger seat, buckling himself in. 

“It is a cool car.” Castiel set his briefcase in the backseat before backing out of the parking space and driving out of the parking deck. 

Dean held his bag in his lap and looked at Castiel’s car. It was purely functional, so it was very Castiel. Even the color was the standard silver. Dean felt a little weird being in his car, but he was looking forward to catching up with someone he knew so long ago.

“So, how’s life?” Dean asked. 

Castiel glanced at him before turning his attention back to the road. “Fine. You know what I do for work already.” 

“The usual answer to that is ‘good’. What makes your life fine instead of good?” 

Castiel sighed. “Fine doesn’t mean bad. I guess my life is good then, if that makes you happier,” he answered. 

Dean realized how this was going to go. “So, are you doing this because you genuinely want to be friends, or are you doing it just to be nice?” Dean asked. 

Castiel frowned. “I never said I was doing this to be friends. We’re two coworkers eating dinner together because we have to like each other in order for our jobs to work. Trust me, I know how awful it is to work my job with a boss that I don’t like. It will be bad for you if you don’t like me. So, we’re having dinner to be friendly coworkers,” Castiel explained.

Dean nodded, because it made sense. They needed to be able to work together smoothly, and if there was tension between them, things were going to go south. This was a peace offering. “Alright, got it.” He stayed quiet for the rest of the drive. He looked out the window as they pulled up to a little building. It had a covered porch out front with cute wooden chairs. Of course, no one was sitting out there in the cold, misty weather they had that day.

Castiel parked the car and got out, pulling his trench coat closed around himself. Dean got out of the car as well, following Castiel into the building. Castiel asked for a table for two, and they were led to a small booth at the side of the restaurant. 

“Do you eat here a lot?” Dean asked. 

“No, not very often. I mostly eat whatever I have around the house. I typically bring work home with me, so I don’t have the time to eat out. I made an exception for today. I can catch up tomorrow.” Castiel took his coat off and folded it over his arm a couple times before setting it on the booth beside himself. 

Dean tried not to think about how good he looked in a suit. “Speaking of catching up, you saved my ass today. I had a lot of catching up to do when I started working, so much that I pretty much worked all weekend. I can actually go to bed at a reasonable hour because of your help today.”

“It’s no trouble. My old boss had me do most of those reports for him. Even management, when they were taking the place of your job, had me doing those reports. Doing just a few of them is actually less work for me than before.”

“How long did they go without my position?” Dean asked. 

Castiel furrowed his brows in thought and Dean had to tell his brain to stop thinking about how cute that was. “Almost nine months, I believe. As you know, it took eight months to hire you. They started looking almost immediately after the old guy was fired and the next in line turned down the promotion.” 

Dean raised a brow. “Fired? How did that happen? Companies are usually pretty slow to get rid of someone that high in management,” he pointed out. 

Castiel hummed. “He physically assaulted another employee. He had a bit of a temper on him.” He picked up his menu. “I brought you here because they have an excellent cheeseburger.” 

Dean perked up at that, looking at his menu. The waiter came by and brought water for them, asking if they’d like anything else to drink. Dean said he was fine, and Castiel ordered a glass of wine.

“You drink?” Dean asked once the waiter was gone. 

Castiel bristled. “It’s just a glass of wine.”

“I know. I just remember how against it you were in high school with your dad and all.” Dean regretted bringing up that man. He knew how much Castiel hated him. 

“I’m not in highschool anymore. I’m an adult who enjoys a glass of wine with dinner.” Castiel took a sip of his water. “How’s Sam?” He clearly wanted a change in subject. 

Dean obliged. “He’s great. He lives out in California. Santa Clarita. He graduated from Stanford. He went to law school there too.” He smiled a bit. “How’s your family doing? What are your brothers up to?” 

Castiel thanked the waiter for his wine and took a sip. “Michael works in Chicago for a tech company. Gabriel owns a bakery downtown.”

“Oh, right. I saw Gabriel the other day.” 

Castiel’s eyes widened. “You saw Gabriel? What did he say? Surely he recognized you, you haven’t aged a day,” Castiel said. 

Dean blushed a little and chuckled nervously. “He said that if I hurt you that he and Michael will come after me.” 

Castiel groaned. “Of course he did,” he said with an exasperated tone. The waiter came and took their orders. Both of them got the cheeseburger. 

Once the waiter left, Dean changed the subject. “So, how long have you been at Sandover?” Dean asked. 

Castiel seemed to relax a little. “Eleven years. I started accounting at a company in Chicago just after college. We wanted to stay close together, so we all moved out there at the same time. I worked there for a few years, but it wasn’t great. I started looking elsewhere and got a great offer from Sandover. I moved to Minneapolis and started working there. Seven years later, I got promoted to the job I have now,” Castiel finished and met Dean’s eyes. They had been looking at each other, but avoiding direct eye contact. 

Dean swallowed under Castiel’s gaze and nodded, trying to continue the conversation. “Sounds like you got it all figured out. You seem like you like your job.”

“I do. It’s gratifying and I’m good at it.” Castiel hummed. “What about you? How did you end up in accounting? It’s not the department I would have expected you to be in.”

“Well, I was a business management major in college, as you probably remember me talking about doing. When I took my first college math class and actually tried for once, I aced it. I didn’t really like math, but I’m good at it. My advisor told me I could add an accounting major to use my math skills. So I double-majored,” Dean explained, taking a sip of his water. “I graduated and went into an accounting job. As you probably remember, I went to college in Austin, Texas. I ended up liking it so much there that I stayed. I got promoted quickly, and as soon as I was in management, I found my stride. It worked for me. I climbed the ladder, and then I found this job. It’s a big step up from where I was, which is nice. I’m liking it so far.”

“I shouldn’t be surprised that you’re good in management. Your personality fits it.” Castiel said over his wine glass. “Though I guess I don’t know much about your personality now. It’s been seventeen years. We probably hardly know each other anymore.” 

Dean shrugged and sat back in the booth. “Probably. I think we’ve both grown up a lot. When I first saw your name, I expected you to yell at me like you did the last time I saw you.”

“It’s been so long, it’s not worth my time to yell at you. We were stupid teenagers.” Castiel set his wine glass down and stared at it for a moment. “What made you want to move out of Texas? You said you liked it a lot. Was it just the better job offer?” 

The question made Dean freeze up a little. Not wanting to share a bunch of personal details with Castiel, he just nodded. “I thought the job offer was worth the move. Sandover seemed like a good company to work for,” Dean explained, averting his eyes to the table. 

“What do you think about Minneapolis so far?”

“Cold. Rainy. I’m going to miss the mild winters in Texas. But, I do like my apartment. I like my job. I can take my car out of town and drive down some backroad just to drive. I think it’ll work out.” Dean glanced up and saw their food arriving. He stopped talking to eat. 

Dean picked up his cheeseburger and took a large bite out of it. His eyes widened. “Damn, this is really good. I’d be here every day if I wasn’t watching what I ate.” He heard a soft laugh and looked up at Castiel. “What’s funny?”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh. That just sounded so unlike the you that I knew in highschool. Highschool you would have come back here every day despite how bad for him the food was,” Castiel said. 

Dean chuckled a bit. “Yeah, well today me needs to watch the cheeseburgers a bit.” He grinned, enjoying seeing Castiel smile. It may have been the first time he’d seen Castiel smile since they reunited. Dean ate a few of the french fries on his plate once he had finished off his burger. He was stuffed full of the best food he’d had in a while. It was a good feeling. He decided to try and pick the conversation back up. “So, do you work out or something? You look really good.” He immediately regretted how he worded that, because Castiel narrowed his eyes at him. 

“I used to work out. I haven’t in a while.” He seemed insecure now, drawing back from Dean. He picked up his wine glass and drank the last few sips in one gulp. 

“If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t worked out since I moved,” Dean offered a small smile, trying to cheer Castiel up. It didn’t seem to work. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Castiel was closed off now. His expression steeled, and he looked like some of his walls were coming down. It was then that Dean realized just how unhappy Castiel seemed. It hurt to think that Castiel was suffering. Dean wanted to reach out, to be his friend, but he knew that wasn’t what Castiel wanted. Still, he had to try. 

“You know, you could come up to my apartment if you wanted. We can talk more,” Dean offered. 

Castiel’s expression soured even further. “Are you trying to get in my pants?” 

Dean’s eyes widened and he realized how his last few sentences must have sounded. He just complimented Castiel and then invited him into his apartment. “No! Not at all. I was just-”

“You’re unbelievable. I made my boundaries very clear and you’re still trying to cross them.” Castiel folded his arms over his chest. 

“Cas, I-”

“Don’t call me that,” Castiel snapped. 

Dean swallowed. “Castiel, I’m not trying to do anything stupid. You just...you don’t seem like yourself. You seem like you need a friend, and that’s what I was offering. If you don’t want that, fine. I’ll just be your boss and that’s it. But, the offer will always stand. If you need anything, I’m here.”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m helpless. I’m an adult now, I can handle myself.” Castiel huffed. “What is it with people lately?” he muttered under his breath before sighing. “I know you want to be friends, and I get it. If I were you, I’d probably want to be friends with me too. But I don’t want to pursue a friendship with you, not after everything that happened. I may not be angry anymore, and I may have even forgiven you, but I don’t have to have you in my life more than I have to. Does that make sense?” 

Dean listened and nodded. It seemed like Castiel was having to repeat himself a lot lately. Dean just couldn’t stop pushing. This had to be the last time. They were going to hate each other if Dean kept pushing. “Alright. I’m sorry. I get what you’re saying, and if I were you, I’d probably say the same thing. I’ll back off.”

“Thank you.” Castiel picked up the wine glass, sighed when he saw it was empty, and set it back down. The waiter came and set the check down. 

Before Castiel could say anything, Dean grabbed the check, stuck his card in it, and handed it back to the waiter. 

Castiel looked at Dean and sighed. “I was going to ask him to separate it.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Dean ate a couple more french fries. When the check came back, he signed it and set it at the edge of the table. 

Castiel stood up from the booth and put his trench coat back on, leaving it hanging loose around his body. Dean put his own coat on and followed Castiel out to the car. 

“Can you give me directions to your apartment building?” Castiel asked as he got in the car. 

Dean nodded. “Yeah, sure. It’s just a couple blocks down from Sandover.” Dean was quiet for the drive until they drove in front of Sandover. He pointed out his apartment building and Castiel’s eyes widened. 

“You live there? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You can afford that on your salary.” He looked at Dean. “See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow.” Dean got out of the car and walked to the front of his building. He turned and watched Castiel drive away. He took a deep breath. Everything was fine. He took the elevator up to his apartment and unlocked the door. Once he was inside, he went straight to his closet to change into lounging clothes. 

Dean found himself feeling pretty content about the way that their dinner went. He thought he would be more disappointed by being told that they couldn’t be friends, but somehow it felt right. How could they be friends after everything that had happened between them? There was too much history for them to ever reconnect fully. Being amicable coworkers seemed possible and even nice. It would be better than becoming friends and resenting each other for the things that had happened in the past. 

~~~

####  **January 27th, 2000**

Dean set down his controller after Castiel beat him yet again at Super Smash Bros. Something was on his mind, and he had to talk to his best friend about it. He looked at Castiel. 

“Do you know what the word gay means?” Dean asked. 

Castiel set down his own controller and looked at Dean. “I’m gay, so yes.” 

Dean’s eyes widened. “What? Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked. 

Castiel shrugged. “Never came up in conversation. Why do you ask? Do you think you’re gay too?” He turned to face Dean fully, sitting cross-legged. 

“Maybe. I don’t know. I think I still like girls, but I like guys too.”

“You might be bisexual. You could like girls and boys,” Castiel explained. 

Dean’s eyebrows went up. He had never heard that word before. “That...makes a lot of sense. Yeah, I think I’m bisexual.” He smiled. “Where do you learn about this stuff?” 

“Michael told me about it. Some kids in middle school started calling me gay as an insult. I asked him what it meant and he explained all of it to me. I ask him questions every now and then,” Castiel said. He chewed his lip, his eyes going down. 

Dean shifted, another question on the tip of his tongue. “Do you um...Since you’re gay, do you like me?” Dean asked, his heart beating out of his chest. 

Castiel met his eyes again, his expression surprised. “I was going to ask you the same question.” He paused. “To answer your question...yes. I do like you. I like you a lot, actually. You make me so nervous, but it’s a happy nervous. I like being around you a lot.” 

Dean felt the butterflies in his stomach explode into fireworks. “I like you too, Cas. I knew I liked you the minute I saw you. You’re really cool, and I’d like to be more than friends.” Dean felt so nervous that he thought he’d melt. But then, Castiel looked at him and it all felt okay. He wanted to get lost in those ocean eyes. 

“Have you ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend before? I’ve never dated anyone, so I don’t really know what to do,” Castiel confessed. He looked so shy.

“I tried to date a girl in middle school, but I don’t think that counts very much. We never went on any dates. If we dated, it would be my first official relationship. I mean, we’re both fifteen now, so I think we’re old enough, right?” 

Castiel nodded. “I think so. Lots of people in our grade have boyfriends or girlfriends.” Both of them sounded nervous. This was so new to them. 

Dean had never felt this way about anyone. In the months that he had known Castiel, all he wanted to do was tell him how he felt. The moment was finally there. He knew what he wanted. 

“Can I kiss you?” Dean blurted out, still feeling his heart hammering in his chest. He watched as Castiel smiled softly and shifted closer.   
“Sure.” Dean moved closer to Castiel. Their faces were mere centimeters apart. Their lips brushed together for a moment. Castiel was the one to finally lean in the rest of the way and kiss Dean. It was a short kiss, both of them too inexperienced to know what else to do. 

Castiel smiled brightly at Dean. “I’m very glad that you are my first kiss.” 

Dean smiled as well. “Me too. You’re mine as well.” 

Castiel sat back a little. “So, should we try a few dates?”

“Yeah, I think we should,” Dean said with a grin. Inside, he knew that this was the start of something amazing.


	5. Falling Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to update this in the morning before work but I forgot, so here it is now. Sorry about that. Anyway, this chapter is a doozy so enjoy!

Castiel woke up on Tuesday feeling better than he usually did. After the dinner he had with Dean, he didn’t do much. He fed the cat, worked for an hour and a half, then went to bed. He didn’t have anything else to drink, which may have been the reason that he felt better. He didn’t want to think about that too much. 

He took his morning shower and looked at his body, which he rarely did. He started to wonder if he should go back to the gym. He had been very much in shape for a long time, and that had changed in the past year. He wanted to keep himself healthy, he just wasn’t sure if he had the energy for it anymore. He was so tired all the time now. 

He got out of the shower and looked at himself in the mirror. Dean said last night that he looked really good. Castiel wondered if he meant it. He wanted to think that he looked good. It was hard to be confident in his body, so any compliment made him feel better. He thought about how Meg had said he was wasting away, and that made him go back to not wanting to look at his body anymore. She was right, he was losing a lot of muscle weight, but he didn’t want to think about it. It felt too hard. 

Loki was just outside the bathroom door when Castiel walked out. He smiled at his little buddy. Loki always made him feel better. The cat never judged him. He was happy with Castiel as long as he was fed and he got to sit on his lap for some time during the day. He was the perfect companion to Castiel. 

As Castiel ate his breakfast, his phone buzzed. He looked at it and raised his brows. 

**Meg Masters**

_ Hey, I’m coming to see you for lunch. You’re on the twenty-fourth floor, right? _

Castiel was surprised that she wanted anything to do with him right now after how he treated her on Saturday. Still, he knew this was Meg giving him a chance to apologize. He wanted that chance because he cared very deeply about Meg, and he hated how he acted around her. She was only trying to help. He answered her immediately and confirmed that he was on the twenty-fourth floor. He was nervous to see her again, but he already knew what he needed to say. 

After breakfast, Castiel turned on the morning news and sat down in his chair. He patted his lap and Loki hopped up to sit with him. He still had half an hour before he needed to leave, so he could spend some time relaxing. He liked this part of his morning routine. It was time that he had just to himself. He could sit there, pet his cat, and just relax. When Castiel had to leave, he gently set Loki down on the floor, apologizing when the cat meowed at him in protest. 

“I know, buddy. I’ll be back.” Castiel picked up his briefcase, double-checked that he had everything, and then left his house. He huffed out a breath once he felt the chilly air, looking up at the clouds. It was starting to stay darker for longer in the morning. It meant that it would be colder when Castiel left for work in the mornings. Fortunately, he didn’t have to be outside for long. The cold made him think about Dean walking in to work every morning and evening. It wasn’t a very long walk, but it was still more time spent in the cold. 

Castiel arrived at the building and took the elevator up to his office. He had a little bit of catching up to do that day, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. He looked at his succulent and saw that the thick leaves were wrinkling slightly, which meant that it needed water. Castiel left his office and went to the water cooler in the breakroom. He added a little water to one of the paper cups provided and brought it back to his office. He watered his plant and tossed the cup into his wastebasket. 

Once he was seated, he started on his work for the day. He had a few more emails from usual, including one from his least favorite person in management, Zachariah. He answered his email with a sour taste in his mouth and thanked whatever god there may be that Zachariah wasn’t there to ride his ass every day anymore. 

Once it got close to noon, Castiel started getting a little nervous. He knew what he wanted to say to Meg, but it was still scary to face someone he had been rude to, especially someone who was as important to him as she was. They had known each other since Castiel moved to Minneapolis and had been extremely close. It was painful to think that he had hurt her. 

There was a knock on his office door, and then it opened before he could respond. Meg walked in, wearing a business formal suit that she wore to her job at a company a few blocks down from Sandover. 

“You ready to eat?” Meg asked, leaning against the doorframe. 

Castiel stood up. “Meg, I-”

“Hush, save it for when we sit down. Come on, let’s go get sandwiches.” She led the way out of the office and to the elevator. 

Castiel followed her like a lost puppy, head hung low. He wanted to say what he needed to say right then, but he knew he should wait. At least Meg was going to let him apologize. They walked across the street to the sandwich shop and gave their orders to the teenager working behind the counter. Once they were seated, Meg gestured to Castiel to let him speak. 

“Meg, I am so sorry for how I treated you Saturday morning. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.”

“No, you shouldn’t have, but I could have been a little more delicate with you. I didn’t realize that I was poking a sleeping bear by asking you about that stuff. Do you want me to give my honest opinion on it?” She asked.

“Of course.”

“If you don’t want help, then I’m not going to force you. You have to want help in order to accept it. That being said, if you get to a point where I think you’ve gone off the deep end, I’m going to walk you into twelve-step myself. I care about you a lot, you know that. Obviously, I’d like it if you started making changes now, but you’re an adult. You’ve got to make that decision for yourself. I don’t want to drink with you again, because Friday night was scary and I can’t watch that again. All I can say is that you are loved, and you might feel a lot better if you faced your demons instead of drowning them out,” Meg finished and offered a small smile. 

Castiel felt himself getting angry again, but he calmed himself back down. “Okay. I’ll think about it.” That was all he had to say. It wasn’t like he had an actual problem, right? He was nothing like his father. Chuck was a neglectful alcoholic, and Castiel couldn't be anything like him. 

“Good.” Meg glanced up at the counter. “Your sandwich is ready.” 

Castiel stood up, taking the opportunity to take a deep breath. He grabbed his sandwich and sat back down at the table. Meg got up to grab her sandwich as well before returning. She seemed to notice that Castiel was quiet and picked up a new conversation. Castiel relaxed a little and started talking again. 

The lunch went over well once the first part was over. They mostly talked about their jobs and the work they had to do recently. Castiel avoided talking about Dean, mostly because he had been avoiding thinking about the man. If he spent too long on that subject, he always started thinking about how good Dean looked, and he already told himself that he wasn’t going to develop feelings for him. 

Castiel returned to his office just as his lunch break ended. He suddenly had a massive influx of emails when he checked his inbox, which was concerning. Turns out they were all about an issue with the software Sandover used. The IT department was already on it, so everyone was hoping that their computers would be working again within the next few hours. In the meantime, Castiel finished the reports that Dean had sent him. He didn’t need to use the computer software for those. He sent them over and looked for something else to do while he waited for IT to finish. 

It took another hour before IT was done fixing the software. Castiel immediately started working once the message came in declaring that it was fixed. He was falling behind a little bit now, which had his stress levels increasing. It was Tuesday, so it was the day he usually visited Gabriel after work. He thought about texting Gabriel to cancel for this week, but then he decided that he shouldn’t. He needed some time to unwind, and he would only be at the bakery for about half an hour. 

The workday ended and Castiel left his office. He walked out the front of the building instead of going to the parking garage and stuck his hands in his pockets. It was a particularly windy day, so Castiel’s coat was blowing all around in the wind. He ducked his head down and pushed through the heavy wind until he arrived at Gabriel’s bakery. He opened the door and walked inside, relaxing once he was inside the warmer building. 

“Cassie!” Gabriel stepped out from behind the counter, leaving the employee he had back there with him to take care of customers. 

“Hello, Gabriel.” Castiel walked over to their usual table and sat down, taking his coat off. 

Gabriel sat down across from him and folded his arms together, leaning on them on the table. “How’s work treating you? You look exhausted.”

“It’s fine. The software that most of the company uses went down today, so I had to spend nearly two hours answering emails and finishing up some reports for Dean.” 

Gabriel snapped his fingers. “That’s right, he’s your new boss, isn’t he? He came in here the other day and told me about it briefly,” Gabriel said, leaning back in his chair. 

Castiel nodded. “He is. It’s been...fine, I suppose.”

“He’s not doing anything stupid, is he? I wouldn’t put it below him,” Gabriel’s smile left his face. He didn’t like Dean very much. 

“Kind of. I accused him of trying to get in my pants last night. I finally obliged him with dinner, as coworkers, and he invited me back to his apartment. Looking back on it, I think he just thought I looked pitiful and he was trying to be nice.”

“You don’t look pitiful. You’re not as much of yourself lately, but it’s understandable. The last few years have been really hard, especially for you.” Gabriel sighed. “But other than trying to get into your pants, Dean isn’t being a jackass?” 

Castiel shook his head. “No. He’s a hard worker and I think he’ll be a really good boss. I think we came to an understanding last night, so that’s a relief. He told me he’d back off from trying to be my friend, which is what I wanted,” Castiel said, looking down at the table briefly. He met Gabriel’s eyes again. “Enough about me, how are you? How’s Kali?”

“Oh, we broke up. Again.”

“Good,” Castiel said. He always thought that Gabriel and Kali’s relationship was toxic. They had been through multiple breakups. 

“I know you don’t like her, but we had our good moments.” Gabriel sighed. “Maybe you’re right. I should just move on, shouldn’t I?” 

Castiel nodded. “You two were always fighting, anyway. I think you two are better off apart,” Castiel said. 

Gabriel sighed and rested his chin on his hands. “Yeah, probably.” He looked at Castiel and smiled softly. “Don’t worry, I’ll bounce back.”

“I know you will.” Castiel looked around the bakery. “Business doing alright? You seem to have a lot of people in here.”

“It’s going great. We’re way in the green this month. It’s only getting bigger. I had to hire another cashier and baker. Selling coffee and opening earlier in the morning was a genius idea on your part. It’s brought in way more business. Everyone loves coffee or tea, and lots of them end up buying a treat to go with it.”

“I’m glad to hear that it’s working out. You’ve worked hard to get here. You should be really proud.” 

Gabriel grinned. “Hell yeah, I am. This place is awesome. It’s my own personal heaven. Living just upstairs is one of the best parts. Not having a commute has made my life a thousand times easier,” Gabriel said. 

Castiel chuckled. “I think I’d rather commute than live above Sandover. Too many people.”

“Yeah, you do much better slightly out of the city. I’m surprised you do so well in a crowded office building,” Gabriel pointed out. 

Castiel shrugged. “I’ve always had an office or cubicle to myself, so it’s been easy to avoid people. You know I never go in the breakroom except to get water for my succulent, so I get to stay more isolated. The amount of emails I send is enough social interaction for me.”

“Maybe, but you can’t deny that you’re lonely. I see it in you,” Gabriel’s smile softened. “You really should try to make more friends. Not Dean, though. He can go to hell.” 

Castiel chuckled. “I have plenty of friends. I see you, Charlie, and Meg, once a week each. I see Michael every now and then,” He explained. “Also, I’m not mad at Dean anymore. He was a stupid teenager and it’s been a long time. He’s probably nothing like he used to be.”

“Still, what he did was super shitty and you shouldn’t be friends with him after that, even if it’s been years.”

“I’m not going to be his friend. I’ve already made that abundantly clear to him. I’ll be friendly to him since he’s my boss and with our positions, we have to work together a lot. I’m practically his right-hand man. We have to like each other at least a little bit or our jobs will be hell. I know from experience.” Castiel let out a long sigh, sinking in his chair a little. 

Gabriel nodded, a kind expression on his face. “You’ve got this. From what it sounds, Dean sounds like a much better boss than your old one. With Dean’s position filled, you’ll have a little less work now, and you can relax some more. Maybe you could actually take time off. Go visit Michael or fly out to a sunny beach where you can finally get a tan.” 

Castiel shook his head. “With Dean being so new in the company, I need to be there as much as possible right now. They need me. I’ll take time off for Christmas and that’s it.”

“Whatever you say. I just think you deserve a break from everything. You can leave Loki with me and go off to wherever you want for a week,” Gabriel offered. 

“I’ll think about it.” Castiel felt like he was saying that a lot recently. He looked at the time. “I’d love to stay longer, but I’m behind on work today. I nearly called you for a rain check. We can catch up more next week if that’s alright.”

“That’s fine by me. Take care of yourself, Cassie.” Gabriel stood up and waved before returning behind the counter to work. 

Castiel got up and left the bakery, putting on his coat as he stepped out into the wind. 

The walk back to the parking deck was pretty miserable. Castiel cursed the weather for being so bad that day. He got into his car and immediately started it up. He turned on his seat warmers and took a minute to warm up before he started driving. Since he was leaving later, the traffic was worse getting home. He started getting irritated by the thirty-minute mark, and it was over forty-five minutes before he was finally parking in his driveway. He walked inside and immediately started on his evening routine, eager to have a drink and get his work done. 

~~~

####  March 26th, 2000

Castiel and Dean had been together for just about two months. It was still very new to them, but they were having a great time together. They ate lunch together every day, and most days after school, Castiel would walk with Dean back to his house. Sometimes John would take them to a restaurant so that they could have a date. John was supportive right from the beginning. He found out accidentally when he walked in on them kissing. All he did was smile and tell them to be careful. 

The one thing that hadn’t happened was Dean going over to Castiel’s house. They had never really addressed why. Dean knew the Novak brothers at this point. He saw Jimmy at school every day, and sometimes he waved at Michael and Gabriel when Michael picked Jimmy up from school. 

“Hey, can I come over to your place today? I’ve never been,” Dean asked, walking up beside Castiel as he followed him out of the school. 

Castiel swallowed. “I don’t know. I don’t think you’ll like it very much there. It’s small and crowded. We’d have to sit in the backyard because Jimmy won’t want us in the bedroom.”

“That’s okay. You know my family, and I’d like to know yours a little better.” Dean smiled, taking Castiel’s hand. “I don’t care if it’s small. Believe me, I’ve lived in some weird places before.” 

Castiel looked at him, still unsure. “Okay, you can come. Michael knows you, he’ll probably say yes.” Castiel held Dean’s hand tightly. “If you hate it, you don’t ever have to come back. We can just go to your place instead.”

“That’s fine. I’m sure I won’t hate it as much as you think I will.” Dean stopped at the edge of the sidewalk, waiting for Michael’s car to pull up. 

Castiel chewed the inside of his cheek nervously. Jimmy appeared beside them and tilted his head. 

“You’re not going home with Dean today?” He asked. 

Castiel looked at Jimmy and shook his head. “I was going to ask Michael if Dean could come over to our house.” 

Jimmy frowned a bit. “I’m sure he’ll say yes, but you can’t stay in our bedroom. I have homework and I don’t want you two to make a mess in there,” Jimmy said, pulling his backpack tighter over his shoulders. 

Castiel sighed. “We’ll stay in the backyard.” He saw Michael’s car pulling up and he knocked on the passenger side window. 

Michael rolled it down and leaned over. “Yeah?”

“Can Dean come over?” 

Michael looked at Dean, then back at Castiel. He nodded. “Sure. Hop in.” 

Jimmy got into the passenger seat, leaving the back row open for Dean and Castiel. Castiel slid into the middle seat, making sure not to squish Gabriel. Dean got in and closed the door. 

Gabriel leaned over and grinned at Dean. “Heya! I’m Gabriel. I think we’ve only waved at each other before.” 

Dean waved and smiled. “I think so. It’s good to formally meet you.”

“So, you having fun boning my brother?” Gabriel asked, a devilish grin on his face. 

Michael whipped his head around. “Gabriel!” He quickly turned his head back to look at traffic. 

“Sorry! It was a valid question!” Gabriel held his arms up in defense. 

Castiel rolled his eyes. “You’re a menace, Gabriel,” he groaned. 

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Gabriel had a smug grin on his face as he sat back in his seat.

The rest of the drive was quiet. Michael parked the car in front of the garage and everyone started filing out. Jimmy and Michael were the first to go into the house, retreating to their bedrooms. Gabriel was close behind, running inside with his backpack held against his chest. Castiel took a deep breath and led Dean into the house. 

Dean looked at the small entryway and nodded. “It’s nice.” 

Castiel was silent. They walked in a little further, and to the right was the living room. There was a computer desk set up right in the middle, and at the desk was Chuck. He was typing furiously away, surrounded by empty beer and liquor bottles. He looked drunk. Castiel quickly led the way to the back door and opened it. He closed the door behind Dean and sat down on the back porch. Shame filled his body and made him close himself off. He never wanted Dean to meet Chuck.

“I’m sorry you had to see that. He’s always like that.” Castiel didn’t look at Dean, who had sat down in front of him. 

“Cas, if there’s anyone who understands that stuff, it’s me.”

“How? Your dad is great. He makes dinner for you, buys you nice things, and he takes good care of you and Sam. My dad just writes his stupid books and drinks. He never makes or buys dinner for us. Michael does all of the stuff that he should be doing,” Castiel’s eyes welled up with tears. “Eating at your house is usually the only time I get a nice, home-cooked meal. Michael has to buy us frozen food because it’s the cheapest and he doesn’t have time to prepare anything else between work and college,” Castiel finished. 

Dean reached out and took Castiel’s hand. “You know, things weren’t always great with my dad. He’s only been good for the past year.” He paused. “When my mom died, my dad went off the deep end. He started drinking a lot. He couldn’t hold a job anywhere, so we lived in Baby or in motels. I moved schools at least three times a year. A family friend called CPS when he heard from me that we had been alone in a motel room for a week and we were running out of food. I was twelve. CPS took us away from our dad, and the family friend that called took us in. His name is Bobby. He gave us a safe house to live in. My dad went to rehab, and he spent a long time getting better. He started visiting us a year ago, and over this past summer, he got custody again. We moved to Lawrence, which leads me to now.”

“Dean, I...I had no idea.”

“I know. You wouldn’t think that my dad was like that before, but he was. He’s better now, and it’s great. So, if anyone knows what it’s like to have an alcoholic dad, it’s me. I know how hard it is, especially when you don’t have a mom either.” Dean squeezed Castiel’s hand. 

Castiel sighed. His mother left right after Gabriel was born, so it had  been years since Castiel had a mom. He could barely even remember her. Castiel scooted closer to Dean and leaned on his shoulder. 

“Thank you for telling me about your experience. It helps a lot.” 

Dean kissed the top of Castiel’s head and wrapped an arm around him.“Anytime, Cas. Just remember that I’m here for you, so if you need to talk about it, I’ll listen.” Dean hugged his boyfriend close. 

Castiel hugged him back, feeling a massive weight being lifted off of his shoulders. 

~~~

Castiel finished his work week with the stress only piling up more. With each day, he felt like he was going to burst. It was only made worse when Meg came over on Thursday and he couldn’t drink that night. The itch was there, but he wasn’t allowed to scratch it. He had to resist in order to convince Meg that he didn’t have a problem. So, by Friday he was bursting at the seams. He decided to treat himself, which he rarely did. 

Castiel walked into the bar in a sweater and jeans. He had crocheted the sweater himself a few years ago. It was a deep navy blue with some patterns on the chest. Castiel usually didn’t like the bar scene, but this one was downtown, and it was nice. He took an Uber there so that he could take one back home safely. Loki was already fed and his new water fountain was set up, so everything was in place for Castiel to have a night to unwind. 

When he started drinking, he suddenly had the inability to stop. He watched people play pool as he downed drink after drink. He liked fruity mixed drinks as much as he liked whiskey, so he had both. The night got blurrier and blurrier. His stress melted away and he finally felt like he could relax. Slowly, the night faded from him. He was blackout drunk, and he knew it. He vaguely remembered talking to someone, and then he was on the couch, finally going to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, cliffhanger. See you next week!


	6. Confessions

Dean was trying to take Sam’s advice. He needed to make new friends in Minneapolis. He started with coworkers, but he decided that the only guy he talked to, someone named Zachariah, was a total dickhead. He needed to look elsewhere. He did some research and found out about a small bar downtown. It was a local place that had rave reviews online. Dean thought it sounded like his kind of scene, so he planned to go Friday night. 

On Friday, he was buzzing with excitement in the morning. He was eager to make new friends, and the bar sounded like just the place. He got into the elevator and spotted Castiel. He looked awful, but Dean wasn’t about to say anything about that. 

“Mornin’,” Dean said, trying to be polite. 

“Good morning,” Castiel replied. He sounded exhausted. 

“Ready for the weekend?” Dean asked. 

Castiel nodded. “Very much so.” He got off the elevator and walked straight to his office. Dean walked to his own office, eager to start his day so that he could quickly get to the end. 

The workday was relatively easy. They were nearly the end of the quarter, so the accounting department was working in overdrive to get all of the numbers in. Dean stayed for an extra hour at the office to make sure he had enough done, and then he left. 

He walked back to his apartment, eager to make dinner and change into his usual clothes. When he arrived back at his apartment, he immediately started taking his suit off, picking up the pieces of clothing as he walked. He gathered the suit in his arms and put it in his dry-cleaning bag. He put on his favorite pair of jeans, which had rips in the knees after so much wear, a black t-shirt, a green flannel, and his leather jacket. 

Dean made himself salmon for dinner. He even grilled up some vegetables with it. Making his own food was making the apartment start to feel more like home. He worried that it would feel more like a hotel room, but he had been there for a few weeks now, and he was liking it a lot. Dean sat on his couch and turned on the TV, wanting to wait until it got a little later before he left. He felt like a college student again, waiting for the bar to be at peak hours before leaving. 

At eight o’clock, Dean got up and pulled his boots on before leaving his apartment. The bar was within walking distance, so all he brought with him were his keys and wallet. He looked forward to Saturday when he planned to take Baby out for a long drive all day. 

Dean arrived in front of the bar and looked at the outside. It looked like a hole in the wall, but he knew from the pictures online that it was very homely inside. He opened the door and stepped inside, looking around at the different patrons. He saw booths lining the wall, strange art on the walls, and a large bar full of patrons on stools. It was dimly lit with fairy lights hung along the top of the bar. Overall, it looked incredibly friendly and Dean was eager to talk to people. 

Dean walked to the bar to sit down, taking the only available barstool. He ordered himself a cranberry juice and looked to his left. He saw a couple talking together, so he decided that they probably didn’t want to be bothered. Before he could look to his right, he heard a voice.

“Dean, is that you?”

Dean turned and saw none other than Castiel sitting there. He had multiple empty glasses in front of him, and he looked completely trashed. His hair was disheveled, he had bags under his eyes, and he was swaying slightly. “Yeah, it’s me.”

Castiel hummed, sipping on what looked like whiskey. “I’m guessing you read the rave reviews this place had.”

“Yeah, I did.” Dean stared at Castiel. “Sorry if this is rude, but how drunk are you?” 

Castiel laughed. “I don’t even know anymore.” He waved over the bartender and ordered another whiskey. “I’ll buy you a drink, what do you want?”

“Uh, nothing. I’m good.” Dean swallowed. “You sure you’re going to have another?”

“Yup. I don’t have plans to remember tonight.” Castiel took a sip of his drink. “What happened to party animal Dean? I remember the parties we went to in high school.”

“I’m not in high school or college anymore. I just came here to socialize,” Dean explained. He sipped his cranberry juice. “Do you come here every Friday?”

Castiel shook his head. “No, I almost never come here. I needed this after this week, though. This week sucked.” He rubbed a hand over his face. 

Dean frowned. “I didn’t realize you were so swamped. I guess it’s to be expected at the end of the quarter.” 

“Ah, don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine. This happens every quarter and I always make it.” Castiel knocked back the rest of his drink. He swayed and steadied himself by grabbing the bar. He chuckled to himself and then looked at Dean. “So, you plan on coming here often?” 

Dean raised a brow. “Are you...trying to flirt?”

Castiel grinned. “Maybe.”

“Uh, weren’t you the one that got mad and accused me of trying to get in your pants?”

Castiel barked out a laugh. “Oh please, I only said that because I was thinking about getting into your pants. Hell, I’ve had a sex dream about you!”

Dean’s face flushed crimson and he took a sip of cranberry juice, suddenly wishing that it wasn’t just juice. “Dude, you’re really drunk.”

“Yeah, kinda the whole point of me being here.” Castiel nearly fell off the barstool. 

“You better not order another drink. You should have been cut off a while ago.” Dean frowned. 

Castiel raised a brow. “Funny that you’re my boss now, I seem to remember being the one in charge in...certain situations back in the day.” He grinned. 

Dean’s face was on fire and he was glad that no one else he knew was hearing this. “I thought we were sticking to just being coworkers. I’m pretty sure coworkers don’t talk about this stuff.”

“Aw, you’re cute. I’m just messing with you.” Castiel rested his arms on the bar and stared at Dean, looking at him up and down. 

Dean wished he could force his blush to go away. He was shocked to hear that Castiel wanted to have sex with him, but those thoughts were trumped by the worry. He had no idea how much Castiel had been drinking, but it was certainly a lot. He had no idea if he was getting home safely. There was no way he could drive, but an Uber didn’t seem like a good option either. He looked like he was about to pass out, and no one would be there to help him if he passed out in his home. 

“Earth to Dean! Come on, what are you thinking about?” Castiel nudged Dean with his elbow and nearly fell off the barstool again. 

Dean decided that enough was enough, and he knew what he had to do. “C’mon, Castiel, let’s get you out of here.” He waved down the bartender and handed him his card to pay for both of their drinks. 

Castiel stood up and immediately fell into Dean’s arms, laughing and grabbing his jacket to hang on. “Where are you gonna take me? To your bed, hopefully.” He snorted and laid his head on Dean’s chest. 

Dean held Castiel up and waited for his card to come back. Once the bartender returned, he stuck his card in his pocket and put one of Castiel's arms over his shoulder. He ignored Castiel’s comment and just focused on getting him out of that bar. This wasn’t what he had planned for the night, but he had to make sure that Castiel was okay.

When they stepped outside, it had started to rain. Dean ducked his head and started walking slowly back to his apartment. He had to move slowly because Castiel seemed unable to move much faster. His demeanor seemed to be changing greatly, which only worried Dean further. 

“You hanging in there, Castiel?” Dean asked, holding onto him tightly. They were getting closer. All he got was a hum in response. God, he really hoped that Castiel didn’t have alcohol poisoning. He planned on assessing him thoroughly once they were back at his apartment. He could call an ambulance if needed. 

Dean got Castiel inside his apartment building and hit the button for the elevator. He looked at Castiel and heard him sniffle. Was he crying? He couldn’t tell with the rain on his face. He held him a little tighter and rode the elevator up to his floor. Once he was inside his apartment, he led Castiel straight to the couch. He set him down and frowned when Castiel just laid down, staring up at the ceiling. 

“Why are you doing this for me? I don’t deserve it,” Castiel muttered, eyes slipping closed. 

“I’m worried about you. You look awful. I’m trying to figure out if I need to call an ambulance to get your stomach pumped, man.” Dean sat on the arm of the couch. 

“I didn’t drink  _ that _ much.” Castiel rolled onto his side and curled up slightly. His body shook slightly and he hiccuped. Without the rain on his face, the tears were obvious now.

“What’s wrong?” Dean asked.

Castiel covered his eyes with his arm. “Everything.” 

“You want to talk about it?”

“No.”

Dean chewed his lip and debated what to do. Castiel looked like he might fall asleep right there. It wasn’t late yet, so Dean decided to stay up with Castiel for a little while to make sure he was alright. “Okay. I’ll be here if you need me.” He got up and left the room for a moment. He returned with the little trash can from his bedroom and placed it in front of the couch. Hopefully, if Castiel was going to throw up at some point, he’d do it in there. 

Castiel didn’t move from the couch, and he quickly cried himself to sleep. His arm fell off of his face, dangling on the floor in front of the couch. Dean stayed up for a few more hours, listening to Castiel’s breathing. It was steady and not too slow, so he didn’t feel the need to call an ambulance. At eleven, he went back to his bedroom and stripped down to his t-shirt and boxers. He climbed into bed and shut his lamp off. He drifted off to sleep with ease. 

The next morning, Dean woke up at the same time that he would for work. His body clock never let him sleep in, unfortunately. He rubbed his eyes and yawned, wondering if Castiel was awake yet. He got out of bed and put some sweatpants on before emerging from his bedroom. He looked at his couch and saw Castiel, who was still very asleep. Dean decided to make breakfast for both of them. 

As Dean cooked, he tried to be as quiet as possible. It was while he was cracking eggs that he remembered how heavy of a sleeper Castiel was. He still tried to be quiet, but he wasn’t as worried about it anymore. He made two plates of pancakes, bacon, and eggs. 

As he carried the plates to the table, he heard a groan. He looked up in time to see Castiel open his eyes, look at the trash can, and immediately vomit into it. He grabbed the trashcan and held it beneath his own head. Dean frowned and waited for Castiel to finish, looking away for the sake of his own stomach. 

“What-Where the hell am I?!” Castiel jumped up off the couch and stared at Dean with wide eyes. “What are you doing here?!”

“Easy, you’re in my apartment.”

“How the hell did I get here?” 

Dean set the plates down on the table. “I saw you at the bar last night. You were wasted and I was worried, so I brought you back here. I almost called an ambulance for you, I was worried that you had alcohol poisoning.”

Castiel stared at Dean with wide eyes. He seemed disbelieving. “Why would you do that for me? I would have just taken an Uber back home.”

“I would have put you in the Uber myself if I thought that you were going to be okay at home by yourself.”

Castiel sighed heavily and sat back down on the couch. “I can’t believe I let myself blackout.” 

“You did say last night that you didn’t want to remember the night.”

“I was drunk, of course I said something like that.” Castiel pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the time. “I need to get back to my house, my cat needs breakfast.”

“You have a cat? I’m shocked you haven’t made me sneeze.” Dean knew that Castiel would remember his awful cat allergy. 

“He’s a hairless cat and he doesn’t produce as much of the dander that most people are allergic to.” 

“Oh. Well, you should at least eat breakfast. I made some for you.” Dean sat down at the table. 

Castiel stood up and walked over to the table. “You didn’t have to do that.” He sat down at the table and made a face. “I don’t know if I can eat.”

“You should try. Food always helps a hangover.” Dean had an undeniable urge to ask about some of the things that Castiel had said the night before.

Castiel picked up his fork and poked at the food for a few seconds before trying to slowly eat. He stayed quiet for a minute. “So, did I say anything particularly stupid last night?”

Dean paused, swallowing the food in his mouth. “Uhh…” That was his chance. “You talked about how badly you wanted to sleep with me.”

Castiel dropped his fork and glared daggers at Dean. “I did not.”

“No, I’m being serious. I wasn’t going to bring it up, but you asked.”

Castiel’s face went bright red and he picked his fork back up, a grumpy expression on his face. “Well, I was drunk. It was just drunk thoughts. Old feelings resurfaced and all that.”

“Whatever you say.” Dean knew he was kind of being a dick, but now that he knew his feelings were reciprocated, he wondered if something could happen between them. 

“Look, I was wasted last night. Whatever I said, I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

Something came over Dean, and suddenly he was speaking his mind more clearly. “Hey, I’m just saying, we’re both adults. You’ve already accused me of trying to get in your pants, meaning you’ve seen through me a little bit. I wasn’t trying to get into your pants at that moment, but I had been thinking about it.”

“I’ve already told you that I have no interest in a relationship with you. I’m sure we both remember how that ended last time.” 

“I never said anything about a relationship.”

Castiel raised a brow. “You really want meaningless sex with me?”

Dean shrugged. “We’re both thinking about it, so why not?”

“You’re my boss. Isn’t it a tad inappropriate?” Castiel stuffed another bite of eggs into his mouth. He was awfully calm given the subject matter.

“As long as we’re not having sex at work, it’s probably fine. It’s just sex.” Dean finished his pancakes. He knew he was lying a little. He knew himself, and he knew that “just sex” with Castiel was going to be hard. He’d be lying if he told himself that he didn’t want something more than that. 

Castiel seemed deep in thought for a moment. “I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it.” He ate a few more bites of his eggs before setting his fork down. 

Dean nodded and set his own fork down. “That’s alright. Just let me know.” He was excited by the prospect of getting into bed with Castiel but terrified at what it would do to the feelings he had about the man. 

“You must not have been very drunk last night if you were able to walk me all the way back here.” 

“I wasn’t at all. I didn’t drink last night.”

Castiel frowned. “Please tell me that you didn’t stop on my account.”

“Oh no, I don’t drink at all.”

Castiel’s eyes widened. “What? Not that I can remember. You used to go nuts at parties in high school.”

Dean shrugged. “Guess I grew out of it.” He picked up both of their plates and carried them to the kitchen. “I can give you a ride back to your place.”

“Oh, no, I can take an Uber, you don’t have to do that.”

“I want to. I was going to take Baby for a drive today anyway.” Dean put the dishes in the dishwasher and grabbed his keys and wallet off the counter. 

Castiel stood up from the table and patted his pockets, making sure that he had everything. “Fine, but if you show up at my house uninvited one day, I’m going to be pissed. I’ll report you for stalking.”

“Fair enough.” Dean led the way out of his apartment and to the elevator. “Do you live in town?”

“Just outside. It’s far enough away that I can have a big space, but close enough to not have a long commute.” Castiel stuck his hands in his pockets as he rode the elevator down with Dean. 

Dean led Castiel out to the parking deck and unlocked Baby with the key. He got in and ran his hands over the steering wheel. He missed driving his car. 

Castiel got in and buckled himself in. “Take the highway north out of downtown and take the fourth exit you pass,” Castiel explained. He was quiet, seemingly not wanting to talk more than he had to. He looked deep in thought. Maybe he was thinking about the proposition Dean made. 

Castiel gave Dean all of the directions he needed, leading him to a small neighborhood just outside of the city. He pointed out his house.

“This is it. You can pull in the driveway,” Castiel said. He sighed. “Thank you for last night. I’m sorry I came onto you, that wasn’t acceptable behavior on my part. I won’t make excuses for it. That being said, I’ll think about your offer. We should probably exchange personal phone numbers. Best not to talk about sex at work, which is most likely the only place we’re going to see each other.”

“It’s no trouble, and yeah. What’s your phone number?” Dean pulled out his phone and typed Castiel’s number into a text message. He sent a quick text to him that said “it’s Dean” and stuck his phone back into his pocket. “See you on Monday.”

Castiel opened the car door. “See you.” He got out of the car and walked up to his front door. Dean watched him go in. When the door opened, he saw a pink blob come running out of the door, pause, then run back inside. Dean had to assume that the blob was Castiel’s cat. Once Castiel was inside, Dean backed out of the driveway and left the neighborhood. 

Now that he had some free time, he wanted to go for a drive. He was already out of downtown, so he just had to get out of the city now. He took the highway until he was out of Minneapolis, then took an exit onto a smaller highway. He didn’t roll the windows down to avoid the chilly air, but he did relax as he drove. It was the perfect way for him to unwind after a long work week. 

~~~

####  May 15th, 2000

It was the last day of freshman year. Dean was eager to finish the school year and spend the entire summer with his boyfriend. They had been together for nearly four months, and things were going great. At least three days out of the week, they were at one another’s homes. It was mostly at Dean’s house since they could actually sit inside there and it seemed to make Castiel more comfortable, given his rough home life. 

Dean finished his last final exam in his last class and practically ran outside. He knew Castiel was a faster walker than him, so he would be outside before Dean. They were planning on walking together back to Dean’s house. Sure enough, Dean spotted Castiel sitting on a bench outside of the school. His back was facing Dean, so he got an idea. He walked up behind him quietly, double-checking that his shadow wasn’t showing to Castiel. Once he was right behind him, he grabbed his head and leaned down, pecking his cheek. 

“Hiya.”

Castiel nearly jumped out of his skin and pulled his head away from Dean. He stared at him with a pout. “You scared me!”

“Yeah, that was the whole point. You ready to walk?”

Castiel nodded and stood up from the bench. “Yeah, let’s go.” He took Dean’s hand and started walking with him towards his house. “How did your finals go?”

“I think I did alright. I didn’t study for them very much.”

“You would ace your tests if you studied. You know you’re smart.” Castiel looked at Dean with a knowing stare. 

“Whatever.” Dean shrugged. He tilted his head back to feel the sun on his face. Fresh air was always appreciated after being stuck in the school building for eight hours. “Hey, I wanted to ask you something.”

“Okay. What is it?” Castiel tilted his head curiously. 

Dean smiled at how cute that was. “My dad is taking me and Sam to see Bobby up in Sioux Falls in a week. I already asked if you could come, and my dad and Bobby said yes. Do you want to come?”

Castiel’s eyes widened slightly. “Is it far away? Michael might get nervous if it’s super far.”

“It’s about six hours away.”

Castiel was quiet in thought for a moment. “I’ll admit time away from my family sounds nice. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been out of the state. I was probably a really little kid. I can ask Michael tonight. I want to go, it’s just a matter of me being allowed.”

“Awesome. It’ll be a good time. The road trip is nice and Bobby is cool. He’s kind of an old grump, but he means well. He has the scrapyard at his house and there’s a lake we swim in nearby.”

“I can’t swim.” 

Dean’s eyes widened. “Wait, really?”

Castiel nodded. “No one ever taught me.”

“I’ll teach you, then.” Dean grinned. He swung their hands back and forth between them, bumping his shoulder against Castiel’s every once in a while. They stopped at the front of the neighborhood to wait for Sam’s bus. 

Castiel squeezed Dean’s hand. “Thank you for inviting me. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem. I think it’ll be fun if you’re able to go.”

“How long will we stay?”

“A week. We leave next Friday and come back the Friday after.”

Castiel nodded. He glanced up as the bus came rolling up. It stopped and a few kids got off. Sam came down the steps and walked up to them. 

“Hey guys.” Sam was still much shorter than them, but he had sprouted up a couple of inches in the months that Castiel had known him. His bangs were starting to get long and they got in his eyes. 

“Hey, Sammy.” Dean smiled. 

“It’s Sam.” He huffed and started walking towards the house. Dean and Castiel followed him. 

Dean and Castiel spent the next few hours on the floor, playing on Dean’s Nintendo 64. Castiel seemed anxious, but Dean assumed that was because he wanted to ask his older brother about going to Sioux Falls with Dean. John drove Castiel home after dinner, and Dean nervously waited by the phone. Castiel promised to call Dean and tell him if Michael said yes or not. 

An hour later, the phone rang. Dean grabbed it and answered it, his heart pounding. 

“Hello?”

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel’s voice came through the speaker. “It took some convincing, but Michael said yes. I can come to Sioux Falls with you.”

Dean’s heart sang sweet relief. “Awesome. It’s going to be so much fun, I promise. Can I come over tomorrow? I want to see you again.”

“Sure. Michael is working and I think Jimmy is going to a friend’s house tomorrow morning, so we can actually sit in my room instead of the backyard.”

“Perfect. I’ll ask my dad to drop me off before he goes to work.”

“I can’t wait to see you again. I miss you already.” Castiel was shy at first about how clingy he was, but now he seemed to express it freely. He wanted to see Dean all the time.

“I miss you too, Cas. I’ll see you tomorrow morning, yeah?”

“Yeah. Bye.”

“Bye, Cas.” Dean hung up the phone and grinned to himself as he walked back to his room to go to bed. Life felt great. He was back with his dad, he had a wonderful boyfriend that he was going on vacation with, and school was out for the summer. Things were really looking up. 


	7. Making the Connection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to express my deepest apologies for this chapter being late. These are all pre-written and mostly edited, so the only reason it didn't go up on time was some things I had going on in my life. It's been crazy. I'm going to do my best to keep these updates regular on Mondays.

Castiel woke up on Monday still deep in thought. He had spent all of Sunday thinking about Dean and his proposal. No matter what he thought, it was hard to imagine. Given their history, a casual sexual encounter seemed strange. From what Dean had said, it sounded like it would be a regular thing. They could meet up and have sex whenever they wanted. 

There was no denying that Castiel wanted it. He was just starting to admit that to himself. He had been pushing down his feelings about Dean since he saw him for the first time. The question was, did he want something more than just sex? The answer was unclear. Castiel knew that he could never be in a relationship with Dean. That idea was ludicrous. Coming back to an ex after seventeen years? It was crazy to think about. 

Castiel took his shower and got ready for work, his head spinning. He couldn’t stop thinking about Dean. He wanted to fall into bed with him so badly. It was a matter of letting himself enjoy something like that. It could make the thoughts about being in a relationship with Dean worse. Then again, it could quell them. He could get his sexual frustration out and be done with the thoughts. If it became a regular thing, he could have some of the physical contact that he craved. 

Castiel knew he was lonely. It had been obvious from the get-go. He had a few friends and his brothers, but he felt so alone. He missed physical affection. He hadn’t had anything like that since college. 

In college, Castiel dated a man named Balthazar. They were a pretty good pair. Balthazar was sassy and fun. He took Castiel on fun dates, and the sex was good. They broke up when Castiel stopped feeling a spark between them. They stayed friends until Castiel moved to Minneapolis. They had lost touch since then, which was sad to Castiel. He thought about contacting him again, but it had been so long that he wondered if Balthazar forgot about him. 

Castiel went into work with a lot on his mind. He walked into the building and immediately saw Dean. They seemed to get to work at the same time a lot, which put them on the elevator together. Castiel walked into the elevator and held his briefcase tightly. 

“Good morning,” Castiel said to Dean as they stood next to each other on the elevator. 

“Mornin’,” Dean replied. He seemed nervous. “Have you thought about my offer?”

Castiel sighed. “We shouldn’t talk about this at work, but yes. I’ll be sure to text you with my answer once I have one.” He was glad that they were the only ones on the elevator. 

Dean rocked back and forth on his heels. “Gotcha.” The elevator doors opened. “There’s an end-of-quarter meeting at ten. I’m sending out the memo as soon as I get to my office.”

“I’ll be there,” Castiel answered. He walked to his office and shut the door behind himself. He opened the blinds and sat down at his desk with a sigh. He had to clear his head to focus on his job now. The meeting would be hard since he’d have to look at Dean the whole time. When the memo came in, he realized that some of upper management would be there too. That included Zachariah. He was a one-way-ticket to not thinking about anything associated with sex, so maybe his presence would be a blessing in disguise. 

Castiel started on his work and managed to clear his head of thoughts about Dean. He saw that his succulent was looking good and smiled. He liked his little plant, and he wanted to add another one. He made a promise to himself that he’d buy another plant for his office that day. He could stop by the plant nursery on his way home from work that evening. 

The meeting was at ten, so Castiel left his office after only an hour of work. The meeting was down one level and in the larger conference room. The tables sat forty people, and there was a table up front that sat another eight people. Upper management, including Dean, sat up at the front table. Castiel took a spot towards the front of the room. As a middle management position, he needed to help lead the room a little bit. 

The meeting was mostly a review of everything that needed to get done over the next week. The accountants were swamped with reports. Castiel was overseeing much of it and had reports of his own. He was proud of himself, because he managed to keep all of his thoughts about Dean at bay. He didn’t stare at him at all, and he kept his mind focused on the work at hand. 

After the meeting, Castiel returned to his office and kicked into high gear for everything he had to do. Dean sent over a few reports, which were more important than what Castiel had been doing. He put his work aside and spent the rest of the day finishing what Dean had sent him. Just before five o’clock, he sent Dean the finished reports and sighed with relief. He felt pretty accomplished for the day, a perfect reason to treat himself with a visit to the plant nursery. 

When he left his office just after five, he glanced over at Dean’s office and saw him hunched over his computer. He was probably swamped with things he had to do, so he had to stay late. Castiel got on the elevator and rode it down to the main floor. He got in his car and drove to the plant nursery. 

The nursery was a cute little place. It had a large greenhouse in the back full of different kinds of plants. Castiel wished he had the mental energy to keep more houseplants. The biggest thing he worried about was Loki. That cat chewed on everything, and he would definitely chomp on any plant that Castiel had in the home. Most of the common plants were toxic to cats, so Castiel couldn’t have them. He had to protect his little buddy first and foremost. The cat never came to the office for obvious reasons, so Castiel could have any plant he wanted in his office. 

Castiel ended up picking out a pretty marble pothos. It had green leaves with white variegation spotting the leaves. The leaves were on vines that trailed down about a foot. It would be perfect on the corner of Castiel’s desk. 

Castiel went home with his new plant and planned on sticking it in the closet for the night to keep it away from Loki. Pothos were toxic to cats, so he couldn’t leave it anywhere where the cat could find it. He locked the plant in his closet the moment he arrived at the house, closing the door so that Loki couldn’t get to it. He fed the cat, heated up another microwave dinner, and sat in front of the TV with a glass of wine. 

As he sat there, he started thinking about Dean’s offer again. He was really craving human contact, especially right then. Suddenly, all he could think about was curling up to Dean and holding him. He thought about the feeling of skin against skin, the smell of another person close to him, and the sound of a gentle hum emanating from Dean’s throat. It all sounded so wonderful. Who was Castiel to deny himself of something like that? Of course, there were a few things he knew he didn’t want. He could tell Dean about that and surely he’d oblige.

With his mind settled, he pulled out his phone to text Dean. He felt the nerves bubbling up again, but he pushed it down. Dean wanted this too, so he was just confirming his own feelings, with his conditions. 

**Castiel Novak**

_ I’ve been thinking about your offer. The answer is yes. I do have some conditions, which I would like to discuss with you. Do you want to come over to my house tomorrow after work? _

Castiel sighed and held his phone to his chest. He felt like a teenage girl asking out her crush. It was ridiculous that he felt this nervous about a casual sexual relationship, but at the same time, Dean was his ex. He had every right to feel incredibly nervous. His phone buzzed and he immediately checked it. 

**Dean Winchester**

_ Yeah I can come over. I vaguely remember where you live but I’ll need an address. I’ll come right after work if that’s alright. _

**Castiel Novak**

_ That works for me. _

Castiel sent Dean his address and took a deep breath. He finished off his wine and got up to get another glass. He was excited and terrified at the same time. Part of him wanted to call the whole thing off, but he knew that it was just the nerves talking. 

When Castiel went to bed that night, he was pretty wine-drunk, but he felt satisfied. He knew he’d be a bundle of nerves the next day, but he knew he could handle it. All this for a little physical affection. 

Castiel woke up the next morning and immediately felt a pit in his stomach. He thought about texting Dean immediately to call off everything, but he pushed that thought away. He knew he wanted this. Casual sex was easy. There were no feelings involved and he could get the want out of his system. 

When he arrived at work, he was pretty relieved to get on the elevator with a few other employees instead of Dean. He wasn’t sure that he could look at him at that moment. 

Work was hard to focus on, but it provided a needed distraction. Castiel placed his new plant on his desk and arranged the vines to hang off the side of the desk. He liked having something else to look at in his otherwise very boring office. He found himself looking at the picture frame a little more than usual. It was a picture from about eight years prior. The Novak boys had gotten together for Christmas and had a single picture taken of all of them. Michael, Gabriel, Jimmy, and Castiel all stood in front of a Christmas tree. Sometimes the picture made Castiel sad, but he tried not to think about it much. 

When the workday ended, Castiel left his office a few minutes after five. He saw that Dean’s office was empty with the lights off, meaning he had already left. Castiel knew he had to hurry back to his house to make sure that he beat Dean there. He had to feed the cat and ideally change into more comfortable clothes before Dean arrived. 

Castiel was anxious as he sat in traffic on the way home. He was pleased to see that no one was in the driveway when he arrived. He practically ran into his house to get everything done. He gave Loki his dinner, then jogged up the stairs to change. He put on an old Green Day t-shirt and some worn-in jeans before returning downstairs to wait for Dean. He thought about drinking to drown out the nerves, but he resisted the itch for alcohol. 

The doorbell rang approximately three minutes after Castiel had returned downstairs. He took a deep breath and calmed himself before answering the door. He opened it and saw Dean standing there in clothes that suited him much better than his work suit. He had on a t-shirt, a flannel, and a green utility jacket. The jacket looked vaguely familiar, so Castiel wondered if Dean had been wearing it when they met at the bar. 

“Hi.” Dean looked like he was just as nervous as Castiel. He had his hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket, and he wasn’t meeting Castiel’s eyes. 

“Hello. Come in.” Castiel opened the door fully and let Dean inside. He shut the door behind him and locked it. 

Castiel heard a meow and looked down to see Loki walking up to them. The cat walked up to Dean and rubbed against his legs, weaving back and forth. Dean chuckled and gently petted him. 

“Kinda nice to interact with a cat that doesn’t make my face itchy.” He held his fist out and smiled when Loki rubbed his head against it. “What’s its name?”

“Loki. I got a hairless cat because I have a niece who is also allergic, maybe more so than you. I wanted her to still be able to visit. He has no hair and produces less dander, so as long as she doesn’t touch her face after touching him, she’s alright.”

Dean raised his brows. “You have a niece? Which one of your brothers had a kid?”

“Claire is Jimmy’s daughter.” Castiel walked into the living room. “You can sit.”

Dean looked around the place as he sat on the couch. “This house is very...you. I like it.”

“Thanks.” Castiel sat down in his chair and placed his hands on his knees. He had no idea how to start this conversation. 

“So, um, you said you had some conditions?” Dean asked. 

“Yes, I do.” Castiel watched as Loki jumped up on the couch and curled up next to Dean. 

“Your cat likes me a lot,” Dean mused, smiling softly as he pet him.

“He’s a pretty good people reader.” Castiel watched the cat for a moment before continuing. “As I said in my text, I do want to go ahead with your offer. You’re right, we want to sleep with each other, so why don’t we? It’s just casual sex. Anyway, I do have some conditions.”

“Alright. What are they?”

“This is strictly casual sex, no feelings involved. I don’t want to talk about our feelings before or after sex. I’d probably prefer it if we kept the talking to a minimum.”

Dean nodded. “I can do that.”

“Also, I don’t want you to kiss me. I suppose I would be fine with kisses on my body, but nothing on the face. It’s too intimate for the kind of sex we are having.” Castiel finally met Dean’s eyes. “That’s about it. Anything you want to add?”

Dean met Castiel’s gaze and visibly swallowed. “Um, I don’t think so. You think we’ll make this a regular thing?”

“If it goes well, why not?”

Dean shrugged. “I guess I don’t see why not. Might be nice.” He averted his eyes again. “So, are we doing something tonight?”

Castiel felt his heart pounding in his chest. “I suppose we can. You’re already here.” He stood up and looked at Dean. “We can take this upstairs to my bedroom.”

Dean stood up, giving Loki one last pet. He nodded and took a deep breath. “Yeah, let’s do that.”

Castiel led the way up the stairs and to his room. He was glad that he had remembered to make his bed that morning. His heart was beating out of his chest, and he felt his breathing getting more shallow. He was so nervous that he thought he might explode. 

Dean took off his jacket and folded it over his arm. He looked incredibly anxious, but he was staring at Castiel, his eyes traveling over his body. His pupils were dilated, making his bright green eyes a little darker. 

Castiel took a deep breath before pulling his shirt off over his head. He might as well start getting naked. He heard a sharp intake of breath from Dean. 

“Dude, you look amazing.” Dean set his jacket down on the end of the bed and started taking his flannel off. 

“Are you really going to call me dude before we have sex?” Castiel asked. He dropped his shirt to the floor, making a mental note to pick it back up. 

“Hey, surely you remember that I call everyone that. I called you dude while we were dating.” Dean took off his own shirt and set it on the bed. 

It was Castiel’s turn to stare now. Dean looked very different from how Castiel remembered. They were both lanky teenagers the last time they saw each other naked. Now, Dean had a toned chest and soft stomach. His arms were taut with muscle, and Castiel wanted to reach out and grab them already. 

Dean walked up to Castiel before he could say anything. They were both standing there in their jeans, staring at each other. Both of them knew what they wanted, but it was hard to tell which one of them would take it first. Despite his nerves, it was Castiel who first reached out and ran a hand over Dean’s chest. Dean’s breath got caught in his throat as soon as he was touched. Castiel realized that it was probably because of his cold hands.   
“Sorry, they’ll warm up soon.”

“No, it’s alright. I never minded,” Dean’s hands fell to Castiel’s hips, running his thumbs over his hip bones. 

Castiel turned them to the side so that he could sit down on the side of the bed. He pulled Dean down into his lap, humming when Dean straddled his hips. He ran his hands down Dean’s back, all the way to his ass. He squeezed as he met Dean’s eyes again. “Am I safe in assuming that you’re going to bottom? I’m fine with bottoming if need be.”

“Yeah, I’ll bottom. Just make sure that I’ll still be able to walk normally tomorrow.”

“Is that you asking me to be gentle?” Castiel leaned in and nipped at Dean’s neck. 

“For the first time, yeah. It’s been a long time for me.” Dean chuckled. “Easy with the teeth, I’m not showing up to work with a bunch of hickeys. Anything below the collar is fine.”

Castiel nodded and pulled back. He ran his hands down to Dean’s ass again and pulled him closer. The movement made their crotches grind together, giving both of them friction through the two layers of denim between them. Castiel hummed his approval at the friction, even more pleased when Dean started moving his hips on his own. 

“Shit, Cas,” Dean breathed out. 

Castiel flinched. “New rule: don’t call me Cas. Too intimate,” he protested, brows knit together. 

“So, Castiel?”

“That’s fine.”

Dean nodded and sighed. He rested his forehead against Castiel’s shoulder.

“As much as I like this, we should get out of these pants.” Castiel thought about letting Dean stand up, but then he decided that he’d much rather do it himself. He grabbed Dean’s hips and flipped them over. They bounced on the bed, landing in the center of it. 

Dean stared up at Castiel with wide eyes. “I’m getting the feeling that you’re about to blow my mind here.”

Castiel huffed out a breath that could have been the beginnings of a laugh. He unbuttoned Dean’s pants and shoved them down along with his boxers. He saw Dean kicking the jeans off the rest of the way, so he stood up to take off his own pants. 

Dean propped himself up on his elbows and stared at Castiel while he took his jeans off. “How are you so hot?” He asked, a dumbfounded look on his face. 

Castiel started to retract a bit. The compliments were starting to backfire on him. “I haven’t been to the gym in months. I’ve been losing weight.”

“Dude, I don’t care. Just c’mere and let me touch you.” Dean sat up and grabbed Castiel’s hand, pulling him back towards the bed. Somehow, that’s what Castiel needed to get out of his own head. 

“You know, you’re not so bad yourself. You look good.” Castiel straddled Dean’s hips and took a moment to look at him. He was so attracted to him that he thought he might burst. Looking at Dean, he remembered every freckle that dotted his body. He traced his fingers over them, memories flooding back to him. 

He brought himself out of that thought and distracted himself by pinching Dean’s nipple gently. He hummed in appreciation when Dean groaned. He moved in between Dean’s legs and ran a hand over Dean’s thigh. 

Dean squirmed. “As much as I appreciate this, I’d like to get to the main event now,” he said, spreading his legs a little further. 

“Hm, you always were very impatient,” Castiel mused. “But, I will get on to the ‘main event’.” He used air quotes. 

“You did not just use air quotes during sex.”

“As far as I can see, we’re not actively having sex right now,” Castiel retorted, leaning over to his bedside table to grab lube and condoms. 

“It’s foreplay, that’s part of sex. There’s not much you could do to kill my boner but that came pretty damn close.”

“I thought I said that I wanted minimal talking.” Castiel set the lube and a condom on the bed, staring at Dean with a raised brow. 

“Fine, but you should know that you’re very bossy.”

Castiel rolled his eyes so hard that his whole head moved with it. He opened the lube and squeezed some onto his fingers. “You’re getting cold lube now.”

“Asshole,” Dean griped. He didn’t seem like he was really complaining. 

Castiel ended up warming up the lube on his fingers anyway. His own hands had warmed up a little by then, so hopefully, the prep would be a pleasant experience for Dean. 

He went slow, remembering that Dean had said that it had been a while. Come to think of it, Castiel couldn’t remember the last time he had sex. No, he could remember. It was at least five years prior, a one-night-stand with a guy. He couldn’t remember his name. Castiel thought that it was pretty sad that he had gone that long. He felt like he might be a little rusty, but at least they were taking it slow. 

Castiel teased Dean, dragging his fingers slowly over his prostate over and over again. He would have grinned, but something stopped him. He was certainly happy with what was happening, it just felt too hard to smile. 

Dean started to protest. “Castiel, I’m ready, c’mon.”

“Okay, okay.” Castiel drew his fingers out and added more lube to his cock. He shifted forwards on his knees, lining himself up. 

“Don’t be super gentle with me. I still want it to be good,” Dean said, slightly out of breath. 

“I’ll make it good,” Castiel promised. He slid in slowly, his breath hitching at the feeling. His head spun a little and he had to close his eyes. It felt like too much to look at Dean. It felt too intimate, and that scared him. This was just casual sex, no strings attached. It was supposed to be easy. 

Castiel set a slow rhythm, rocking back and forth into Dean. His hands were planted on the bed on each side of Dean, refusing to touch him now. He didn’t have to touch him during this, it didn’t have to be that intimate. This was harder than Castiel thought it would be, but god, he loved it. The sounds alone that came from Dean were music to Castiel’s ears. 

“Shit, you have no idea how many times I imagined this after seeing you again for the first time in years,” Dean muttered. 

Castiel opened his eyes and finally looked at Dean. His heart swelled when he caught Dean putting his hands back down beside his head. He must have been reaching up to touch Castiel, but stopped when he was seen. Castiel knew that he wanted Dean to touch him, but he couldn’t allow it. It was too much. 

Castiel picked up the pace a little, thrusting into Dean hard enough to make their bodies rock back and forth, but not so hard that it was rushed. It was a gradual, slow build-up that had both of them gasping. Castiel was mostly quiet, only the occasional grunt or groan emanated from him. Dean, on the other hand, was very vocal. He gripped the bedspread behind his head and moaned with abandon, voicing his pleasure clearly. 

Soon, it was building up to a climax. Castiel sped up a little more, chasing the high that they were both after. Dean had started stroking himself in time with Castiel’s thrusts, eyes squeezed shut. Castiel closed his eyes and heard Dean cry out underneath him. When Dean tightened around him, Castiel came with a low groan, his hips stuttering slightly. 

When it was over, Castiel pulled out and tied the condom off, tossing it into the trash can beside his bed. He laid down next to Dean and stared up at the ceiling, trying to catch his breath. 

“That was awesome,” Dean said in a breathy voice. “We are so doing that again.”

“Mmm, agreed.” Castiel looked over at Dean. “I know you’re clingy after sex. You can touch me.”

With that, Dean was on Castiel. He rolled over and put his head on Castiel’s chest, draping an arm over him. He sighed happily. 

For a few minutes, they just laid there. Castiel closed his eyes and felt himself relax more than he had in ages. It was a good feeling. He put an arm on Dean’s back and held him there. The skin-against-skin contact felt glorious, even if they were both a little sweaty.

“Hey, I wanted to ask you something,” Dean said. 

“Okay. What is it?” Castiel really hoped that it wasn’t something stupid or super personal. 

“Where’s Jimmy? You’ve mentioned his daughter, but where does he work? Did he end up going into business as well?”

Castiel froze. He closed his eyes and debated what to say. He could have lied, but it would have been pointless. If Dean asked Gabriel the same question, he knew that Gabriel would give him the truth. Castiel opened his eyes again. “He’s dead.”

Dean sat up a little and looked at Castiel’s face. “Wait, what?”

“He died four years ago.” Castiel felt tears welling up. It wasn’t often that he talked about his brother’s death. It was something that he had buried deep down after it happened. The only time he ever thought about it was when Claire came over. 

“I...I’m so sorry.” Dean laid his head back down on Castiel’s chest. “How did it happen? If you don’t mind me asking, of course.”

“Drug overdose.”

Dean sat up again. “Goodie-two-shoes Jimmy?”

“You’re as shocked as I was. No one knew before he died.” Castiel paused, collecting himself. “He broke his leg while skiing, and then he got hooked on the painkillers. He was buying them off people after the doctors stopped giving them to him. He overdosed six months later.”

“Oh my god.”

“Amelia moved to Minneapolis after that. They were still in Chicago when Jimmy died. Michael was too busy with work to help out a lot, so she wanted to be close to me and Gabriel.”

“Is that the same Amelia that Jimmy dated in high school?” Dean asked. 

“Yes. They got married two years after graduation and had a daughter the year after that. Claire is fourteen now.” Castiel stared at the ceiling and managed to keep his tears at bay. 

“Damn. That really sucks.” Dean laid his head back down on Castiel’s chest. “Sorry for breaking the minimal talking rule. I was just curious.”

“It’s fine.” Castiel rubbed Dean’s back and closed his eyes again. He needed a drink, badly. He wanted to wait until Dean left. 

Just as Castiel was going to ask if Dean was ready to leave, his stomach growled loudly. He had forgotten that he hadn't eaten dinner. Dean looked up at him. 

“Did you eat?”

“No.”

“Me neither.” Dean sat up and stretched his arms over his head. His back muscles looked good. “I should probably get going. I’m grabbing dinner on the way home.”

Castiel got up off the bed and started picking up his clothes. He put on his boxers and his Green Day t-shirt, not planning on wearing anything else. 

Dean looked at Castiel’s shirt with a smile. “Still embracing that punk phase you had, hm?”

“Green Day is an excellent band.”

“Do you remember when you dyed the tips of your hair blue?”

Castiel narrowed his eyes. “I try to forget.”

Dean chuckled as he put his clothes back on. “Come on, it was hot. I liked it back in the day.”

“I can’t have blue hair in a corporate job, so you’re not going to see it again.” Castiel watched as Dean got dressed. 

“I probably still have the pictures. Remember the scrapbook I made?”

“You’re breaking the minimal talking rule again.”

Dean pouted and finished putting his shoes back on. “Fine.”

Castiel led Dean back downstairs. Loki came up to Dean again and brushed up against his legs. 

Dean patted his pockets to make sure he had everything. He paused at the door and looked at Castiel. “Let’s do this again, yeah?”

Castiel nodded. “Sure. I’ll text you and you can come over.”

“Would it be easier to come to my apartment? You could walk there from work.”

Castiel thought about it. “I think it might be easier if you come here. Loki gets dinner as soon as I get home, so if I spent a few hours at your place after work, his dinner would be late.”

“Alright, I can come here then.” Dean opened the door and looked back at Castiel. “See you tomorrow.”

“See you.” Castiel waited for the door to close, then locked it. As soon as he was alone, he went straight to the fridge for his liquor to drown out everything he was thinking about. 


	8. Reflection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have noticed that this is chapter 8/25. I'm fairly confident that this story will finish at 25 chapters. I'm finishing up chapter 23 now, 24 is outlined, and I know what I'm doing with 25. I think it's a good number to leave off on. 
> 
> Also, thank you for all the feedback on the last chapter! It was lovely to get comments! I'd love to hear your feedback on this chapter too, so leave your thoughts in the comments!

####  October 31st, 2000

Dean never liked Halloween very much. Growing up on the road meant that he never got to participate in the holiday. As a kid, he thought about all of the costumes he wanted to wear, but he never got to see them through. When he lived with Bobby for a few years, he got to take Sam out trick-or-treating for the first time. Sam wasn’t super into it, but he was Dean’s excuse to get a bucket full of candy.

In 2000, Dean was going to a Halloween party. One of his older classmates invited him to the bash he was throwing at his house. Dean was excited to drag Castiel along. The whole school knew they were dating, and they had become the gay poster children for Lawrence High. Of course, whenever anyone called Dean gay, even when it was just a descriptor and not an insult, he always corrected them and said he was bisexual. He felt that he needed to represent his sexuality correctly. Not a lot of people said they were bisexual, and Dean was happy to be the representation that the sexuality needed at the time.

Being the only known gay kids at the school came with his hardships. Names were yelled at them constantly. Sometimes kids threw things at them during lunch. It always disheartened them, so they never held hands or kissed while at school. They always waited until they were outside and away from prying eyes. 

Castiel and Dean no longer walked back to Dean’s house after school. Castiel got his driver’s license in September when he turned sixteen. Castiel drove his car to school with Jimmy, then picked Dean up after school. He would take Jimmy home first, and then they would drive back to Dean’s place to hang out. Dean would get his license in January, which was exciting because John had recently said that he was passing the impala down to Dean. He already bought a new truck for himself. 

Dean waited for Castiel outside the school. It was a Tuesday, which made a party sound like a bad idea, but Dean really wanted to go. He could catch up on sleep when the weekend came. 

Castiel’s car pulled around with Jimmy in the passenger seat. Dean got into the backseat and set his backpack down. 

“Heya,” Dean said. 

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel smiled at him through the rearview mirror. “Michael needs me to pick up Gabriel today.”

“Alright.” Dean settled back in his seat and drummed his fingers against his leg. “You excited for tonight? It’s gonna be a lot of fun.”

Castiel looked a little unsure. “I guess I am.”

Jimmy looked at Castiel. “I still can’t believe that you’re going. It’s a school night.”

“I won’t stay too late. It’ll be fine,” Castiel said to get Jimmy to be quiet. Michael already knew about the party and gave Castiel a reluctant yes. 

Dean nodded. “You could come too, Jimmy. You might have fun.”

“No. I have homework and Amelia is coming over tonight to watch a movie.” Jimmy and Amelia started dating right at the beginning of their sophomore year.

“Alright, suit yourself.” Dean stayed quiet for the rest of the drive. They picked up Gabriel, then dropped him and Jimmy off at the Novak house. Dean noticed that Chuck’s car was gone, which he found odd. Chuck never left the house. Once the other Novak boys were out of the car, Castiel backed out of the driveway and started the drive back to Dean’s house. 

“So, is this a crazy party like you see in movies? If so, I’m not so sure about going.”

“I mean, not really? I highly doubt there’s going to be alcohol, if that’s what you’re wondering. I think they’re going to put on Halloween movies and there’s free food, courtesy of Gavin’s parents.” Dean wasn’t very close with Gavin, but it seemed that Gavin wanted a big crowd at this party, given that he invited Dean and said that he could bring Castiel as a plus one. 

“Okay, that sounds like something I can handle.” Castiel took a deep breath, his nervous energy filled the whole car. 

“I’m sure it is. I would have just stayed home with you if I thought that you wouldn’t have fun.” Dean leaned forward and kissed Castiel’s cheek with a smile. 

Castiel finally smiled a little. It was always an immediate reaction when he was around Dean. He just seemed so much brighter and happier. Dean felt the same way about Castiel, so being together made their souls sing sweet music. 

Castiel pulled into the driveway of his house and got out of the car. The impala was in the garage, covered up and waiting for Dean. John’s truck wasn’t there yet. He wouldn’t be off work for a couple more hours. 

Sam walked to the house by himself now. He was twelve and felt like he was old enough. Dean had insisted that he kept walking Sam home, but after they argued about it for a while, Dean relented. It was an extremely short walk, and the neighborhood was very safe. 

Castiel walked into the house with Dean. “So, are we just wearing the same things that we wore to school? Do I have to wear a costume?” He was wearing a blue sweater and dark jeans.

“It’s not a costume party, so you’re good. I’m staying in these clothes.” Dean was wearing his daily outfit, a t-shirt and a flannel with the leather jacket his dad gave him. He walked into his house and led Castiel back to his room. We have a couple of hours before the party. Wanna watch a movie?”  
Castiel nodded. “Sure.”

They set themselves up on the bed, cuddled up together while they watched The Addams Family, which was Castiel’s favorite Halloween movie. The party didn’t start for a while, so they had time to be by themselves. 

When the movie ended, it was about time for the party to start. Castiel and Dean got off the bed and straightened out their clothes. Castiel checked his pocket for his phone. Michael had recently given him his old Nokia so that if Castiel was in an accident while driving, he could call for help. 

Dean took Castiel’s hand and squeezed it. “We’re gonna have a great time, I promise. If you hate it, we’ll come back here and watch more movies. Maybe we could swing by the store and get some candy.”

Castiel smiled a bit, then started to frown. “Are you sure that the party will have people who actually like us? Most of the school hates us for being a couple.”

“It’s Gavin and his crew. They’ve always been nice to us. Gavin doesn’t care that we’re a gay couple. If people are mean, we’ll leave. Let’s just give it a try, yeah?”

Castiel sighed and nodded. “Okay, let’s try.” He seemed to shake away his nerves before following Dean out of the house and to his car. He got into the driver’s seat and turned the key. The car was old. It was Michael’s old car that he bought used when he was sixteen. Michael got a new car once Castiel was sixteen, and passed down his old car. Technically, it was Jimmy’s car too, but Jimmy got nervous when he drove and he didn’t go anywhere except school. 

Dean was buzzing with excitement, mostly for the food that he heard would be there. Apparently, Gavin’s mom was an avid baker and she was making a truckload of treats for the kids to enjoy. Dean couldn’t wait to chow down. 

Castiel parked on the road outside Gavin’s house and looked at the number of cars. It looked like there were probably ten or more people already there. He took a deep breath and got out of the car. 

Dean got out of the car and looked at Castiel. “You doing alright?”

Castiel nodded. “Yeah, I think I’m actually kind of excited.” He smiled, walking with Dean up to the front door. 

Dean reached up to knock, but then he heard ringing. He looked to the side and saw Castiel fishing his phone out of his pocket. “You good?”

Castiel looked at his phone. “It’s Michael. He’s probably just checking on me.” Castiel answered the phone with a sigh. “Hello?” 

Dean couldn’t hear what Michael was saying, but he could see Castiel’s reactions. He watched as Castiel’s face morphed from annoyed, to confused, to terrified. 

Castiel nodded quickly. “I’ll be there as fast as I can...Okay, bye.” He looked at Dean. “My dad was in an accident. He’s in the hospital. I have to go-I can take you home quickly and-”

“Cas, I can find a ride here. You go see your dad.” He hugged Castiel tightly. “It’s gonna be alright. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Castiel hugged Dean back briefly. “Okay. Thank you.” He kissed Dean’s cheek before sprinting to his car. 

Dean stood there outside of Gavin’s house and watched Castiel drive away. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed heavily, worry consuming him. He knew he should have suspected something when he saw that Chuck’s car was gone. There was a very good chance that Chuck was drunk when he was driving. Dean was pretty sure that he had never seen that man sober. 

Dean was quiet at the party. He couldn’t even enjoy the baked goods. Everyone asked where Castiel was, and all Dean said was that he had a family emergency. The night felt lonely without Castiel, and all Dean could do was hope that everything turned out alright. 

~~~

Dean’s imagination was running wild all night after he left Castiel’s apartment. He could barely focus on the food he was eating. Every time he took a bite, all he pictured was Castiel over him. He was so enamored that he was losing his mind. 

When he went to bed that night, he knew he was going to dream about Castiel. There was no question. Castiel was all he could think about. He didn’t even mind all of the thoughts. He was just happy that he finally fell into bed with Castiel. He had been thinking about it for days, and to finally have that reality felt like sweet relief. 

Of course, there were some things he wished were different about the encounter. Castiel was so insistent on keeping the intimacy level low. He didn’t even touch Dean while they were fucking. For most of it, his eyes were closed and his face was ducked away where Dean could barely see it. 

Dean wanted to see Castiel’s eyes, to watch his face. He wanted to touch him and feel every part of him. He wanted to rake his fingers through that wild sex hair and pull Castiel’s head back so that he could kiss that gorgeous neck. He could run his lips over his Adam's apple and nip at the tender skin at the junction of his neck and shoulder. 

Dean shuddered as he was trying to fall asleep. He was getting himself far too worked up. He needed to relax and sleep. For a while, he tossed and turned, but sex with Castiel was all he could think about. Maybe he was a tad bit obsessed, but who could blame him? Castiel was hot, and Dean could have him on a regular basis. 

The problem was, he wanted more. He wanted to kiss Castiel so badly that it hurt. Sex without kissing was admittedly a little awkward, but Dean was going to take what he could get just to be with Castiel. That didn’t stop him from wishing that they had more. He wanted Castiel to touch him and hold him. He wanted them to rest their foreheads together and exchange sweet kisses, holding each other tightly. That was the dream. 

Dean finally fell asleep, still thinking about Castiel. Much to his surprise, he didn’t dream about him. He was actually disappointed when he woke up and realized he didn’t get to spend time with Castiel in his dreams. 

Getting ready for work felt like a massive chore. Dean just wanted to lay in bed and daydream. God, he was so intoxicated by Castiel that it was affecting his ability to function. 

While he got ready, he reminisced about their relationship in high school. He remembered all the days they spent cuddled up on Dean’s bed, exchanging kisses and occasionally breaking out in tickle wars. Castiel usually won those. He would pin Dean to the bed and tickle him until he was laughing so hard that he cried. All of his memories about their relationship were good, right up until the end. 

Dean still hated himself for what he did to Castiel. He ruined everything, and then Castiel hated him. It was a good thing that Dean had applied to a college that was far away because he knew for sure that he couldn’t stay near Castiel. It would have been too painful to be at the same school as him, and besides, he loved the University of Texas. It ended up being perfect for him.

Dean walked into work and finally turned off his daydreaming. He had a job to focus on. The difficult part would be seeing Castiel at work. He knew he could handle it, he knew how to be professional, but turning off his imagination would be hard. 

He sat down in his office and looked around it. It was very bland. He didn’t have a lot of books or knick-knacks. He didn’t even have any pictures anywhere. He had seen Castiel’s office and knew he had plants. Maybe a plant would be nice in Dean’s office. He could get a big one and put it in the corner. The issue would be, Dean was a plant murderer. He couldn’t keep one alive to save his life. He had been gifted succulents before and all of them succumbed to his murder streak. It wasn’t intentional, he just had no idea what to do. Maybe Castiel could give him some advice. 

Dean snapped out of that line of thought and turned to his computer to work. He had a lot to do, and he had several meetings to attend. He sent out the memos for the meetings to the people who would be attending each one. He pulled out his planner and organized everything that he would do for the day. On days like that, he needed to write down a plan for everything he had to do. 

The workday ended up going very smoothly. He attended all of his meetings and kept his focus on his job. Even when Castiel spoke at a meeting, Dean kept his composure and acted like a professional around him. It helped prove to him that they could maintain a coworker relationship within the walls of Sandover even with their relationship outside. 

Dean started walking back towards his apartment after work, and all he could think about was how badly he didn’t want to cook for himself. He was low on groceries so he’d have to scrounge something together. It sounded like too much effort. He sighed and pulled out his phone, looking up nearby restaurants. He scrolled through his options and paused when he saw a cajun restaurant that was a few blocks from his apartment. He hadn’t had cajun food in a while, so he decided to walk over there. He let Google Maps direct him to his destination. 

The outside of the restaurant looked just like every other building in downtown Minneapolis, except for the big, wooden doors. They were old and they added a rustic, homely feeling to the building. Dean pulled one of the doors open and stepped inside. He was immediately met with a delectable smell that made his stomach growl. The inside of the restaurant was decorated with wooden benches and simple wooden chairs. It was charming, and Dean already knew that this would be a regular spot to visit. 

A hostess sat Dean at one of the tables in the back of the restaurant. She handed him a menu and left him to decide what he wanted to eat. Dean opened the menu and looked through his options, trying to decide what he wanted. He could go with the classic gumbo, but the shrimp etouffee was calling his name. He glanced up in time to see a man walking up to his table. 

“Hey there. What can I get started for you?” He had a darling smile and blue eyes. His dirty blonde hair was cut short, and he had a scruffy beard. There was no denying that he was attractive, and he had a sweet southern accent that made Dean think he was actually from Louisiana. 

“Hey. I’ll just start with water,” Dean answered, still a little unsure about what he wanted to eat. 

“Alright, I’ll get that right out for you.” The man grinned and left the table. 

Dean stared at the menu for a little while longer, struggling to decide. The jambalaya was advertised as the best in Minneapolis. His stomach growled in protest of his indecisiveness. 

The man returned to the table and set down a glass of water. “Need any help with the menu?”

Dean nodded. “What do you recommend? I’m stuck between a couple of things.” 

The man hummed with a grin. His gaze was heavy on Dean. “Well, our jambalaya is the best in the state. We’ve won competitions with it. It’s my mama’s recipe.”

“Oh, does your mom own this place?” Dean asked, matching the heavy eye contact. His eyes did drift a little to get a look at the rest of the man. 

“Nope, just me.” The man smiled. “Name’s Benny, and you are?”

“Dean. Nice to meet you.” Dean felt like they were flirting a little. Part of him wanted to stop it and say he was seeing someone, but that wasn’t true. Castiel was just a fuck-buddy and coworker. No strings attached. 

“Pleasure to meet you. Now, you know what you want to eat?” Benny asked with a slight tilt of his head. 

“Well, you sold me on the jambalaya.”

“Good choice. I’ll have that out for you in a bit.” He picked up the menu and left the table again. 

Dean thought about texting Castiel to see when they could meet up again. How often were they going to meet up? Would it be a weekly thing? Maybe more often than that. Dean wasn’t sure he wanted to be the one to text Castiel to meet up, but he worried that Castiel would never text him. That guy was seriously closed off, and Dean knew that he wouldn’t want to be the one to reach out. The question was, how long would Dean go before texting Castiel again? Maybe Friday. It was Wednesday, so that would give them a couple of days, and maybe they could meet up on Saturday. 

Dean ended up reading emails on his phone while he waited for his food. He wanted to take the time to enjoy eating out, but he also had to make sure that his work was taken care of. He didn’t like responding to emails on his phone, so he just flagged them to come back to later as he read them. 

Benny set a steaming hot bowl in front of Dean with a grin. “Enjoy, cher.”

Dean politely smiled back. “Thanks.” He had to google what ‘cher’ meant later. In the meantime, he dug into his food. Benny wasn’t lying, the jambalaya was amazing. The flavors were perfect. Dean knew he was going to finish the bowl. 

Sure enough, Dean was scraping the last bits out of the bowl about ten minutes later. He set down his spoon and sighed happily. He took a long sip of water and glanced up to see Benny approaching. 

“So, what did you think?” Benny asked, leaning on the empty chair next to Dean. 

“It was amazing, thanks for the recommendation.”

“Anytime.” Benny pulled a checkbook out of his apron pocket and opened it to make sure it was correct before placing it in front of Dean. 

Dean pulled out his wallet and stuck his card into the checkbook, handing it back to Benny. Their eyes met and Benny winked at him before turning to leave. Dean felt his face flush a little, and he stared at his own hands while he waited. It was nice to be flirted with, but his mind was rejecting it. He felt like it would be cheating on Castiel, even though they weren’t together. 

Benny returned and set the check on the table. “Come back anytime. Also, if you wait for about ten minutes, I’d love to grab a drink with you if you’re free. You seem like good company.”

Dean blinked in surprise, then smiled. He needed more friends. “Yeah, sounds like fun. I’ll wait here then.”

“Perfect. I’ll be back soon.” Benny winked at Dean again before disappearing into the kitchen. 

Dean signed the check and put his card back in his wallet. He opened his emails again on his phone to pass the time while he waited for Benny. 

Benny returned, now in everyday clothing. He had on a t-shirt, a deep brown jacket, and jeans. He had a grey cap on as well. “Ready?”

Dean stood up and nodded. “Yeah, I’m ready. Where are we going?”

“The bar on fifth street. You know it?” Benny led the way out of the restaurant, holding the door open for Dean. 

“I think so, yeah.” As far as Dean could remember, the bar he went to over the weekend was on fifth street. 

Benny started walking, hands in his pockets. “So, you new around here?”

“Yeah, moved in about a month ago.” 

“New job?” Benny asked. 

Dean nodded. “Yeah, at Sandover.”

“Ah, I think I know a guy who works there.” Benny hummed softly, looking around at the cars driving on the street beside them. 

They were quiet for a few minutes as they walked. Dean opened the door to the bar and held it open for Benny, following him inside. The warm atmosphere was just as welcoming as it was on Friday, and Dean looked forward to actually enjoying the bar instead of rescuing a drunk coworker, not that he regretted helping.

Benny sat down at one of the bar stools and rested his arms on the bar. “What are you drinking?”

Dean sat down next to him. “Just juice. Cranberry is my favorite.” Here came the question about his abstinence from alcohol. 

“Alright. Sounds good.” The question never came. 

Dean breathed a small sigh of relief and smiled. “So, do you take all of your customers out for a drink?”

Benny chuckled heartily, a deep sound that rumbled from his chest. “No, I just thought you seemed like good company. I’m always in need of more friends.”

“Same here. I’ve been here a month and I barely have one friend. I’m not even sure if he counts,” Dean huffed. Castiel didn’t want to be friends, so surely he didn’t count.

“What, is he super annoying or something?” Benny asked. 

“No, he’s fine. If things were different, we’d probably be really good friends, if not more. Too much bad blood.”

“I get you. But, I need to hear this story now, because it sounds juicy. What happened between you two?” Benny ordered a beer for himself. 

Dean ordered his cranberry juice and turned back to Benny. “It’s not really that interesting.”

“Oh, come on. If it’s really that bad, I won’t push for it, but I’m sure it’s interesting.”

Dean sighed softly. “Okay, he’s my ex. We dated in high school for just over three years, then we broke up. It was a really nasty break-up. Now I’m his boss. Obviously, he doesn’t want much to do with me, but we’ve hung out outside of work.”

Benny narrowed his eyes. “You’re not screwing him, are you?”

Dean’s face flushed. “Uhhh...no?”

“Oh my god. Dean, buddy, why the hell did you think that was a good idea? Doing anything with an ex is a terrible idea.” Benny sipped his beer. 

Dean sighed and shrugged. “I don’t know. It just happened. It’s just casual, meaningless sex. We’ve handled it well, I think. Nothing has changed at work, so it’s not awkward.”

“Well, at least you’ve got that going for you.” Benny shook his head with a smile. “I knew you’d be fun to talk to. You seem like you’re full of interesting stories.”

“What about you? You don’t sound like you’re from here.”

Benny shook his head. “Moved up here from New Orleans five years ago. It’s nice to be out of the way of the flooding and hurricanes, but man does the cold suck. Don’t get me wrong, I like where I am now, but I miss the heat.”

“Tell me about it. I moved here from Texas. I loved the warm weather. The only reason I left it was for a better job.” Dean sipped his juice and leaned his elbow on the bar. 

“What part of Texas?”

“Austin.”

“Ah, never been there. I’ve been to Houston and the Dallas/Fort Worth area. I always heard good things about Austin, though.”

“It’s nice. I lived there for about nearly seventeen years before moving here.”

Benny and Dean started discussing where they were from. Dean mostly talked about his college and young adult life in Austin, avoiding some of the personal details that you wouldn’t share with someone when you met them for the first time. Benny shared a bunch of stories about life in New Orleans, which Dean found fascinating. He really liked Benny. 

Once their drinks were gone and it was starting to get late, they exchanged numbers and parted ways. Benny promised to stay in touch with Dean and made him promise to come back to the restaurant. 

Dean was smiling as he walked back to his apartment, pleased with his decision to get cajun food that night. He felt a renewed sense of happiness about his move to Minneapolis. With a new friend, things wouldn’t be quite as lonely. 

He did wonder about what Benny said about Castiel. Was it really that terrible of an idea? Maybe it was. It was a little inappropriate given that they were coworkers, so there was that. Dean brushed those thoughts away. He was doing something that gave him pleasure, and so far there were no consequences. They were still professional at work, so nothing had changed there. There was the question of feelings developing, but Dean was shoving that away in a locked box inside his brain. He didn’t have feelings for Castiel, and he never would. 


	9. Finding the Problem

Castiel was terrified that Dean was going to be unprofessional around him now that they were fuck-buddies. After the unprofessionalism he saw from him the first day they worked together, Castiel imagined that it would be much worse after having sex. 

To his surprise, everything was fine. Dean was perfectly professional all day. Castiel knew that he would have no trouble being professional himself, so everything was picture-perfect. Castiel felt confident that they would be able to maintain a professional relationship while in the office as well as a sexual relationship outside of the office. 

Castiel went home that day and felt more tired than usual. He thought about having an early night. He could drink himself to sleep like he did just about every night. As he fed Loki, his phone buzzed. He looked at it and immediately knew that his idea about drinking himself to sleep had to be put on hold. 

**Amelia Novak**

_ Could Claire stay with you for a couple of days? _

Castiel sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He knew Amelia wasn’t dealing with Jimmy’s death very well. She frequently went out of town for a few days at a time to get away. She’d go and visit Jimmy’s gravesite in Kansas or go on a girl’s trip with a few friends. Claire was too young to stay by herself for days at a time, so she usually stayed with Castiel. Gabriel worked long hours at the bakery and didn’t have as much room, so Castiel was usually the one to take her in. 

Castiel confirmed that Claire could come to stay with him and looked around his house. He kept everything pretty clean, so there wasn’t much to do to prepare for her arrival. Castiel decided that it was cold inside, so he put a sweater on Loki. He decided to wait until Claire arrived and see if she wanted to order in food.

Twenty minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Castiel answered the door and smiled warmly at the girl standing there. 

“Hey, Uncle Castiel.” Claire stared at her own feet, clearly upset about the events that led her there. 

“Hello, Claire. Come on in. I’ll get your bag.” Castiel took the duffle bag that Claire was carrying and brought it inside. He closed and locked the door. “Have you had dinner?”

Claire took off her coat and hung it on the rack. She shook her head and plopped down on the couch, nose buried in her phone. 

Castiel set her bag by the guest room door and walked to the living space. He sat down in his chair. “How does pizza sound?”

“Fine,” Claire answered. 

Castiel knew that she took a while to open up. They were actually pretty close, but he knew that sometimes it was really hard for Claire to be around him. He was her dad’s identical twin, so for Claire, being around Castiel was like being around her fake dad. It was harder when Amelia would dump her with Castiel from time to time. She felt rejected by her mom. 

Castiel ordered a large cheese pizza on his phone and picked up the TV remote. “I’m going to turn on House if you want to watch.” House was their shared favorite show. They had probably watched the whole series twice through.   
Claire glanced up from her phone and looked at the TV. She put the phone down and turned to lean back against the arm of the sofa. She seemed to relax a little more. 

After a few years of being around her, Castiel knew how Claire ticked. She always came in a little grumpy. Who could blame her? She wouldn’t talk much and she’d scroll through her phone a lot. Once she was there for a while, she’d start to open up a little. Sometimes Castiel had to be her shoulder to cry on. 

After an episode and a half of House, the doorbell rang, and Castiel answered it. He tipped the pizza delivery guy and brought the box to the coffee table. He didn’t speak, giving Claire the space she needed right then. 

Claire picked up a slice of pizza and took a large bite out of it, clearly hungry. “My mom is going to New York with her friend. It’s not even a business trip, she just wanted to leave.”

“We both know that’s what she does when she’s having a hard time. She just needs a change of scenery.”

“Yeah, but she doesn’t even care to bring her daughter. Not that I even want to go, but she just dumps me here and leaves to go have fun.” Claire huffed. “Not that you’re not fun. It just sucks.”

“I know. I wish it were different.” Castiel ate his pizza. “If there’s anything you want to do while you’re here, let me know. We can go to the lake.”

“It’s getting too cold to walk around the lake.”

“Hm, you’re right. It’s going to be a cold winter, I can already tell. I don’t know if my garden will make it another week for harvest.” Castiel glanced at his back door. 

“I still don’t know how you keep that stuff alive. My mom kills every houseplant she buys. She even killed that succulent you gave her for her birthday.”

“Succulents are harder than they look. They are easy to overwater and they need lots of light. The succulent in my office is a spoiled brat, as you know. I bought a grow light for it.” Castiel picked up another slice of pizza. 

Claire chuckled. “Did you ever add another plant to your office? You talked about that last time.”

“I did, actually. You’ll get to see it tomorrow.” Claire had a friend whose mom would drop her off at Sandover after school when she was staying with Castiel. 

“Nice.” Claire lounged back on the couch and watched the TV. Loki hopped up on the couch and sat in her lap. She ran her fingers over the sweater he was wearing. “Is this a new sweater?”

Castiel shook his head. “I haven’t crocheted in months. I should pick it back up.” He swallowed, glancing towards his liquor cabinet. He knew he couldn’t drink, not until Claire was asleep. There was an itch deep within him. He felt the anxiety building around it, and he knew the only way to stop it was to drink. He rubbed a hand over his face and calmed himself back down. The itch was still there, but he was ignoring it. 

For the rest of the evening, Castiel and Claire binge-watched multiple episodes of House. At nine-thirty, Claire got up off the couch. 

“I’m going to go shower and lay down. See you in the morning.”

“Goodnight, Claire. Come get me if you need anything.” Castiel watched her walk to the guest bedroom and close the door. 

As soon as she was gone, Castiel was out of his chair. He grabbed a bottle of wine from his kitchen and took it upstairs to drink in the comfort of his bedroom. He changed out of his work clothes into a t-shirt and pajama pants before making his way to his bed. The bottle of wine had a screw-on cap, so he was able to pop it open without a corkscrew. He told himself that he wasn’t going to drink much, just enough to calm back down. 

As he sat there and drank straight from the bottle, he started to think about the conversation he had with Meg when they ate lunch together a while back. She really wanted him to get help. The thing was, Castiel didn’t have an actual problem, right? There was nothing wrong with wanting a drink to unwind at night. 

The more Castiel thought about it, the more it scared him. He knew what alcoholism did to a person. He watched it eat away at his father for years. He didn’t even know where the man was anymore. He fucked off after all the kids graduated from high school and went on a bender. For all Castiel knew, Chuck could be dead. He didn’t even care to find out. Chuck never did anything for him. All he did was sit at that desk and drink his life away. 

Castiel wasn’t anything like Chuck. He held an actual job, and he didn’t day drink, at least, not on weekdays. He did day drink most weekends, but that was just his way of unwinding, right? He had justified his behavior in every possible way in his head. Even what he was doing right then felt justified. There he was, hiding in his room and downing a bottle of wine by himself, hoping that his niece wouldn’t come upstairs to see him. 

Castiel started to feel the shame creeping in. Deep down, he knew this was wrong. He knew that he couldn’t justify what he was doing, especially right then. His niece was there, he should be able to abstain for a few days, but he couldn’t. The itch always came back and flooded him with anxiety that was only quelled by alcohol. 

Castiel cried himself to sleep, an empty wine bottle laying beside him. 

The next morning, Castiel woke up to the sound of his alarm. It went off earlier than usual, because he had to leave earlier to drop Claire off at school before he went into work. He got out of bed and stretched, ignoring his pounding headache. He picked up the empty wine bottle and dropped it into his bedroom trash can. When he looked at it, guilt and shame took over his body. He had to shake his head to get rid of those thoughts so that he could function. 

He showered and got dressed for work, walking downstairs to find breakfast for himself and Claire. He didn’t have much, but he always kept packages of oatmeal in the cupboard for Claire. The apple cinnamon flavor was her favorite. 

The guest room door opened and Claire emerged. She was dressed and ready to go. She was a pretty self-sufficient teenager. She set her own alarms and got herself ready without instruction whenever she came over to Castiel’s. 

“Good morning.” Castiel put Loki’s breakfast down on his food mat. 

“Morning. Do you have oatmeal?” Claire asked, walking into the kitchen. She saw the box of packets already sitting out for her and hummed, grabbing a packet. 

“Anything exciting going on at school today?” Castiel asked, walking to the coffee maker. 

“Not really. Just the usual I guess.” Claire put a mug of water in the microwave and waited. “Anything exciting happening at work?”

Castiel watched his coffee brew. “Hm, I have a new boss now. He’s much better than my old boss already.” 

“Will he mind if I’m at the office? I can always ask Jody to bring me here instead.”

“I don’t think he’ll mind at all. The neighborhood is perfectly safe but I hate for you to spend several hours by yourself here.” Castiel knew that Claire was old enough now to stay home alone for a few hours while he was still at work, but he felt incredibly protective over her, and he’d rather be there with her as much as possible.

“Okay.” Claire poured the water into her bowl of oatmeal and stirred it up. 

Castiel leaned against the counter as he drank his coffee. He rubbed his head to soothe his headache, reminding himself to take some ibuprofen that he kept in his office once he was there. 

Once Claire was done with her breakfast, Castiel grabbed a granola bar from the cabinet and stuck it in his coat pocket, leading the way out to the car. He cranked the car and turned on the seat warmers for both himself and Claire. Once Claire was in her seat, Castiel pulled out of the driveway and began the drive to Claire’s school. 

The high school was just outside of the city, close to the suburbs. It was close to where Amelia and Claire lived. The school was massive, as it accommodated students from the city and surrounding suburbs. 

Castiel drove up to the front of the building right on time at eight-twenty-five. Class started at eight-thirty.

Claire picked up her backpack. “See ya.” She opened the car door and got out, walking into the school. 

Castiel watched her go in before driving off. The drive to Sandover from the school took about thirty minutes in rush hour traffic, so he’d be right on time for work. 

The weather was a little warmer that day. Castiel didn’t shiver as he got out of his car and walked through the parking garage. He blamed it on global warming and continued into the building. 

He stepped into the elevator and looked up as Dean joined him. “Good morning.”

“Morning.” Dean hit the button for the twenty-fourth floor.

Castiel stayed silent after the greeting. He was tired and his head hurt. He just wanted to get to work to make it through the day.

“Are you free tomorrow night?” Dean asked, turning his head to look at Castiel hopefully. 

“I’m not, sorry.”

“Oh, okay.” 

Castiel sighed and stepped off the elevator once the doors opened. He made a beeline for his office and practically threw himself into his chair. He opened the blinds and rubbed his eyes. Maybe he should have mentioned to Dean that Claire was coming later in the day. Oh well. He opened his drawer and immediately took a dose of ibuprofen for his headache. 

Staring at the computer made his eyes strain, but he pushed through. He had a lot to get done that day, and he didn’t want to have to work a lot at home with Claire around. 

The hours passed slowly. Castiel worked through lunch, only drinking coffee from the break room. He was in and out of the breakroom quickly, his hatred of that room still running deep. 

When it got close to four o’clock, there was a small knock on Castiel’s office door. 

“Come in.”

The door opened and Claire walked into the office, backpack slung over her shoulder. 

“Hey.” She sat down in the chair in front of Castiel’s desk. “I have a ton of homework.”

“Well, you know this is a nice, quiet space to work on it. I saw bagels in the breakroom earlier if you want to go grab one.” Castiel kept most of his attention on his computer, pushing through the amount of work he had. 

“I’m good.” Claire opened her backpack and pulled out a large binder. She set it on Castiel’s desk and started working on her homework. 

Castiel and Claire worked silently, both nose-deep in work. Time ticked idly by in silence. Claire occasionally huffed and erased something. 

There was a knock on Castiel’s office door at four forty-five. Castiel looked up from his computer and sat up a bit, stretching out his back. “Come in.”

The door opened and Dean poked his head in. “Hey, I was looking-oh. Hi.” He was looking at Claire. “Are you Jimmy’s daughter?”

Claire looked at Dean and glared a little. “Who are you?”

Castiel sighed. “Claire, this is my boss. We went to high school together, so he knew your dad.”

Claire’s glare softened. “Oh. Okay.” She turned back to her homework.

Dean looked at Castiel. “I was just going to ask about how the end-of-quarter stuff was going along. It all has to be in by tomorrow.”

“It’s going. It’ll be in on time. The whole team is on time.” Castiel glanced at his computer. He was going to have to work at home for at least two hours that night to stay on time. 

“Okay, good. Have a good night.” He gave a small smile before leaving Castiel’s office and closing the door. 

Claire looked up at Castiel. “Your new boss went to highschool with you?”

“Yes, he did. Both of us grew up in Lawrence.”

“Were you friends? Was he friends with my dad?” Claire asked. 

“We were close. He visited my childhood home often, so he knows all of your uncles.”

Claire stared at Castiel, narrowing her eyes. “Why did your friendship end?”

“He went to college in Texas, I moved to Chicago. We grew apart from the distance.”

“If I ask Uncle Gabriel about him, what will he say?” Claire was onto Castiel, much to his dismay. 

“He’ll probably say that he doesn’t like him very much. We had a...falling out.”

“What happened?”

“He was a jerk, I yelled at him and told him to never speak to me again, and we didn’t speak until he became my boss.”

“You’re being incredibly vague.” Claire started working on her homework again. “Why don’t you want me to know about him?”

Castiel sighed. “It’s just...very personal. It’s far in the past now. We’re just coworkers now, and there’s no bad blood.”

“Exactly how close were you two? Best friends? More than that?” Claire raised a brow. 

Castiel met Claire’s eyes and knew that she would see straight through him if he lied. “We dated for three years and had a nasty breakup.”

“I knew it! You were talking about him weirdly. Why did you break up?”

“As I said, we had a falling out and he was a jerk. It wouldn’t have lasted anyway, he moved to Texas and I moved to Chicago. It’s too far. Maybe we could have made long-distance work, Skype started to become a thing right after we broke up, but long-distance is hard, especially since I never would have been able to afford a plane ticket to go see him, and the gas would be too expensive too. The break up was inevitable.”

“Yeah, maybe.” She paused. “Would you ever date him again?”

Castiel frowned. “No. I know you want me back in the dating realm, but no. Anyone but him.”

“I could make a dating profile for you! It would be so much fun. You’d have to actually take pictures of yourself, though.”

“I don’t need a dating profile. I’m perfectly happy on my own. I have my friends, my brothers, and you. I don’t need anyone else.”

Claire pouted. “You don’t even have to date anyone seriously! You could just go on a date for fun. Maybe you’d make a new friend.”

“Maybe, but I don’t want to. Sorry to disappoint.” Castiel looked at the time. “It’s about time to head home. Let me finish this email and we can go get dinner.” 

“Okay.” Claire started packing up her homework, sliding all of her books back into her backpack. She looked disappointed, but Castiel knew that it was for the best that he stayed out of the dating pool. 

Once his email was finished, Castiel packed up his things and put his coat on. “Do you want to get wings for dinner?”

Claire grinned. “Yes.” There was a wing spot just outside of town, near Castiel’s house, that they loved to eat at. The wings were just the right amount of spicy and Castiel and Claire went to town on them. 

Castiel led the way out of the office and to his car. He got into the driver’s seat and turned on the seat warmers once the car was running. 

“I think you’re smart not to go back to your ex, especially if he was a jerk. I only suggested it because you seemed like you wanted to be close to him again with the way you were talking about what happened. You sounded sad when you said that you were just coworkers, like you wanted something more.”

Castiel looked at Claire and blinked in surprise. She had inherited the Novak people-reading skills for sure. All of the Novak brothers were good people readers. “I guess it just makes me sad, because I wish things had ended amicably. I wish I could say that we were still friends, because we got along really well. But, it’s not like that. There’s no bad blood, but I don’t have any interest in being friends or more with him. We have too much history.”

“I get that.” Claire pulled out her phone, scrolling through some social media app that Castiel didn’t even recognize. He felt no need to be familiar with social media. 

He hadn’t been active on social media in years. He made a Facebook profile in his twenties, but he rarely used it. He hadn’t updated his profile picture in maybe five years. He thought about changing it, then decided against it. He knew he didn’t look as good as he used to, and he didn’t want anyone to see it. 

Castiel parked the car in front of the restaurant and led Claire inside. They ordered a plate of twenty hot wings, eagerly awaiting their dinner. Claire was on the edge of her seat. She talked Castiel’s ear off about TikToks that she had seen. Castiel pretended to know what that was. He was pretty sure it was a video app, from what Claire was saying.

The wings arrived at the table, and both of them dug in. Castiel had napkins at the ready for his soon-to-be messy hands.

As he ate, he was actually smiling. It was a rare occurrence nowadays. He smiled at his cat sometimes, and sometimes Gabriel made him laugh. Other than that, he didn’t smile or laugh much. That changed when he was around Claire. He felt the need to be happy around her. She needed someone to be happy with. Claire was a good kid, and Castiel wanted the best for her. When she was around, he found that he was happier himself. Maybe it was because that’s what he was supposed to do, but it still counted, right?

Claire took a sip of water. “Is it just me or are these spicier than usual?”

“Hm, they don’t taste different to me. Do you want to order some medium wings instead?”

“No, I’ve got this.” Claire had a determined look on her face as she ate. 

Castiel smiled a little at her and continued eating. He finished off his half of the wings and wiped his hands clean on a napkin. He used one of the wet wipes provided to clean his hands completely. He watched Claire finish her last wing, and she cleaned her hands as well. 

They left the restaurant full and happy, already talking about what movie they wanted to watch that night. Castiel had to work through the movie, but he promised to at least be present. 

~~~

####  **January 27th, 2001**

It was Castiel and Dean’s one year anniversary. Usually, they would be on a date together, celebrating the day and spending time together. Unfortunately, something else was happening that day. CPS had gotten involved with the Novak family. After Chuck crashed his car while driving drunk, red flags went up. Michael had tried to convince the social worker at the hospital that everything was fine, but it was to no avail. 

CPS visited the Novak home for the first time shortly after the car crash. Michael had busted his ass and cleaned the place from top to bottom. For one single day, Chuck was sober. He hid his alcohol and cleaned himself up a little. All of the kids were interviewed and asked about their home life. Terrified of being taken away, they lied. Michael promised them that as soon as he had the money, he was moving them out of that house and into a place away from Chuck. 

By some miracle, CPS decided that the Novak children were safe in that home. They had to do a follow-up visit in a few months, but for the time being, they were to stay put. 

Castiel and Dean’s anniversary was the follow-up day for CPS. Castiel had to be home, and he needed to be there to help clean up. He was terrified, because Chuck was reluctant to stop drinking that morning. It took ten minutes of Michael arguing with him to convince him to stay sober for a few hours. Chuck locked himself in his bedroom and refused to help clean the house. 

As Castiel was cleaning the living room, he had two hours until CPS would arrive. There were bottles everywhere and the carpets desperately needed vacuuming. As Castiel was bagging up bottles, the doorbell rang. His heart jumped into his throat. There was no way that CPS would be that early. He kicked the trash behind the couch and wiped the sweat from his brow before walking up to the door. He opened it with a fake smile, then sagged in relief. 

“Dean, what are you doing here? You scared me.” Castiel opened the door fully. 

“You said the house was a mess. I’m here to help clean.” Dean walked inside and took his hands out of his jacket pockets. 

Castiel closed the door and smiled a bit. “Thank you. We could use the help. Gabriel has homework that he has to do so we’re down one person. Michael just managed to get into the master bedroom and he’s cleaning around Chuck.” It had been a few years since Castiel had called Chuck ‘dad’. “Jimmy is working on the kitchen. There’s a lot of old food. I’ve been tackling the living room.” 

Dean followed Castiel into the living room. “Looks like you’ve made some progress.” He picked up a trash bag and started working. 

Castiel started cleaning again. He didn’t think that this was how they would spend their anniversary, but things couldn’t always be perfect. 

Castiel and Dean picked up all of the trash, vacuumed the entire house, wiped down all of the surfaces, and tried to make the house look normal. When they finished, there were only ten minutes left until the CPS agent was due to arrive. Jimmy put on nice clothes and made sure the bedrooms looked lived in. Chuck was still in the master bedroom, but Michael had made him promise to come out. 

Dean looked around the house. “I guess I should get out of here. Good luck.”

“Thank you for coming.” Castiel hugged Dean tightly. 

“Hey, only two more months before Michael moves you guys out of here. You’ll make it through this follow-up visit and then it’ll be over soon.”

“I know.” Castiel sighed and let go of Dean, leading him to the front door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See ya. Hey, I love you.” The words weren’t entirely new. They had exchanged them for the first time about a week ago. They were just new enough that every time they said them, it felt like a fireworks show. 

“I love you too.” Castiel leaned up and kissed Dean before waving goodbye. He watched him leave in the impala before closing the door. 

Chuck finally emerged from the bedroom once the doorbell rang. He looked tired, but he had a fake smile on. Castiel was terrified for how this was going to go, but all he could do was tell them that everything was great in their home. 

The lady who came in was strict. She wasn’t pleased by the lack of fruits and vegetables in the fridge, but Chuck excused that by saying he needed to go grocery shopping and told her that they had been going out to eat. The lady searched the entire house, looking for anything that was out of place. She seemed pleased with the clean house. Next came the solo interviews. 

She spoke to Michael first, then Jimmy, then Gabriel, and finally, Castiel. He was scared, but he knew exactly what to say. The brothers had a discussion the night before and had rehearsed what they were going to say. Their fear of being separated in foster care ran deep, so they were all willing to lie to save themselves. With Michael moving them into an apartment in a few months, they knew that their life with their dad was ending soon. 

The visit ended, and the lady seemed pleased with what she had seen. She gave them the clean bill of health for the home and bid them a good day.

Castiel laid in bed that night staring at the ceiling. It felt impossible to sleep after something so stressful, but he managed with the hope that things would be better soon.


	10. Pining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a doozy, just a heads up. It's probably one of my favorites in this story. 
> 
> As for an update on my end, as I'm writing this, I'm a few hundred words away from finishing the last chapter! I'm hoping to be finished very soon! That'll leave me with just a few chapters to edit and this story will continue to update regularly until it's finished!
> 
> If you've read this far, thank you! Thanks for sticking by one of the hardest fics I've ever written.

Dean wasn’t sure what to do with himself all weekend. The end of the quarter was over, everything was submitted. He didn’t have much work to do, so he was free to do as he pleased. He wished that he could text Castiel, but he was pretty sure that his niece was with him, so that was off the table. 

He went to the park on Saturday. It was a crisp thirty-five degrees outside, so he had to wear several layers to stay warm. He walked around the park and saw some fall decorations that were still up. It was November, so it was technically still fall, even though it felt more like winter. Pumpkins sat in front of the gates that led to a trail to walk on. Dean was getting too cold, so he walked back to his car so he could head back home. 

November meant that the holidays were coming up. Dean had already made plans to fly to Sioux Falls to see Sam, Bobby, and John for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Dean also had to fly to Austin around Christmas time to meet with some people there. It would be a good holiday. 

Dean wondered what Castiel did over the holidays. Did the Novak brothers meet up? They were always very close, so Dean imagined that they did, even though Jimmy was gone. Dean still couldn’t believe that. He knew Jimmy for years, and he never imagined that anything like that would happen to him. It seemed unreal, like a dream. 

Dean was hungry for something sweet as he drove back to his apartment. He decided to stop by Gabriel’s bakery again. He parked on the street and pulled his leather jacket closed around himself as he walked through the wind to get into the bakery.

The little bell rang when Dean walked in and he took a deep breath through his nose to smell the goodies. The bakery smelled divine, and Dean couldn’t wait to see what kind of pie they had that day. 

“Hey look, it’s your boss,” a young female voice said. 

Dean turned and looked at the table to his left. He saw Castiel, Gabriel, and Claire sitting together at the table. 

“Oh. Hello, Dean.” Castiel looked unamused, but not unhappy to see Dean. Gabriel, on the other hand, looked annoyed. His face quickly shifted to a customer service smile. 

“Good afternoon. Back for pie?” Gabriel asked. 

Dean nodded. “Yeah.” He felt a little awkward about interrupting a family meeting of some sort. He saw that there was an employee behind the counter and continued to it to order his treat. 

He paid for his pie and started walking out of the bakery to go home. He didn’t want to bother the Novaks any further. As he passed the table, he stopped when he heard a voice. 

“What was my uncle like in high school?” Claire asked, leaning her elbows on the table. 

Dean stopped and paused. He saw that Castiel looked embarrassed, and Gabriel wasn’t even looking at Dean. “Um, he was nice.”

Claire rolled her eyes. “You can do better than that.”

Castiel sighed. “Maybe we should leave him alone.”

Dean shrugged. “I don’t mind.” He had no idea how much Claire knew about his history with Castiel, so he had to keep it vague. “He was fun. He liked video games and music a lot. We had really different music tastes, but it was still fun to listen to his stuff. He was wicked smart. He made all A’s.”

Claire nodded slowly. “Is it true that he had blue hair? Gabriel mentioned it once and Castiel says it’s not true.”

Castiel covered his face with a hand. “Claire…”

Dean swallowed. “Uhhh, yeah? It wasn’t for very long, maybe about a year. He dyed it at the end of our sophomore year and dyed it back dark brown at the end of our junior year.”

“He wore eyeliner too, he went all out,” Gabriel chimed in with a grin. 

Castiel groaned. “I hate both of you.”

Claire beamed. “You should have told me! You must have been so cool!”

“I was very uncool. People made fun of me constantly.” Castiel uncovered his face, glaring slightly at both Dean and Gabriel. 

Dean smiled a bit. “I thought it was cool.”

Claire grinned. “That’s cute. I bet you two were a good couple.”

Dean’s face went bright red and he laughed awkwardly. 

Castiel covered his face again. “You’re making me regret telling you about this.”

Claire giggled. “Don’t regret it. This is fun.” She looked up at Dean. “You were a good couple, right? You dated for three years.”

Before Dean could answer, Gabriel cut in. “They  _ were _ a good couple.” He looked right at Dean. “Until someone made a ‘mistake’.” He made air-quotes. 

Dean swallowed. “I should get going. Good to see you.” He turned quickly and started to leave the bakery. He could hear Castiel behind him. 

“You’re going to lose him as a customer if you keep acting like that around him.”

Dean left the bakery as quickly as possible and walked to his car. He knew that he probably shouldn’t return to that particular bakery, given how much Gabriel hated him, but the pie was too damn good to give up. He sat in his car and laid his head on the steering wheel for a minute to recuperate from that conversation.

He drove home and parked in his apartment building’s parking deck. He carried his pie inside to his apartment and sat down on the couch to eat it. It was apple pie, one of his favorites. He knew it was going to be good just by looking at it. 

The pie was just as delicious as Dean hoped it would be. He finished it in record time and tossed the takeout box into the trash. 

Dean spent the rest of the weekend in his apartment, save for his trip to the grocery store on Sunday. He answered emails, watched TV, and had a long phone call with Sam. It was a good weekend overall.

On Monday, Dean walked into Sandover a little more tired than usual. He stayed up a little later than he normally did to watch a movie. All he needed was some coffee, so he looked forward to making it into the breakroom. 

He stepped onto the elevator and made eye contact with Castiel. He turned his gaze away almost immediately, still embarrassed by their meeting at the bakery. 

“Good morning,” Castiel said. 

“Morning,” Dean replied. There was silence for a few seconds as the elevator started moving up. 

“I’m free tonight.” 

Dean looked at Castiel, surprised that he was initiating. “Oh, me too.”

“Eat dinner before you come this time so that I have time to eat too. I think we’ll feel better if we eat beforehand.”

“Yeah, will do.” Dean swallowed his excitement. Despite the encounter at the bakery, he was eager to go back over to Castiel’s house. 

The elevator doors opened and Castiel left first, walking to his office. Dean left the elevator and went to the breakroom for coffee first. 

All day, Dean was buzzing with excitement. Images of their first time together last week kept popping into his head as he worked. He had to shake those images away to keep focusing on his work. He hunkered down and kept his focus during his meetings and calls, along with several hours of working on his computer. 

Dean took Castiel’s advice when he left the office. He stopped by a restaurant that was in between Sandover and his apartment and picked up soup and a sandwich for himself. He brought it back to his apartment and sat down on his couch to eat. As excited as he was, he took his time. Castiel said that he needed time to eat, so Dean had to give him that. He didn’t want to arrive in the middle of Castiel’s dinner. 

Dean waited for an extra ten minutes before finally walking out to his car. He had changed into his normal clothes, which included a lot of layers. He knew that they would be a pain in the bedroom, but it was just how he dressed. 

He put Castiel’s address in his GPS, still learning the route. He hoped that one day he’d have the route memorized so that his music wouldn’t be interrupted by his GPS during the drive. He cursed traffic for making the drive longer than he wanted it to be. 

When he finally parked in Castiel’s driveway, his whole body was buzzing like a livewire with excitement. He pulled his jacket close around his body to hide from the wind as he walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. He looked around at the neighborhood. The houses sat in neat rows, all different shades of brown bricks. They were all shaped the same, which provided a strange uniformity. All of the lawns had dead grass and some had half-dead shrubbery that surely wouldn’t survive the winter. Most of the houses had some sort of fall decoration on them. Some had orange and yellow wreaths, others had pumpkins or scarecrows on the front porch. 

The front door opened and Castiel ushered Dean inside, a wine glass in hand. He closed the door behind Dean. “The coat rack is behind you.”

Dean took off his leather jacket and hung it on the rack. He looked down and saw Loki running up to him. He squatted down and gently stroked the cat. The odd feeling of a hairless cat against his palm only put him off slightly. It was nice to be around a cat and not sneeze. 

“Given that it took you longer to get here, I’ll assume that you’ve eaten. I don’t have food to give you if you haven’t.” Castiel sipped his wine. 

Dean eyed the wine glass. “I have.” He stood up. “You’re not drunk, are you?”

Castiel gave Dean an exasperated look. “It’s just a glass of wine after dinner. No, I’m not drunk.”

“Okay, just asking. I would be pretty uncomfortable about having sex with you if you were drunk during it.”

“Trust me, I’m not. I’m not an alcoholic.” Castiel finished off his wine and set the glass down on the table beside his chair. “I do want to apologize about our encounter at the bakery on Saturday. Claire pries, and she had me figured out when she asked me about you, that’s why she knows a little bit about our history.”

“It’s fine. You two seem close.”

Castiel nodded and glanced at a picture on a shelf. “We are.”

Dean followed his gaze and saw a picture of a woman, Claire, and Jimmy. It looked like an old picture because Claire was much younger than she was when Dean saw her. 

“Now, let’s go back to our minimal talking rule and go upstairs, shall we?” Castiel started walking up the stairs, a somewhat blank expression on his face. 

Dean toed off his shoes and left them at the bottom of the stairs before following Castiel up. He kept his mouth shut to follow the minimal talking rule. He didn’t like that rule very much, but he abided by it to make Castiel happy. His heart was beating out of his chest, and he was pretty blatantly staring at Castiel’s ass. 

Castiel stopped beside the bed and started to pull his shirt off.

“Wait,” Dean interjected, making Castiel pause. “Can I?”

Castiel stared at Dean for a moment before letting go of the hem of his shirt. “Sure.”

Dean stepped forward and swallowed as he started removing Castiel’s shirt. His eyes traveled over the skin being exposed. When he met Castiel’s eyes, he couldn’t deny how badly he wanted to kiss him. It had been so long, but he still remembered what Castiel’s lips felt like. He remembered what it was like to kiss and hold him, to touch and feel him. 

Instead of kissing his lips, he leaned in and kissed his neck. He felt Castiel’s hands pushing off his second layer, a green button-up long sleeve that was left unbuttoned. He moved his arms to let the shirt fall to the floor. 

Castiel tilted his head to the side, giving Dean access to his neck and shoulder to kiss. He ran his hands under Dean’s shirt, feeling his chest before grabbing the hem of the shirt and pulling it up. 

Dean pulled back and put his arms in the air to let Castiel remove his shirt. He met Castiel’s eyes again and watched them flick down to Dean’s lips. Dean would have kissed him right there if it wasn’t against Castiel’s rules. 

Before Dean could do anything, Castiel unbuttoned Dean’s pants and started pulling them down along with his boxers. Dean’s breath got caught in his throat when Castiel got on his knees and stayed there. 

Castiel reached into the drawer beside his bed and pulled out a condom. He glanced up at Dean. “This is okay, right?”

Dean nodded quickly. “Yeah, definitely.” His head was spinning. He couldn’t tear his eyes away as he watched Castiel. His heart was pounding with excitement, and as soon as Castiel’s mouth was on him, pleasure washed over him like a tidal wave. He debated putting a hand in Castiel’s hair for a moment, then paused, unsure if Castiel wanted to be touched. 

Castiel happened to glance up and notice Dean’s hand move towards his head and then quickly back to Dean’s side. He turned his gaze up to Dean’s eyes and barely nodded his head in affirmation. 

Dean’s hands went straight to Castiel’s hair as soon as he got the approval. He carded his fingers through the strands, trying to convey how good he felt through his hands. One hand cradled the back of Castiel’s head, gently moving with the back and forth motion.

As Dean watched Castiel, his mind was racing. Deep down, he knew he wanted more than just sex. He could picture it: him and Castiel as a couple again. It would be different than it was before. They were just kids before, young and stupid. Back then, everything was new to them. They took every first step together as one. Now, they were more seasoned. Dean had relationships after Castiel. Obviously, they had ended, as he was very single now. Dean wondered if Castiel dated after high school.

Dean could imagine them together. They’d go on dates to restaurants downtown, walk around the park together in the spring, sit together, and talk like they used to. Now that Castiel was back in Dean’s life, he desperately missed those conversations that they used to have. He missed the long nights where they would stay up and talk endlessly. That was the beauty of their relationship: they could talk to one another about anything and everything. Conversation was lively and fun. There was never a dull moment while they talked. 

Dean’s hands tightened slightly in Castiel’s hair. He was getting closer than he wanted to before the main event. 

Castiel seemed to take the message and he pulled off, taking a moment to catch his breath. “On the bed,” He said, his voice a little more gravelly than before. 

Dean backed up and laid back on the bed, eyes following Castiel as he stood up. He swallowed as Castiel’s eyes moved over him. He felt like a gazelle staring at a lion. 

Castiel shook his head slightly. “Turn over, on your hands and knees.”

“Bossy,” Dean griped as he dramatically flipped over. He wished that he could still see Castiel, but he’d take what he could get. He felt the bed shift behind him and he shifted in anticipation. 

“I thought you liked it when I was bossy, you seemed to like it last time.”

Dean flushed red and swallowed. “Shut up,” he managed to say. 

Castiel chuckled softly behind him and hummed, running his hands over Dean’s ass and to his hips, gripping them tightly for a moment. The action made Dean squirm. 

“Come on, quit being a tease,” Dean grumped. 

“Hm, no.” Castiel leaned down and dragged his lips down Dean’s spine, placing small kisses here and there. 

Dean hung his head and sighed, resigning himself to being tortured. He felt Castiel’s head move up, and then teeth nipped him right at the crest of his ass. He yelped and looked back at Castiel with a pout. 

“What? It was too tempting.”

Dean tried not to smile, a thought popping into his head. “I knew doing this would bite me in the ass.”

“I’ll bite you again if you don’t shut up.”

“You’re acting like I didn’t like it,” Dean retorted. 

Castiel raised a brow, which made Dean’s heart flutter. “You’re breaking the minimal talking rule.”

“You started it.”

“And I’m ending it.” Castiel reached into the side drawer and pulled out his lube. 

Dean huffed and hung his head again. He looked back between his legs to get a small view of Castiel, who was kneeling and sitting on his heels. Dean actually had a pretty stellar view of Castiel’s junk, which he took a moment to admire. 

As time passed, he became more grateful for Castiel’s soft mattress. It cushioned his knees enough that it wasn’t becoming painful to stay one his hands and knees. He sunk down to his elbows as Castiel prepped him, voicing his approval through soft moans. It was starting to go on longer than he would have liked. He knew he was ready, but Castiel kept going.

“Come on, I’m ready.”

“I know.”

Dean huffed and dropped his forehead to the mattress. He pushed his ass back a little, trying to egg Castiel on. All that earned him was a particularly pleasurable curl of Castiel’s fingers. He groaned and tried to be patient. He wondered how Castiel could be so patient about this. Surely he wanted some kind of stimulation by now. 

Much to Dean’s relief, after another minute or so, Castiel’s fingers finally withdrew. Dean came back up onto his hands and let his head hang so that he could watch Castiel move. Sweet relief flooded his veins when Castiel finally started fucking him. 

Castiel’s movements were slow. His hands were tight on Dean’s hips, a force that grounded Dean and made him hold still while Castiel moved. He rocked back and forth into Dean, no hurry in his rhythm. Dean tried to push back for more, but Castiel’s hands went wicked tight. It sent heat straight down to his belly, arousal flooding his senses. He wanted to get fucked into oblivion, his knees and back be damned. 

Dean gripped the comforter in his fists, his eyes slipping closed. His senses were turning to putty, and all he could think about was the feeling of Castiel. He had leaned over Dean, their bodies connected as he moved languidly. It felt more like love-making than fucking, and that scared Dean. He knew that Castiel didn’t reciprocate his feelings, so what could it mean? Maybe he just wanted it slow today, but there was something so intimate about feeling the puffs of Castiel’s breath against his back and the tickle of his hair with his forehead between Dean’s shoulder blades. 

“I don’t need you to be gentle with me,” Dean muttered, turning his head to try and look at Castiel. 

“I know you don’t. You seem to be enjoying this, if I’m correct.” Castiel was a little out of breath, clearly affected by the situation. He kept his forehead pressed to Dean’s back and refused to look at him. 

Dean nodded a little, even though Castiel couldn’t see it. “Yeah, I was just kinda hoping you’d fuck me into next week.”

“You could ask.”

Dean swallowed. He looked back again and met Castiel’s gaze, a little startled that he was looking at him now. It was hot and heavy, like a predator looking at its prey. It made Dean simultaneously want to cower away and to throw himself to the metaphorical wolves. “I just did.”

“No, not really. Ask me.”

Dean cursed and dropped his head. He was so turned on and the slow rocking was becoming agonizing. He tried to find the words, but they wouldn’t come. There was something so exposing about asking for something like that directly. Castiel was being an ass by making him ask, but it was so hot that Dean didn’t care. 

“Take your time.” Castiel’s voice was a little lighter, teasing. 

“Fuck you,” Dean breathed out. 

“I think that’s what you’re doing currently, yes.”

“You’re breaking the minimal talking rule now,” Dean snapped back, pouting. 

Castiel hummed. “You still haven’t asked for what you want.”

Dean groaned and let his head hang for a moment. He swallowed and finally found the words he wanted. “Come on, fuck me so hard that I can feel it for days.” His voice was trembling, but the words were out. 

There was a hum, and Castiel sat up straight. “Since you asked so nicely.” 

Dean let out a small sigh of relief, then gasped when his body rocked forwards with the force of Castiel’s hips. He planted his hands a little harder on the bed and pushed back. He knew he was going to be sore in the morning, both of them were, but Dean didn’t care. It felt too good in the moment. 

He wanted to call out Castiel’s name, but he was too afraid of slipping up and calling him ‘Cas’. He wondered why Castiel had such an aversion to the name now. Was it because of Dean and everything that had happened between them? Dean was the one to come up with the nickname. 

Dean knew he was being noisy. He had a feeling that Castiel liked it. Every time he’d let out a loud moan, Castiel’s grip on his hips would tighten or Dean would hear Castiel’s breath catch in his throat. He liked to know that he had an effect on him. Castiel seemed so unbothered, so emotionless most of the time. 

Dean felt the only time he saw Castiel being himself was when they were having sex. He was bossy, more snarky, and he seemed more at peace. It was so different from the mindless, corporate drone that Castiel was at work. When they were at Sandover, Castiel didn’t emote much. He did his work and spoke up during meetings, but Dean knew that wasn’t really him. The Castiel he knew was sassy, dorky, and a little awkward. He knew that Castiel could be a fun person to be around. He was more fun when they were having sex, for sure. Maybe that was just the sex talking, but Dean felt like he was getting to know Castiel again. He was a little hardened around the edges, but it was still him. 

Castiel was a force of nature behind him. The bed rocked with every thrust and he had a hand shoved against the middle of Dean’s back, the other gripping his hip so hard that Dean thought he’d end up with bruises. Everything about it was perfect, and Dean wasn’t going to last much longer. 

He shifted one hand to keep his balance and moved his other hand underneath his body, stroking himself in time with Castiel’s thrusts. He squeezed his eyes shut, chasing his release. He heard a groan from Castiel, a deep guttural sound that echoed through the room. It was enough to send Dean flying over the edge. He fell onto his elbow and pressed his forehead against the bedspread. He was suddenly glad that he still had a condom on so that he didn’t come all over Castiel’s comforter. 

Castiel was close behind Dean, gasping and losing his rhythm as he came. Once he had ridden out his climax, he went very still behind Dean for a moment. He pulled out and tied his condom off, tossing it into the trash. 

Dean decided to be a good sport and he took off his condom as well. He slowly sat up to throw it into the trash can, then paused. “Why is there an empty wine bottle in your trash can?”

“Minimal talking. None of your business.” Castiel laid on his stomach with a heavy sigh. 

Dean tossed his condom into the trash and laid down on his back, staring up at the ceiling as he tried to catch his breath. Everything ached, but it was all worth it. 

He poked Castiel in the shoulder. “Aren’t you going to hold me for a minute? I’m getting cold.”

Castiel made a soft noise of protest. “Put your clothes back on, then. I’m tired.”

“You’re an asshole,” Dean huffed. He didn’t have the energy to sit up yet, so he just laid there. He really wanted Castiel to hold him. He desperately needed physical contact with him. He wanted them to lay there together and exchange soft kisses. Dean wished things were different. 

“So, you liked to be bossed around in bed more so than I thought.” Castiel didn’t turn his head to look at Dean. He stayed perfectly still. 

Dean blushed and narrowed his eyes. “Why does that matter? I thought we were sticking to minimal talking.”

“Well, since we’re sexual partners, I thought I should know what you like and dislike.”

“I think you abuse the minimal talking rule just to keep me from asking you questions you don’t like.”

“Why do you think I put the rule in place?”

Dean crossed his arms. “You’re different.”

Castiel finally turned his head to look at Dean, folding his arms underneath his chin. “Of course I am. I had seventeen years to grow up. You’re different too, but still much the same.”

Dean looked at Castiel. “You’re really different. It’s like you have this hardened shell around you now. I feel like I only get glimpses at the real you.”

“Or, you get glimpses of who I used to be. This is who I am now. I know I’m different, and you can hate it if you want to. Maybe that’s for the best.”

“I never said that I hated it.” Dean stared up at the ceiling. “It’s just not what I’m used to when it comes to you.”

Castiel laid his head down on his arms. “We should dislike one another more than we do, you know.”

“I get the impression that you don’t like me very much.”

“I never said that.”

Dean huffed. “You refused to be anything more than coworkers and sex buddies.”

“That doesn’t mean that I don’t like you. Don’t you remember that I said that I don’t hold grudges? I’ve long since forgiven you. I just don’t think I could ever go back to a friendship, and I have zero interest in a relationship. I’m not the type to develop feelings for an ex.”

Dean tried to pretend that that sentence didn’t hurt as bad as it did. Was it so much to ask to have Castiel reciprocate his feelings? “Yeah, guess I’m not either,” he lied. “I just remember that we had a really genuine connection. It would probably carry over to today. I don’t exactly have many friends in Minneapolis, and you seemed like a good candidate, if you didn’t hate me.”

“Sorry to disappoint, then.” Castiel got up and took a robe off a hook on the wall. He put it on and tied it, looking rather comfortable. “You can lay there as long as you need. I’ll be downstairs.”

Dean nodded and watched him leave. He definitely still needed a minute or so to recover. He tried to ignore the aching in his chest as he thought about their entire encounter. It had been mind-blowing, but gut-wrenchingly hard as well. It was only making Dean’s feelings about Castiel increase tenfold. Every time he saw him, it got a little stronger. He felt powerless against it. 

After a few minutes, Dean slowly stood up to get dressed. He was already sore, and he knew it would be worse in the morning. That didn’t matter much to him. He could always take some over-the-counter painkillers and stay seated in his comfortable office chair all day. 

Once he was dressed, he ventured downstairs to see himself out. He looked at the contemporary art that lined Castiel’s staircase as he passed. Once he was at the bottom, he saw Castiel in his kitchen with a glass in hand. He looked stoic and deep in thought. He was staring off into space, swirling the glass. Dean could logically guess that it had liquor in it.

Dean cleared his throat as he put his shoes on. “I’m heading out.”

Castiel jerked out of his stupor and looked at Dean. “Alright. Drive safe.”

Dean nodded and finished tying his shoes. He walked to the door, grabbing his jacket off the hook. He took one more glance at Castiel, taking note of the fact that he was drinking along with the fact that he had an empty wine bottle in his bedroom trash can.

He opened the door to let himself out, and something pink darted between his legs. He stared at the ground and saw Loki laying flat on the sidewalk, his head swinging back and forth as he looked at the world. “Your hairless gremlin escaped.”

Castiel made a kissy noise and the cat came running back into the house. “Don’t call him that. He’s a beautiful boy.”

Dean chuckled. “You’ve got to admit that he’s a little weird-looking.”

Castiel didn’t look amused. “Goodbye, Dean.” He closed the door and locked it. 

Dean shivered a little in the cold and hurried to his car to leave. He held his hands between his thighs as the car came to life, trying to warm his hands before driving. An old car in the cold wasn’t always the best situation. 

When Dean got home, he stood naked in front of his mirror to assess how he looked. Sure enough, he had light bruises on his hips from where Castiel had grabbed him. His hair was sweaty and messed up, and his face was still a little flushed. He tried to ignore how good it made him feel to see himself like that. 

When Dean went to bed that night, he spent nearly an hour reflecting on everything. His feelings for Castiel, their time together, and what the future held for them. He wondered if Castiel would ever open up a little to him. He was so closed off, and it was glaringly obvious. Dean could only hope that one day, Castiel felt close enough to him to open up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to hear your thoughts on this chapter in particular! Let's chat in the comments, or come poke at me on [tumblr](https://deanieweaniewrites.tumblr.com)


	11. Autumn Nights

####  **April 22nd, 2001**

Castiel looked a little different than usual. His music taste had shifted from mostly instrumentals and classical to Jimmy Eat World and Blink-182. He had taken on the punk look for himself, complete with black jeans, straightened hair, and a smudge of eyeliner around his eyes. He had one more idea for how to improve his look, and he knew just the person to help him with it. 

Dean looked at the instructions and hummed to himself. “This seems like a bad idea.”

“It will be fine. We’ll just follow the instructions. I am a little scared of the bleach, but we can figure it out.” He sat on the bathroom counter. They had moved into a three-bedroom apartment as of a month ago. One of their family members on their mom’s side of the family had found out about their situation and was now paying for them to live in the apartment away from Chuck. 

The moving process had been easier than Castiel expected. Chuck didn’t even protest. He even seemed relieved to have the stress of his children removed. They didn’t give him much notice. They just packed up one weekend and left. 

Castiel started mixing powder and developer in a little plastic bowl that they bought solely for the purpose of destroying with hair dye. “This stuff stinks.”

Dean made a face. “God, if I inhale more of that I’m going to pass out. How are you going to keep it on your head for half an hour?”

“I can do it.” Castiel hopped off the counter and turned around to look at his hair in the mirror. It was a little longer than usual and he had it flat-ironed, so it was pretty easy to work with. He put some gloves on and started applying the bleach to the tips of his hair. 

“Oh my god. No turning back now.” Dean watched, face shifting to one of mild horror. 

“Nope.” Castiel grinned at Dean. “If you were to dye your hair, what color would you pick?”

“Brown.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “That’s boring. I meant a fun color.”

Dean thought for a moment. “I dunno. Red? Green?”

“Do both and you’ll have Christmas hair.”

“It’s April.”

Castiel chuckled. “Do it for Christmas in July.”

“I think I’ll keep my hair the way it is. Not that I don’t think yours will look cool. I’m into your look.”

“I know you are.” Castiel had gained a little confidence, which was probably in part due to the fact that he was out of a neglectful home. Michael was about to contact a lawyer to see if he could get custody of his younger brothers, which would separate them entirely from Chuck. 

Dean kissed Castiel’s cheek, then backed up away from the smell of the bleach. “Jesus, that stuff burns my eyes.”

“Yeah, it’s not feeling too good over here either.” Castiel finished applying the bleach and looked at his hair in the mirror. He could already see some spots where the dark brown was lifting to orange. 

Dean picked up the bottle of blue hair dye and read the instructions on the back while he waited. “I really hope your hair doesn’t fall out.”

“That’s encouraging to hear.” Castiel picked up a plastic bag and put it over his hair to keep the heat in. “Come on, let’s go for a walk.”

Castiel led the way out of the apartment out into the complex. There were multiple buildings and woods behind the parking lot. Castiel liked to walk out into the woods and find different kinds of mushrooms that grew there. 

Dean stuck his hands in his pockets as he followed Castiel. “Aren’t you worried about people seeing you with a bag on your head?”

“People already see me in ripped jeans and eyeliner. They already think I’m weird. The bag on my head hardly matters.” Castiel walked into the woods, gazing at the trees and foliage around them. 

Dean followed him, looking around at the scenery. “Everything is blooming again. Sam’s allergies are getting to him.”

“I’m glad mine are mild. Just a slight runny nose and the occasional cough.” Castiel found a tree stump and sat on it. He took in a deep breath of the fresh air and smiled up at Dean. “Thanks for coming today.”

“You know I love coming over, just as much as I love it when you come to my place.” Dean sat down on the stump next to Castiel and took his hand. 

Castiel refrained from laying his head on Dean’s shoulder and looked out at the trees around them. It wasn’t the prettiest of woods. There was trash here and there, but Castiel still liked it. It was a little piece of nature. 

After a while, Dean looked at his watch. “It’s been half an hour, we should head back so you can rinse.”

Castiel nodded and stood up. He held Dean’s hand the whole way back to his apartment, letting them in with the key he had. 

When he walked up to the bathroom door, he found it locked, and he heard the shower running. His eyes widened and he darted to the hall. Gabriel’s bedroom door was open and he wasn’t in there. Castiel swore and knocked on the bathroom door. 

“Gabriel! I have chemicals in my hair!”

“You snooze, you lose!” Gabriel shouted back. 

“Kitchen sink?” Dean asked. 

Castiel paused. “That’ll have to do.” He walked into the kitchen and pulled the bag off of his head. He turned on the sink and stuck his head under it, rinsing the bleach out. 

“Oh my god it’s nearly white,” Dean mused, staring at Castiel’s head. 

Castiel ran his fingers through his hair to make sure all of the bleach was out. “Well, now I don’t have a towel. I’ll just...stay here then.”

“How long does Gabriel take to shower?”

“Not long, but he may drag it out now that he knows I need to get in there.” Castiel squeezed the water out of his hair in an attempt to dry it. He stood up fully and shivered when water went down his back. 

Dean chuckled. “It looks...interesting. Blonde tips are a little weird on you.”

“They’ll look better with the dark blue dye I bought. Come on, let’s camp outside the bathroom.” He stood outside the bathroom door and waited. It wasn’t long before they heard the water turn off. Shortly after that, Gabriel emerged from the bathroom with wet hair. 

Gabriel looked up at Castiel and his eyes widened. “Whoa, that looks weird.”

“I know. Let me in the bathroom so I can make it look good.” Castiel walked past Gabriel into the bathroom. 

Gabriel stared for a few more seconds before shaking his head. He glanced at Dean. “Hey, Dean.”

“Hey, Gabe.” Dean continued into the bathroom and shut the door behind himself. 

Castiel made quick work of blow-drying his hair to get it ready for the next step. He poured some of the blue hair dye into their bowl and added the appropriate amount of developer. He mixed it up with a gloved finger and looked at the mirror. “Here goes nothing.”

Once the blue hair dye was in, Castiel put the bag back on his head and took note of the time. While they waited, they sat in Castiel’s room. He no longer shared one with Jimmy, since Michael slept on the pull out couch in the living room. Everyone had their own space at night. Dean took a picture of Castiel with the bag on his head on a disposable camera. He had been buying lots of them recently and taking pictures of his memories with Castiel. 

Castiel got in the shower and rinsed out the blue hair dye. He was a little worried about it staining the bathtub, but everything seemed to be fine. He stepped out of the shower, blow-dried and straightened his hair, and took a peek at the final look in the mirror. It certainly wasn’t perfect, but the jagged nature of the color made for an edgier look. Dean took a picture. 

They spent the rest of the evening lying in Castiel’s bed, watching movies and cuddling to their heart’s content.

~~~

Castiel laid down on the bed, breathless. His mind was blown, and he needed a minute to recover. 

It had been a few days, and Castiel and Dean were already back in bed together. It was a Friday, so he had asked if Meg could meet up with him over the weekend instead. He felt a little bad for blowing her off to have sex, but he was too eager to fuck Dean again. It was too good. 

Images of their encounter were already flashing through his mind. He had Dean on his hands and knees again, but it was less rough. Neither of them could take something as rough as the last time so soon. It was the third time that they had sex since meeting again, and it was still just as amazing as the first. Castiel had even managed to not make eye contact nearly the whole time, which helped him to keep the intrusive thoughts about Dean away. 

As he laid there, he knew Dean wanted to cuddle, but he knew that it was too much. He managed the first time, but the idea of doing it again made something in his chest feel heavy, and that scared him. 

“Still gonna make me lay here by myself?” Dean asked.

“Yes.” Castiel stretched his arms over his head with a sigh. “You can lay there as long as you need to.”

“Hmph.” Dean scooted up on the bed until his head was on the pillow. 

Castiel folded his arms under his head and watched his ceiling fan spin. He knew Dean wanted to talk, so he decided to throw him a bone. “How’s Sam?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“I knew him just about as long as I knew you. He was my friend. I’m just curious.”

“Um, he’s fine. This time of year is hard for us, but a little more so for him now.”

Castiel raised a brow. “How so? He doesn’t even remember your mom. I know this time of year was still hard for him, but how is it harder for him now?”

There was a pause. “It’s kind of a long story.”

“I don’t have anywhere to be.” Truth be told, Castiel liked listening to Dean. He wanted to hear him talk. 

“What about minimal talking?”

“We can put that aside for a bit.” Castiel looked at Dean, who seemed to be considering what Castiel had said. 

“He had a girlfriend, Jessica. They lived together in an apartment near Stanford. Right before Sam’s law school interview, on the anniversary of mom’s death, his apartment complex caught fire. Crazy, I know. A fire on the anniversary of a fire. They were asleep and the alarm in their apartment was broken, so they didn’t wake up until it was too late. Firefighters pulled both of them out, and Sam had to be resuscitated on the sidewalk outside the complex. They tried to revive his girlfriend, but she didn’t make it. I took the first flight out there and watched him struggle on a ventilator for several days. He pulled through, but it was touch-and-go for a while there.”

Castiel frowned deeply. “That sounds terrifying. I’m so sorry.”

“It was. I really thought I was going to lose him. I don’t know what I would have done if I did.”

“Losing a sibling is hard. I’m glad he’s alright.”

Dean looked at Castiel. “How are you managing with that?”

Castiel was going to reinstate minimal talking, but it felt too unfair. “Fine. It’s been a few years. Summertime is hard. Sometimes it’s hard to see Claire and Amelia, but I’m fine.”

Dean nodded a little. “I know Jimmy would be happy to know that you keep Claire from time to time.”

Castiel looked away. “Yeah. Probably.” He got up. “As I said, you can lay there for as long as you need. I’ll be downstairs.”

“Okay.”

Castiel put his robe on and walked downstairs to get a drink. After a conversation that brought up Jimmy, he needed it. He sighed and looked at the bottle of scotch he bought for Meg a few weeks back. Scotch wasn’t his favorite, but it was all he had for the time being. He poured himself a large helping and leaned against his counter while he sipped at it. 

Sex with Dean was good. It was an energy release, pleasurable, and it actually made Castiel feel something. The feelings were the scary part, but he was starting to embrace some of them. He embraced how he liked to listen to Dean talk, and how he wanted to take his time with him. Taking his time made the sex better for both of them. 

Some of the feelings scared Castiel too much, so he didn’t indulge in those. He didn’t want to kiss him or cuddle with him. Both felt too intimate, something a couple would do, and they certainly weren’t a couple. They never would be a couple. It wasn’t possible. Castiel couldn’t go back after how bad their breakup was. 

Castiel finished his glass of scotch and looked at the time. It had been about ten minutes. He assumed that Dean just needed some time and poured himself another glass. He sat down in his chair and pet Loki when the cat hopped into his lap. He relaxed and closed his eyes for a little bit, trying to pretend that he was enjoying the scotch. 

By the time his third glass was finished, he wasn’t thinking too much about Dean. He wasn’t sure how much scotch he had, probably too much. He was pouring them heavily, so he was drunk and ready for bed. He put the scotch away and set his glass in the sink before heading upstairs, completely forgetting about the other person until he saw him. 

Dean was curled up on the bed and laying perfectly still. His breathing was even and his eyes were closed. He looked peaceful, almost ethereal as he laid there, sleeping. 

Castiel cursed and started walking over to Dean to wake him up. He paused right before he grabbed Dean’s shoulder. If he woke Dean up, Dean would see him drunk. He could have faked it, but that wasn’t a solid plan. Dean was already onto him, he had asked about the empty wine bottle on Monday. He had also seen Castiel blackout drunk in a bar. The last thing he needed was for Dean to start getting onto him like Meg was. 

Castiel sighed and grabbed a blanket out of his closet. He draped it over Dean and turned off the ceiling fan to make sure he didn’t get cold. 

He grabbed a pair of boxers out of his closet, so he at least had those on as he got into his guest room bed. He kind of hoped that Dean would wake up and leave in the middle of the night so that he didn’t have to see him in the morning, but maybe that was wishful thinking. He fell asleep shortly after laying down, sprawled out in bed. 

The next morning, Castiel woke up to the sound of footsteps above him. He opened his eyes and groaned. Dean must have just woken up. Castiel laid there and waited, listening so that he could hear when Dean left. He heard him moving around upstairs, then footsteps down the stairs. Castiel couldn’t hear him as well once he was downstairs, but he simply listened for the sound of the front door. 

Time passed, and he didn’t hear the door. He sat up and heard silence. He started to wonder what Dean was doing in his house. He frowned and sighed, sliding out of bed. He put his robe on and opened the door, peeking out to see where Dean was. 

Dean was sitting on the couch, his gaze moving to Castiel once the door opened. “Morning.” He seemed awkward. 

Castiel stepped out of the guest bedroom. “Good morning.” His tone was deadpan.

“I forgot that you’re not a morning person.”

“When was I ever a morning person?” Castiel griped, rubbing his face. He wasn’t too hungover, but he still didn’t feel great. 

“I just wanted to say sorry for falling asleep in your bed. You could have kicked me out.”

“Well, I didn’t.”

Dean nodded a little, taking the hint that Castiel didn’t want him there. “I’ll be on my way then. I guess I’ll see you next week. I have that business trip to Seattle that I won’t get back from until Friday.”

“Alright. See you then.” Castiel wrapped his arms around himself and watched as Dean finally left. He breathed a sigh of relief once he was alone and went about his usual morning routine. 

Castiel’s weekend was uneventful. He had a couple of drinks through the afternoon, then took a few hours to sober up before Meg arrived. They watched a movie and ate dinner in Castiel’s living room. Meg seemed pleased that Castiel wasn’t drinking, but she didn’t outwardly say anything about it, much to Castiel’s relief. 

On Sunday, Castiel went for a walk around the park and visited Gabriel’s bakery. They discussed Thanksgiving, which was in a little over a week. Michael was flying in from Chicago and they were meeting at Castiel’s house since he had a dining room that sat everyone. Castiel never used the dining room except for holidays, so he knew it needed dusting. 

The week without Dean came and went in a flash. Everything around the office was the same, except they didn’t have Dean’s meetings that broke up the monotony of the day. Castiel had never been to Seattle, but he could imagine that it was just about as cold and snowy as Minneapolis was, if not more so. 

The following Monday, Castiel expected to see Dean in the office again. He didn’t see him in the elevator or in his office, so he wondered if he was late getting in. Nevertheless, he continued with his day. He was nursing a nasty hangover, so he was eager to close himself in his office and work. 

When he sat down, he checked his email and saw one from Dean that had gone out to the entire department. He was working remotely for the week of Thanksgiving, so he wouldn’t be in the office. Castiel wondered if Dean had to stay in Seattle, or if he was with family for the week. 

With Dean still gone, things went back to the way they were before Dean arrived in Minneapolis. If Castiel was honest with himself, he’d say that it was pretty lonely. Things around the office were quieter, and of course, Castiel couldn’t invite Dean over if he wasn’t around. Castiel spent his evenings alone, which should have felt normal to him, but instead, they felt lonely and sad. 

Thursday arrived, and Castiel had the day off work. It was Thanksgiving, so he was to spend the day with his family. He had to wake up early so that he could get dressed and let Gabriel into his kitchen. He had gone grocery shopping earlier in the week, so his fridge was stuffed to the brim with food. 

Castiel put on a blue sweater and jeans. He popped some ibuprofen and splashed his face with water so that he didn’t look like death itself anymore. He had cleaned his house and gone through the effort of digging out some plastic pumpkins to decorate a little. 

He fed Loki and turned the TV onto a music channel to play softly in the background. Just as he was going to sit down, his doorbell rang. He walked to the door and opened it, finding Gabriel standing there in the cold. 

“Hey, let me in so I don’t freeze.”

“I’m working on it.” Castiel opened the door fully and let Gabriel inside. He shut the door quickly behind him to keep the heat in the house. 

Gabriel was carrying a large foil roasting pan with a raw turkey in it. He went straight to the kitchen and set it down on the counter. “Where’s your little raw turkey?”

“Are you referring to my cat?”

“Yes.” Gabriel grinned when he saw Loki coming down the stairs in an orange and yellow sweater. “There’s the naked mole-rat.”

“If you keep insulting my cat I’ll kick you out.” Castiel leaned against the counter. 

Gabriel knelt down and gently stroked Loki. “You know I love him. He likes me too.”

“He likes everyone. Even Dean, who I know you hate.”

Gabriel chuckled, then paused. “When did Dean meet Loki? You didn’t take the cat to the office, did you?”

Castiel froze for a moment. “No, um, Dean was here.”

“Why?”

He swallowed, forming a lie. “I got really sick at the office a couple of weeks ago, and Dean drove me home. He came inside briefly and saw Loki.”

Gabriel made a face. “Get a ride from someone else next time. You’re lucky he didn’t do anything stupid. You know him.” He scoffed. “I still can’t believe he’s your boss now. I can’t imagine how awful that is.”

“It’s really not that bad. We’ve maintained a professional coworker relationship, and he’s good at his job. He’s better than my old boss.”

“You just have terrible luck with bosses.” Gabriel stood back up. “Now, let’s get cooking before Michael gets here. You know he’ll be a control freak about it.”

Castiel nodded, rolling up his sweater sleeves. “It’s not like he’s any good at cooking either. He’s got the basics, but he can’t figure out seasoning to save his life.”

Gabriel laughed, then opened Castiel’s fridge. He took charge of the Thanksgiving cooking since he was the best at it. Baking was his passion, but he was an excellent cook as well. Castiel was merely his servant in the kitchen, not that he minded that role. He wasn’t the best cook, but he could follow a recipe when it was put in front of him. 

They made it until lunchtime before taking a break. All Castiel had except for the Thanksgiving food was microwave meals and some boxed mac and cheese that most likely expired months ago, if that was even possible. Gabriel refused to touch the microwave meal and went out to pick up a light meal for both of them. He came back with salads from a local deli. 

A few hours after lunch, once the turkey was in the oven, Michael arrived. Castiel let him in with a small smile. 

“I smell food.” Michael walked into the house and hung his coat on the rack. “How much have you gotten done?”

Gabriel surveyed the kitchen. “Everything is prepped. The turkey is in the oven. Other hot stuff goes in the oven soon.”

“Don’t put it in too early. We want it to still be hot when it’s time to eat.” Michael stepped into the kitchen, looking over everything. 

Michael was a good brother. He had practically raised his younger brothers from a very early age. He was responsible and practical. The only downside to him was that he was a massive control freak. He wanted everything to be his own way. He had to be that way to raise three boys, but now that they were all adults, his controlling nature was a little too much. 

“We know, Michael.” Castiel checked on his pot of water that he was going to boil the macaroni noodles in. 

Michael leaned against the counter and looked around Castiel’s house. “Your decor hasn’t changed since the last time I was here.”

“You know me. I’m not big on change, especially in my own space.” Castiel poured the macaroni noodles into the pot. 

Michael startled and looked down, relaxing when he saw that the thing rubbing against his leg was Castiel’s cat. “You should have gotten one with hair.”

“Claire is allergic. She wouldn’t have been able to come over anymore. Besides, it’s less clean up, and he’s a pretty cat.”

Gabriel snorted. Castiel hit him with a dishtowel in retaliation. 

As they cooked, they mostly talked about their jobs. Gabriel had countless customer stories from the bakery. Michael and Castiel didn’t have much to say about their office jobs until Gabriel brought up his new boss. 

“Cassie, why don’t you tell him who your new boss is?”

Castiel sighed and turned to Michael. “It’s Dean.”

“Dean as in...Dean?” 

Castiel nodded. “It’s him.”

“Oh.” If there was anyone who disliked Dean more than Gabriel, it was Michael. 

Gabriel continued mashing the potatoes and turned to look at Michael. “I know.”

“It’s really not that bad. Besides, I’ve long since forgiven him and there’s no bad blood. We’ve been perfectly professional.” Castiel crossed his arms. 

“I know it was a long time ago, but he really hurt you, Castiel. Don’t let him do it again,” Michael said. 

“You’re acting like I’m going to date him again.”

Michael held up his hands in self-defense. “I won’t judge you if you do, but I’ll be seriously worried.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “Trust me, that’s never happening.” He brought the conversation back to the food, and they moved on from the subject of Dean. 

At four o’clock, Amelia and Claire arrived. Castiel let them inside with a smile and ushered them into the living room. Claire had her nose buried in her phone, but she waved at her uncles. 

“Traffic is just awful getting here.” Amelia sighed, hanging her coat on the rack. “Is the cat out?”

Castiel nodded. “He’s around here somewhere.” He knew how much Amelia loved cats. She didn’t have one of her own because of her frequent trips and Claire’s allergy. 

“Food should be ready in about an hour,” Gabriel announced from the kitchen. 

“Castiel, where’s the wine? You said you bought some and I want a glass.” Michael was searching Castiel’s kitchen. 

“In the wine cooler in the dining room. There’s red and white.” Castiel stepped into the kitchen and got out two wine glasses so that he could have a glass as well. 

Michael returned from the dining room with a bottle. “You have a lot of wine.”

“I knew I’d have company,” Castiel replied, handing Michael the corkscrew. 

“You had twelve bottles in there.”

“So?” Castiel felt his temper getting to him, but he kept an even expression. 

Michael shrugged. “Just asking.” He poured each of them a glass. 

Castiel took a sip from his glass and focused on calming himself back down. Gabriel was finishing up the desserts, so it wouldn’t be much longer before they were eating. Castiel was glad to have the wine to calm his nerves. 

Dinner began at five. Everyone helped to carry dishes into the dining room to set the table. They had turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, mac and cheese, green beans, and homemade cranberry sauce. 

They weren’t a particularly religious family, so there was no prayer before the meal. The Novak brothers had some religious trauma from Chuck, who would never speak to them unless he was yelling at them about not following God’s way or something along those lines. 

The first few minutes of the meal were quiet while everyone was stuffing their faces with the delicious food. Claire had finally put her phone away, so she was present for the meal. She always felt a little out of place being the only kid in the family, but her uncles did the best they could to include her. 

Castiel was on his second glass of wine, and he was hoping that no one noticed the fact that he had poured a second. He had no plans of getting drunk around his family, but he definitely wanted a few glasses to keep the itch from bothering him. It was embarrassing to think that he needed the wine at all, but that was the point he was at. 

Amelia was the first to speak after a while. “What are everyone’s Christmas plans?”  
“Mom, we aren’t even through with this holiday,” Claire griped.   
“I’m just asking.”

Michael spoke up first. “I’ll probably come to Minneapolis to see everyone.”

Gabriel nodded. “I’ll be here. The bakery is open every day except Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so those are the only two days I’ll take off.” He looked at Castiel. “Castiel will finally use his paid time off around Christmas to go somewhere nice, won’t he?”

Castiel looked up from his plate and stared at Gabriel. “Probably not. I haven’t booked anything, and there’s no way I’ll get tickets this close to time. I’ll just take the week of Christmas off to visit family and wait until next year.”

Gabriel gave Castiel a pointed stare. “Come on, you didn’t take a single day off this year.”

“Yes, I did. I got the flu back in February.”

“That doesn’t even count, you were sick. You get two weeks of paid time off every year and you didn’t use a single day of it. And, that was in February. You’ve gone from February to November without taking a single day to yourself.”

“Maybe I like working.”

“I like working at the bakery, but I still went to the beach for a week over the summer.”

Castiel sighed. “As I said, there’s no way I’ll be able to book anything at that time of year with so little time in advance. Next year.”

“I swear, next year I’m taking you to the Bahamas or something. You get paler every time I see you.”

Castiel rolled his eyes and continued eating, ignoring his brother’s antics. He knew that Gabriel was coming from a good place, but it was still annoying to have him on his back about taking a break. Truth be told, he was too overworked to be able to take a break. With his old boss gone and the position vacant for most of the year, he wasn’t able to take time off without needing to work remotely or come back to a mountain of work. It just didn’t work out that year. 

For dessert, they ate Gabriel’s cherry pie. It was decadent, and everyone had to be silent while they ate it, too enthralled with the flavor. 

After the meal, everyone worked together to clean up. They divided the leftovers into Tupperware for each of them to take home. They didn’t want to leave all of the dishes for Castiel, so they washed and dried all of them together. 

They all sat down in the living room and continued talking. They got Claire to talk about school a little, and Amelia talked about her recent New York trip. 

Claire looked out the window, then stood up to look closer. “Guys, it’s snowing.” There was a collective groan from everyone. “Was it supposed to snow?”

Castiel sighed. “I think I heard that it was supposed to on the news yesterday and forgot.”

Michael pulled out his phone. “If that’s the case, I should probably get going to my hotel before it gets bad.”

Gabriel nodded. “I should go too. I’ve got to get back downtown.”

Castiel stood up, gently setting Loki on the floor. He watched as everyone gathered their coats and put them on, readying themselves from the snow outside. It wasn’t the first time it had snowed. It snowed just a little two weeks ago and once during October. Looking outside, this was going to be their first big snow of the year. 

Everyone left Castiel’s house with a wave, walking to their respective cars. Castiel watched the snow outside from his door for a minute before finally closing it to keep the heat inside. 

He looked around his home and was impressed that it was still so clean. That was the upside of there being no small children in his family anymore. The dishes were done and everything was put away, so there was no need to clean before bed. 

Castiel set himself up in his chair and turned on the TV, a glass of wine in hand. He relaxed and closed his eyes for a moment. He was spending the next day with Michael and Gabriel, so he didn’t need to give himself a massive hangover. Wine seemed to give him the worst hangovers, so he had to abstain a little that night. 

He went to bed early, eager to get plenty of rest so that he would feel good around his brothers the next day. 


	12. Reaching Out

Dean’s business trip was different than he expected. It was mostly just for him to attend a bunch of meetings with the staff over in Seattle, but some of the meetings were interrupted by the massive snowfall Seattle got while he was there. It was so bad that he couldn’t get to the office for two of the days he was there. After talking with his higher-ups, he decided to stay in Seattle over the weekend and through Tuesday so that he could get through with all the work he needed to get done in Seattle before returning to Minneapolis. 

The worst part about business trips was the flying. Dean was petrified of planes, even though he had been on one many times in his career. No matter how many times he did it, it still scared him shitless. 

When he returned, he had the end of the week off for Thanksgiving. He drove out to Sioux Falls to see Sam, Bobby, and John for the holiday. They weren’t the type to spend all day cooking, so they just ordered in some burgers and sat around the TV. It was good to see Sam again and to update him about his life. He liked hearing about what Sam was up to as well. 

He drove back to Minneapolis on Sunday, ready to be back in his routine. He had a month before Christmas, so the office was due to be busy until then. 

Dean went to work on Monday feeling refreshed. The long drive the day before had made him feel much better. He needed to get out on the weekends more often to drive. 

As he walked into the office, he spotted Castiel heading to the elevator. He looked a little more run-down than usual, but that was becoming the new normal. Castiel always looked a little worse every time Dean saw him. Of course, he worried, but there was nothing he could do or say to Castiel. The other man had no interest in talking about himself with Dean. 

Dean had his suspicions about Castiel. He had seen the empty wine bottle in his bedroom trash can, he took note of the fact that Castiel always drank when he left, and of course, there was the time he found him blackout drunk in a bar. It was plausible that Castiel drank every night. It seemed like there was something he was trying to forget, and Dean was pretty sure it was his brother’s death. Castiel wasn’t telling Dean how much that affected him. Dean knew that addiction could run in a family, and Castiel could have inherited it from his father. 

It seemed to Dean that Castiel didn’t think that he had a problem. He had outright said to Dean that he wasn’t an alcoholic. But, he was touchy about Dean mentioning the drinking, so maybe deep down he did know there was a problem.

Either way, Dean couldn’t help him. He wanted to, very badly, but Castiel wasn’t letting him in. Dean wondered if they would get close enough for him to be able to help. They did talk afterward every time, even if just for a few minutes. If Dean could just get closer and get Castiel to open up, maybe there was something he could do. 

“Good morning,” Castiel said once they were in the elevator together. 

Dean pressed the button. “Morning.” He glanced over at Castiel. “So, are you free tonight? It’s been a couple of weeks.”

“Yes, I’m free, though I’m very tired today.”

“That’s alright. We’ll figure something out.” Dean tried to be reassuring. If he was going to get close to Castiel, he had to see him as often as possible. 

“Okay. I’ll see you after work, then.” Castiel left the elevator when it opened, walking to his office.

Dean walked to his own office and started thinking of a plan. He wasn’t sure how many other friends Castiel had, but if he was getting worse, he could safely assume that they weren’t intervening. Dean wondered if he could get Gabriel involved. That would be tricky, given that Gabriel hated Dean and would probably tell him to get out of his family’s business. Gabriel had to be an absolute last resort. 

Dean could talk to Castiel and try to get him to open up about his life. The minimal talking rule was going to be his enemy through this. He knew that the rule was only in place to keep Dean from asking Castiel too many personal questions. He only abided by it because he wanted to make Castiel happy. Maybe he’d have to push the boundaries of that rule a little bit. 

It was hard to focus on work with Castiel on his mind, but he managed. He had several meetings and a mountain of paperwork. His email inbox was ever-growing. The job was stressful, but Dean worked well under pressure. It motivated him and made him outperform his peers. That’s how he got to the position he was in. 

After work, Dean left his office and walked back to his apartment. There was still a ton of snow on the ground from Thanksgiving, so he had to be careful and watch for ice. It was frigid cold outside. The temperature had dropped significantly over the past few weeks. After a warmer fall, they were getting hit with a very cold winter. 

Dean rubbed his face to warm his cold cheeks when he walked into his apartment. He went straight to his room to change into normal clothes. He thought briefly about just wearing pajamas to save the laundry, but then he thought that Castiel would think it was weird. It seemed that he cared a lot about what Castiel thought of him. 

He made a chicken and pasta dish for dinner and sat in front of the TV to eat it. He couldn’t stop thinking about what to say to Castiel. Maybe he should ask him why he felt so tired that day. No, that was too direct. He had to be subtle. 

Dean drove to Castiel’s house, going slowly on the icy roads. They had all been cleared, but there was always the risk of hitting black ice, so Dean drove carefully. He parked in Castiel’s little driveway and got out of his car, pulling his jacket tightly around his body as he walked to the door. He rang the doorbell and waited, keeping his head low to let the collar of his jacket block the wind. 

The door opened and Castiel stood there, looking just as tired as he did that morning. “Come in.”

Dean walked into the house and hung his coat on the coat rack. “Still tired?”

Castiel nodded. “Very.” He rubbed his head as if it was hurting him. 

“Do you want me to top? Or bottom from the top?”

“The second one.” Castiel didn’t meet Dean’s eyes, which wasn’t too unlike the norm. During sex, Castiel’s gaze was either averted or they were facing away from one another. There were rare moments where Castiel would finally look at Dean with a gaze so intense that it made Dean feel as if he’d melt. 

Dean started making his way up the stairs. “You’re sure you’re up for this? I can come back tomorrow.”

“No, I want to. I’m fine.”

“Are you?” Dean asked, but immediately regretted it. 

Castiel glared. “It’s none of your business, but yes, I’m fine. I was up late last night, that’s all, if you’re so concerned about it. Now get back to minimal talking or I’ll ask you to leave.”

“Jesus, fine.” Dean sighed, taking his second layer off. He untied his shoes and slid them off, leaving them by the door. 

Castiel started undressing himself, a sour look on his face. He was slower in his movements, clearly exhausted. It was almost sad to watch. Once he was undressed, he laid down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. 

Dean looked at Castiel and decided to take care of him, at least a little. He finished undressing and climbed onto the bed. He ran his hands up Castiel’s thighs and brushed his thumbs over his hip bones. 

“You don’t have to do that,” Castiel mumbled. His eyes were closed. 

“I want to. Besides, it’s more fun if there’s foreplay.”

“Fine. Knock yourself out.”

Dean looked at Castiel and a thought came to mind. He drew back slightly. “You’re not drunk, are you?”

Castiel opened his eyes and stared at Dean like he said the dumbest thing ever spoken. “No. Why would you ask me that?”

“I just wanted to be sure. You’re acting weird.”

“I had to be around my brothers all weekend. I’m exhausted and I had a long workday. Forgive me if I’m not my usual self for one day,” he spat. 

Dean held his hands up in self-defense. “Alright, alright. I’ll quit talking.”

“Good.”

Dean paused for a moment before continuing. He ran his hands all over Castiel’s body, practically worshipping it. He pressed kisses down Castiel’s chest and stomach, finally arriving at his hips. He paused before taking Castiel’s cock into his hand, slowly stroking him while his lips hovered at the head. He heard Castiel make a soft noise and took it as a sign to keep going. 

Before he went any further, he reached into the drawer and pulled out a condom. As he rolled it onto Castiel, he sighed. 

“Don’t you think it would be less of a pain if we both got tested and didn’t have to use condoms anymore?” Dean asked. 

“Wouldn’t that make us exclusive? That implies that we’re not seeing anyone else.”

“You’re seeing someone else?”

Castiel sighed. “Not that it’s any of your business, but no. If you really want to, I’ll get tested and we can ditch the condoms.”

Dean grinned a little. “Really?”

“Don’t make me change my mind.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll get tested too, as soon as possible.”

Castiel just hummed in response, still not looking at Dean. 

Dean took Castiel’s cock into his mouth, ignoring the taste of rubber in his mouth. He hummed around him, slowly bobbing his head and dragging his tongue along the underside. 

Dean startled when he suddenly felt a hand in his hair. He looked up and saw that Castiel still had his eyes closed. The hand was present, a weight on the back of Dean’s head. Castiel didn’t push him or force him down, much to Dean’s delight. The fingers gently wove themselves into the longer strands of Dean’s hair on the top of his head. It was more gentle than Dean expected, but he certainly wasn’t complaining. 

Dean sped up slightly and the hand in his hair tightened. Castiel was gently pushing him now, not hard enough that Dean wasn’t able to resist. Of course, Dean didn’t want to resist. He moved as the hand guided him. He tried to take Castiel into his throat and didn’t gag, so he repeated that a few times. 

Suddenly, the hand yanked up on Dean’s hair, pulling him up and off. Dean blinked and looked at Castiel to see what was going on. Castiel’s eyes were still closed, but his face told a story, one of a man who was very greatly affected by what Dean was doing. His cheeks were flushed red, and his mouth was open slightly, taking in deep breaths to calm back down. 

Dean grinned, knowing he had done that. “Need a minute?”

“Yes.” Castiel’s voice was quiet and gravelly. He let go of Dean’s hair. 

Dean crawled further up the bed and turned around. He straddled Castiel’s waist, facing away from him. He picked up the lube and looked over his shoulder at Castiel. He grinned when he saw that his eyes were finally open. He quickly turned his head back before they made eye contact to keep Castiel from closing his eyes again. He wanted him to watch. 

Dean pushed two lubed fingers into himself and hummed, letting his own eyes slip closed. He hoped that Castiel was watching. Maybe he’d even join in. Either way, Dean was going to put on a little show. He arched his back and spread his thighs as far as he comfortably could, making himself as pretty as possible. With every movement of his fingers, he let out a soft moan. 

After a few minutes, a miracle happened. He felt Castiel’s hand on his ass, and then his fingers inching towards his hole. Castiel pushed two fingers in, curling them against Dean’s prostate. Dean moaned his approval and slipped his own fingers out. 

For several minutes, Castiel’s fingers worked their magic on Dean. In the short time they had been sleeping together, it seemed that Castiel had figured out exactly where to press and rub. 

Castiel gently pulled his fingers free. “Turn around when you go down on me.”

Dean scrunched his brows. “I thought you didn’t want to look at me.”

“I would rather you came on me than on my bedspread.”

Dean huffed and scooted down closer to Castiel’s hips before turning around to face him. He saw that Castiel had closed his eyes again, which was a little disappointing. Was it so much to ask for his sexual partner to at least look him in the eyes? 

It was probably too intimate. Castiel seemed so afraid of intimacy with Dean. Who could blame him after how badly their relationship ended before? There was a possibility that any kind of intimacy felt too scary to him. Dean so badly wanted to get inside his head and figure out how he ticked. 

Dean sank down slowly onto Castiel, letting out a long breath. He closed his own eyes for a moment, taking in the feeling of Castiel. It was so good, and it felt so right. All it did was make him wish that this meant more than it did. This was meaningless sex. The only purpose of it was pleasure. There was no intimacy or love involved. To Dean, that made it hurt. The more he was around Castiel, the more he wanted all of him. He was pining so hard that it bordered on painful. 

He moved slowly, rising up and falling back down. He stayed on tempo, like a metronome ticking back and forth. The pleasure was building slowly with his movements. 

Castiel’s hands came up and rested on Dean’s thighs, thumbs brushing over the skin. The touch made Dean’s chest ache with want. He looked at Castiel’s face, willing him to open his eyes. He wanted to see those beautiful blue eyes and stare into them. Maybe through looking at Castiel he could convey to him how he felt. The words were on the tip of his tongue, but he forbade himself from speaking them.

As his tempo increased in speed, he forced his own eyes closed. It was just too painful to look at Castiel anymore. The pleasure crescendoed, and a hand wrapped itself around Dean’s cock, stroking him in time with his movements. Dean opened his eyes and saw Castiel’s hand on him. When his gaze moved up, he saw that Castiel’s eyes were open. 

They made eye contact, and it was so sweet. They stared at each other like the other was the most precious thing in the room. Castiel’s other hand came up to Dean’s face, resting on his cheek. Dean leaned down to get closer to Castiel, and they were staring at each other’s lips. Just as Dean started to lean in. Castiel’s head went back and he gasped as he came. He stroked Dean faster, which tipped Dean over the edge with him. 

Dean came down from his high as he panted, his head spinning. He opened his eyes when Castiel patted his thigh. 

“Off.”

Dean followed his instructions and got off of him, laying down on the bed beside him.

Castiel cleaned himself up with some tissues, tossing them into the trash can along with the used condom. He sighed and rested his head on the pillow, not looking at Dean anymore. 

“Are we going to talk about what happened there?”

“No. Nothing happened.”

Dean gaped. “You almost broke the no kissing rule.”

“That was you. You were the one leaning in.” Castiel folded his arms behind his head. 

“You didn’t say no.”

“Someone needs to teach you a little more about consent, then.”

Dean huffed. “You know what I meant. You were giving me every sign that you wanted it to. You were even looking at me.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“Yes, it does. You’ve avoided looking at me every time we’ve done this. I don’t know what’s so off-putting about me, but you always close your eyes or make me face away from you.”

“Who are you to ask why I do these things? It’s none of your business.”

“Quit saying that! God! When did you become so emotionally constipated, man?”

Castiel sat up. “I am not emotionally constipated! Where do you even get that idea?”  
“You don’t let yourself feel anything. You’re a robot, especially at work. You may like your job, but I know you’re not happy. I haven’t seen you happy since we were in high school. I’ve barely even seen you smile! Maybe once. The worst part is, you won’t let me in. I don’t think you’re letting anyone in. I know that back in high school, it took you a long time to tell me about your family. Months. And I had to ask to come over and convince you that I wanted to.”

“Have you ever considered that maybe I just don’t want to let  _ you _ in? Why would I let you, of all people, know what I’m feeling? Do you even remember how badly you hurt me?” Castiel had an icy cold stare. 

“Of course I remember! I remember because I lived with the guilt for years. Hell, I still haven’t forgiven myself!”

Castiel mock-pouted. “Oh boo hoo, poor Dean broke his boyfriend’s heart and we should all feel bad for him because he feels guilty.”

“I know, okay! I know I don’t deserve any sympathy. You said you forgave me, but you sure as hell don’t act like you have. The least you could do is be honest with me and say you still hate me.”

“You’re going to make me hate you again if you don’t stop acting like this. Why do you care so much, anyway? It’s been so long, I shouldn’t mean anything to you.”

Dean swallowed. “Of course I still care about you. You were my best friend. I care about you a lot, and I know you well enough to know that you’re miserable, and you’re not letting anyone help you. It doesn’t even have to be me. Just find someone, anyone who can help, because I have to see you every day at work and I can’t watch you fall apart. It would break me.” He never explicitly mentioned his suspicions surrounding Castiel’s drinking. He knew that mentioning it was bound to get a terrible reaction. 

Castiel was silent for a moment. He looked away from Dean. “I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong with me. I’ve just changed and you don’t like it. If you hate it so much, maybe we should stop doing this.”

“No, I don’t want to stop doing this. If you want, I’ll never talk about this again. I just can’t live with myself if I don’t at least try just this once to get through to you.”

“There’s nothing to get through to. It’s just me.” Castiel sighed. “We can keep doing this if you promise me you won’t have another outburst.”

Dean looked desperately at Castiel. He felt like a failure for not being able to reach him. The feeling sank into his bones and drained him of any happiness that he may have been feeling at the time. “Fine. I won’t.”

“Good.” Castiel stood up and put his robe on. “You can rest for as long as you need as long as you don’t fall asleep in my bed again. I will wake you up this time.”

“Okay, I won’t go to sleep.” Dean folded his arms over his chest, a little cold now. He watched Castiel leave and sighed heavily. 

He wasn’t sure why he agreed to keep having sex with Castiel. It was already hard enough to see him at the office, watching him look worse and worse. It was even harder to be up close and personal with him. Maybe there was just a part of him that thought that maybe one day he would get through to Castiel. He had to hold onto the hope that one day, someone would. 

He didn’t stay long, only for another few minutes. He got dressed and walked downstairs. His heart ached when he saw Castiel standing in the kitchen, drinking a glass of dark liquor and staring off into space. 

“See ya.” Dean grabbed his jacket off the hook. He heard a hum in response from Castiel and stepped out into the cold. He got into his car and sighed as he started it. All he wanted now was to be at home in his own bed to forget about their conversation. 

~~~

####  **January 27th, 2002**

Dean checked his watch and looked at the white roses he was holding. He had only bought flowers for Castiel one other time, and it was the day after their first anniversary. It was their second anniversary, and they were actually getting to celebrate it. After having to deal with CPS last year, they needed a year where they could do something fun to celebrate their relationship. 

When it was finally time, Dean got in his car and drove to Castiel’s apartment to pick him up. He walked up to the apartment door and knocked a few times, waiting for Castiel to answer. 

The door opened and Castiel beamed at Dean. He still had his alternative style, but he was dressed nicely. He had on a blue button-up that matched his hair. 

“Hey, I brought you these.” Dean held out the flowers. 

Castiel’s eyes widened a little and he smiled, gently taking the bouquet. “Thank you, my love.” He kissed Dean’s cheek. “Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise. You’ll want a jacket.” Dean was wearing a forest green button-up and a black jacket to keep warm. 

Castiel looked at the rack by the door and picked out a jacket to wear. He put it on and followed Dean to his car. 

Dean drove them out of town and down a small backroad. He knew where he was going without his GPS.

“Dean, this seems like it’s out in the middle of nowhere. Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.” Dean grinned as he turned onto a dirt road, which still had some snow on it from the snowfall they had gotten a few days prior. It was too warm for it to stay much longer. 

Castiel looked around, then his eyes widened when he finally saw their destination. “Did you do this?”

Dean grinned. “Yeah, came out here this morning before school.” In front of them was a little pond that still had ice around the edges and snow on the banks. At the edge of the pond, there was a picnic table set up with candles that weren’t lit yet. 

Castiel got out of the car and watched as Dean took a picnic basket out of the back of his car. “This is probably the sweetest thing you’ve ever done.”

“I did my best.” Dean smiled and set the basket on the table. “I know it’s cold, but we can just eat outside and then get warm in the car.” He was already looking forward to the cuddles.

Castiel leaned his head against Dean’s shoulder. “Sounds perfect to me.”

Dean smiled at Castiel like he was the most precious thing in the world because, to Dean, he was. Castiel was perfect. It had taken a while for him to open up and truly be himself, but he was there now. He loved Dean and Dean loved him. Their relationship was strong, and both of them were convinced that nothing would ever come between them.


	13. Evaluation

Castiel’s week felt slow. The whole time, he kept thinking about Dean’s outburst. It seemed so random and uncalled for, but the more Castiel thought about it, maybe Dean had a point. 

Looking in the mirror every morning was getting depressing. He knew that he didn’t look good. He had permanent bags under his eyes and his face was thinner than usual. He had lost a lot of his muscle tone, which made him look like he did in his twenties, lanky and wiry. He couldn’t bear to look at old pictures of himself anymore. It was depressing to see how happy he was back then and to compare it to how he felt at that moment. 

Dean seemed so...worried. He looked terrified and desperate when he was trying to get him to talk. The fact that he seemed so concerned had Castiel reconsidering how people were acting around him. There seemed to be a lot of people trying to reach him, but he didn’t need their help. He was fine. Sure, he drank a little more than he should, but that was no reason for everyone to freak out so much, right?

Castiel didn’t meet up with Dean again that week. After their argument, they needed some space. Seeing each other at work was enough. Castiel actively tried to stay away from Dean, which wasn’t hard given that he spent his entire day in his office except for meetings. There was no chance of seeing him in the breakroom, the room he hated so much. 

On Thursday, Meg called and said she was coming over. Castiel was honestly glad to have the company. He knew that he’d have to stay sober for the evening to keep Meg from bugging him about his drinking, but that wouldn’t be too bad. He had done it several times already. He’d have a drink or two before she came to stave off the itch, then he’d have as much as he wanted after she left. 

Castiel answered his door when he heard the doorbell and let Meg inside, faking a smile. “Hello, Meg.”

“Heya. I brought soup and sandwiches.” She walked inside and set the bag of food down on the counter. 

“Perfect for this weather. Did you see that we’re getting more snow overnight?”

“I did, unfortunately. I bet you’re excited to shovel your driveway in the morning.” 

Castiel groaned. “Don’t get me started.” He sat down in his chair and let Meg hand him his food. “How was your day?”

“Oh god, it sucked. I slept through my alarm this morning and had to run into work half an hour late. I didn’t fix my hair or anything. I just threw it into a messy bun and called it a day. My boss chewed me out and gave me extra work to do, so I was swamped. I’ve been looking forward to sitting on your couch all day.”

Castiel chuckled softly. “Well, I’m glad my couch can provide you with some relief.”

“How are you? What was your day like?” Meg started eating her soup. 

Castiel shrugged. “It was fine. We had a meeting that ran way over time. Dean is usually pretty good about keeping everything on time, but today there were a lot of questions and we had too much to discuss for one meeting. A lot of it could have been in an email, but Dean likes to talk to us face-to-face.”

“How are things with Dean? You haven’t talked about him much.”

Castiel briefly considered telling Meg what he was doing. It was probably a terrible idea, but the words were already coming. “Um, about that-”

“Oh no.”

“We’ve been...meeting up...outside of work.”

“Castiel…”

“I know. We both wanted to, and it’s meaningless sex. It’s just for fun, and I can call it off if he does something stupid.”

Meg set down her soup and crossed her arms. “I knew this was going to happen.”

“Hey, you’re the one who suggested it to me a while back.”

“I was joking! I didn’t want you to actually start fucking your boss. You two don’t get it on in the office, do you?” Meg asked. 

Castiel shook his head. “God, no. I wouldn’t risk losing my job for sex with Dean. That’s not worth it.” The sex was very good, but Castiel had a livelihood to think about.

“Well, at least you have that going for you.” She sighed and picked her soup back up. “It’s not going to turn into a relationship, is it?”

“Hell no.”

“Good. He’s put you through enough for a lifetime.”

Castiel felt a little better now that Meg knew. It felt shitty to lie to her. “I know.”

“How long has this been going on?”

Castiel thought for a moment. Time seemed to be passing faster than he thought. “I don’t know. A while?”

“You should have told me sooner so I could have told you how stupid of an idea it was.”

Castiel sighed. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Just take care of yourself, alright?”

“I will.” Castiel finished his soup and ate his sandwich as well. There was silence in the room for a little while. Another question started brewing within Castiel. After Dean’s outburst, he was really starting to question himself and everything that was going on. Meg was the first person to show concern, and she didn’t see Castiel as often as Dean did. Dean was the only person that Castiel saw daily and actually talked to. He saw his other coworkers, but he never spoke to them except at meetings. 

“Earth to Castiel. What’s on your mind?”

Like before, the words came out before Castiel could stop them. “Do you really think I have a problem?”

Meg frowned a little. “With alcohol?” She paused as Castiel nodded. “I think you already know my answer to that. Yeah. I think you need help.”

Castiel closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I just...I don’t think it’s that bad. I’m nothing like my father. I go to work every day and I function as a normal adult.”

“You can be a functional alcoholic, but you’re right. You are nothing like your dad. He was a neglectful piece of shit. You take great care of Loki and even maintain friendships.”

Castiel closed his eyes and let his chin rest on his chest. “I just think that I would act much worse if there was a serious problem.”

“It’s not so much how you act, but how you feel. I can tell that you don’t feel good. I know you’re waiting for me to leave so that you can drink. You’ve been shooing me off sooner than usual. I can hazard a guess that you have something to drink before I get here too.” Meg’s gaze was softer than usual, a kind stare that Castiel could see out of the corner of his eye when he opened it. 

“How did you know?”

“Because the first time we hung out after I said I wouldn’t drink with you anymore, you were definitely sober and super cranky. You barely talked to me and we didn’t even finish a movie before you said you were tired and wanted to be alone. After that, you’ve been fine. You’re definitely not drunk, but you probably had just enough to keep you sane.”

Castiel brought his head back up and leaned it against the back of his chair. “It’s like an itch that I have to scratch. It makes me incredibly anxious and there’s only one way to make it go away.”

“That sounds like you have a pretty serious addiction.”

Castiel let out a shaky breath. He felt tears welling up. “I don’t know how to fix it. It seems impossible to just stop.”

“Honestly, professional help is probably the way to go. A therapist can help you work through whatever is causing this. They’ll probably tell you how to quit too. You could even go to AA. I know there are several meetings in the area. You could probably find one close to your house.”

“I don’t know if I’d want to go to one that was close. I might see one of my neighbors or coworkers.”

“That’s fair.”

Castiel sniffled. The tears were coming fast. “I just don’t know how I ended up here.”

“I know. It’s scary.”

Castiel wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t want my family to know. They would be so ashamed of me. How many Novaks are addicts at this point? We already lost Jimmy and Chuck was gone before we were even old enough to know it. He was never there in the first place.”

“Having lost both of them is all the reason to try and get better. They would be heartbroken to lose you too. All it’ll take is going a little too hard one night. I would be devastated if something happened to you.”

The tears started to fall. Castiel closed his eyes and let it happen. “I think they already suspect me. Gabriel has started looking at me with these sad eyes. Michael wanted to know why I had so much wine at Thanksgiving. Claire has no idea, I hide it from her. She’s too young to notice the signs, I think.”

“I’ll be honest, you probably shouldn’t have her here until you’re doing better. Until you can go multiple nights without drinking, she shouldn’t stay here. If something happened at night and she needed to be driven somewhere, you wouldn’t be able to get behind the wheel.”

Castiel hiccuped, wiping his eyes. “I know. It scared me so much the last time she was here.”

Meg nodded and stood up, walking over to Castiel, squatting down beside his chair, and putting a hand on his knee. “I know you can get better. I won’t lie, it’s going to be really hard. That’s why you need help. I think you should find a good therapist and go to a doctor to figure out how to stop.”

The floodgates really opened when Meg touched Castiel. He started crying harder, unable to keep the tears and pain at bay anymore. Everything felt like it was crumbling around him and he was barely keeping his head above water. It really did feel like drowning. 

“I know. You can let it out,” Meg spoke in a soothing voice. Her harsh nature was gone, and she was just a caring friend. 

Castiel sobbed, wrapping his arms around his chest and letting out everything that he had been holding in for so long. His body shook and his hands trembled. It took several minutes before he finally started calming down. 

“Better?” Meg asked. 

Castiel nodded a little. “A little.”

“I know this is a heavy subject. Why don’t we watch a funny movie and take our minds off of it for now? I think you’ve had enough of talking about it.”

Castiel sighed and wiped his eyes on his shirt. “I think I have, yes.”

Meg stood up and took her place on the couch again. “You pick a movie. I’m up for anything.”

Castiel took another minute to fully calm down before turning the TV on and picking out a movie. He tucked his knees to his chest, curled up in his chair like an anxious child. His eyes were red from crying and he was still sniffling a little. He was glad that he had Meg there with him because he would be drinking himself to sleep already, given how he felt. 

The movie was a welcome distraction. Castiel calmed down fully and even relaxed a little. The itch started to come back, but he felt safe with another person there. If only he had another person with him every night, things might have been easier. There was a brief moment where Dean came to mind, a thought that Castiel immediately squashed. He refused to think about Dean that way. 

Then again, Dean would probably be very willing to stay with Castiel at night. He had already spent the night at Castiel’s place, even if it was an accident. Castiel wished that he could hold someone at night. The only person he had that would do that with him was Dean, which was an unfortunate reality for Castiel. Who would have guessed that the only person he’d have for physical affection was an ex that he should have nothing to do with?

Castiel started thinking about the first time they had hooked up. They had cuddled afterward, and it was nice. He loved holding Dean more than he’d like to admit. It was a warm feeling that spread through his chest and made everything in the outside world feel irrelevant. He wanted to have that feeling again. Maybe he could ask Dean if they could have more physical contact after sex again. He didn’t want to let down his walls, but maybe it was worth it for some comfort. 

When the movie ended, Meg left with a promise to return the next week. Castiel bid her goodbye and returned to his living room. He looked at his liquor cabinet in his kitchen and considered his options. 

After a conversation like that, he wanted to drink as much as he could until he passed out, but at the same time, he wanted to stop. He already had two shots of whiskey before Meg came, so it wasn’t like he was going cold turkey. He left the liquor cabinet alone and headed up to his room to sleep. 

He found that he was not very tired as he got into bed, so he pulled out his phone and played a stupid game that he downloaded a few days ago. Two hours passed, and the itch was getting much worse. Castiel put his phone down and tried to sleep, ignoring the horrid feeling that was taking over his body. He closed his eyes tightly and pulled the blankets close to his head. 

As the night progressed, Castiel tossed and turned, unable to sleep. His body started to tremble and he started to feel nauseous as if he had a hangover. He was restless and getting angry at himself for being unable to sleep. 

Hours passed and Castiel laid awake. He tried as hard as he could, but much to his dismay, his alarm went off. He turned it off and got out of bed, swaying as he stood. The itch had taken over his whole body, and he knew he was going into withdrawal. He briefly considered calling in sick so that he could finally get his hands on a drink, but he threw that thought away. He needed to hold out and quit drinking for good. 

He took his morning shower and got dressed. He fed his cat and skipped breakfast, his appetite gone. He had to shovel his driveway, so he didn’t have time to sit down and watch the news that morning. 

He drove into work and walked into the office, his head pounding and his body still shaking all over. He felt like he had been hit by a truck, and like he was going to fall asleep standing up. 

Dean got onto the elevator with Castiel. He frowned when he saw him, then quickly changed to a neutral, friendly expression. “Morning.”

“Good morning.” Somehow, Castiel’s voice was even more gravelly than usual.

Dean was quiet for a moment. He looked like he was debating what to say. “Hey, you good?”

“Why would you ask me that?”

“Um, just asking.”

Castiel huffed. “I’m fine.”

Dean nodded a little, clearly disappointed in his attempt to reach out. “You free tonight?”

“No.” There was no way Castiel could handle sex that night. It took too much energy, even if he wasn’t doing the work. He couldn't handle having Dean see him in the state he was in. 

Castiel walked out of the elevator and went straight to his office. He sat down in his chair and sighed, dragging his hands over his face. It was going to be a hard day. 

Around lunchtime, Castiel laid his head down on his desk and closed his eyes. He couldn’t even stand to be sitting up anymore. All he needed was just a few minutes to rest his head and then he would be fine. 

He startled awake when there was a loud knock at his door. He shot up and rubbed his face. “Come in!”

The door opened and Dean poked his head in. “Hey, the meeting started five minutes ago.”

Castiel’s eyes widened and he quickly stood up. “Sorry, lost track of time.”

Dean looked at him with sad puppy eyes, staring at him as Castiel walked closer. He looked like he wanted to say something so badly, but didn’t have the strength. 

Castiel walked right past him and made it into the conference room. His hands wouldn’t stop shaking, no matter how much he tried to hold them still. He was present for the meeting, but he didn’t speak up as much as he usually did. He just didn’t have the energy. 

After that meeting was over, he got a memo from Dean, asking Castiel to meet him in his office. He groaned and dragged his hands over his face. He really didn’t need any preachy bullshit from Dean. He sat there for a few minutes to contemplate how to respond before leaving his office and walking to Dean’s.

He knocked on the door a few times and heard a voice inside. 

“Come in.”

Castiel opened the door and stepped inside. “You wanted to see me?”

“Yeah, have a seat.” Dean gestured to the chairs in front of his desk. 

Castiel sat in the left chair and put on his professional gaze. “What did you want to talk about?”

“I need to know what’s going on with you today.”

Castiel sighed. “That seems a little personal, doesn’t it?”

“Not when it’s affecting your work. Looking at my screen, you’ve submitted nothing today, and I have reason to believe that you were sleeping at your desk.”

“As I said before, I just lost track of time and didn’t see that it was time for the meeting to start yet.” Castiel put his hands between his thighs to make them stop shaking. 

“I was knocking loudly on your door for several minutes before you finally responded. You had a line across your forehead, where it was probably resting against the desk.”

Castiel sighed, caught in his lie. “So, are you going to write me up?”

“No. I’m sending you home. Whatever’s going on, you should have called in sick today. You don’t need to be here. Fix yourself up, and come back when you’re ready.”

Castiel expected much harsher treatment after being caught sleeping on the job, but maybe that was from years with a major hard-ass as a boss. 

He nodded and stood up, willing his legs to stop trembling. “Will do.” He put his hand on the doorknob. 

“Castiel?”

He turned around and looked at Dean. 

“Please take care of yourself.”

Castiel couldn’t help but laugh a little, a sad little chuckle that didn’t even make him break a smile. “Believe me, I’m trying.” He left Dean’s office and made the walk of shame to his own office, and then out of the building. 

Driving back home, he felt like the biggest failure. He had done a good thing for himself and tried to quit doing something that was killing him, and all it did was bite him in the ass. He knew that recovery wasn’t supposed to be easy, but this just seemed...pointless. 

Castiel had a family that he cared about, and he knew that they were starting to worry about him, but it wasn’t enough. All he could think about as he drove home was how excited he was to bust open the hard liquor and finally drink his feelings away. 

In a sense, there was some relief in failure. It meant that he didn’t have to try anymore. There was no point if you already knew the end result. Castiel couldn’t make it twenty-four hours without alcohol. It gave him an intense feeling of hopelessness. Maybe Meg was wrong about him being able to get better. Maybe this was the rest of Castiel’s life: miserable, lonely, and hurting. 

When he got back to his house, he didn’t even change out of his work clothes. He went straight for the whiskey and knocked back a shot. He ditched the shot glass and drank straight from the bottle, finally scratching at the itch that had been torturing him all day. 

The rest of the day was a blur. He was drinking more than he had in months, drowning himself in liquor. He ate a small dinner and fed his cat before really going hard. He sat in front of the TV with some reality show playing while he drank his life away. Memories started to fade and things got even hazier. Soon it became too much and Castiel fell asleep in his chair, an empty whiskey bottle falling to the floor. 

~~~

####  **March 3, 2002**

Castiel had always been a little nervous about parties. He wasn’t super good in large crowds, and it was always too noisy. He had been to a few parties with Dean, but they usually didn’t stay long or do much except socialize and dance briefly to the music. 

Dean invited Castiel along to another large party, which Castiel was anxious about attending. It was the most popular kid’s birthday party, and it was set to be huge. His parents weren’t going to be home, and there was bound to be alcohol there. That idea was what made Castiel super nervous. 

He had watched alcohol destroy his father. It was an evil substance that he wanted nothing to do with. He had sworn years ago that he would never drink. He didn’t hate people who did, but he was afraid of what the alcohol would do to them. He feared that anyone who drank it could become like his father. For that reason, big high school parties made him incredibly nervous. 

Castiel picked Dean up from his house and kissed him once he was in the car. “How long are we staying?”

“As long as you want. If you hate it, we can leave.” Ever the caring boyfriend. Dean adjusted his leather jacket and hummed.

Castiel knew where the party was being held, so he didn’t need instructions as he drove. He swallowed his nerves and parked down the street behind a line of cars. 

“Wow. There are more people than I thought,” Dean said, getting out of the car and staring at the line of them. 

Castiel got out of the car and nodded. He was quiet, trying to calm himself. He wanted to have fun, it was just hard when there was something there that freaked him out. He calmed down a little more when Dean put a hand around his waist and started leading him towards the house. 

Inside, kids were packed through every room. It seemed that most of the school had been invited. Music boomed through large speakers in the living room and set a lively mood. 

Castiel looked around and saw people holding red solo cups and beer cans. He took a deep breath. No one was going to make him drink, and if they tried, he could just leave. Besides, Dean was there and he would back him up. 

“Come on, let’s socialize.” Dean led Castiel around the living room, greeting everyone he knew. Dean was much more popular than Castiel was, so he knew just about everyone. 

Being the only gay couple was hard at times. There were some assholes who treated them poorly, but most of the school didn’t really care. They weren’t super supportive, but they weren’t mean. All of the people Dean greeted knew about their relationship and they were cool with it. 

Castiel got caught up in a conversation with someone from his math class. He felt Dean squeeze his shoulder and whisper, “Be right back,” before leaving him there. Castiel continued his conversation without worry. He knew Dean wouldn’t abandon him, and besides, he was Dean’s ride. 

Castiel finished his conversation and looked around. He saw Dean walking back and smiled at him. His eyes moved to Dean’s hand and saw a beer can. His smile dropped a little and he felt his stomach turn. 

“Heya.” Dean paused. “You good?” He saw Castiel’s gaze on the beer in his hand. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m just going to have a few.”

Castiel nodded. “Okay.” He didn’t want to tell Dean that he couldn’t do something just for the sake of his anxiety, because it felt too controlling to him. Yes, it made him uncomfortable, and perhaps he should have been more clear, but he wanted Dean to have fun. 

Dean sipped his beer and bobbed his head a little to the beat of the music. He led Castiel around the party a little more, talking to everyone he knew. Castiel felt his nerves subsiding a little as they walked. Dean was fine, and he was nothing like Chuck. He wasn’t going to drink until he passed out on the sofa. He was just having a couple of beers and having fun. 

Castiel and Dean ended up on the back porch for a while. It was quieter and they could just sit and talk. A few others joined their conversation, and slowly, it became easier for Castiel to be around the drinking. He got more comfortable with it since the people immediately around him were only having a couple and just relaxing. If he were around the people that were getting extremely drunk, it might have been a different story. 

When Castiel went home that night, he brought Dean with him. They spent the night in Castiel’s bed, curled up together. Castiel felt like he had conquered a fear of his that night, and it gave him a lot of comfort. 

~~~

Castiel woke up at eleven am the next morning with the worst hangover he had ever felt. He fed his cat and stripped down to his boxers. He had to spend most of his morning in the bathroom kneeling in front of the toilet. Once that was over, he took ibuprofen for his headache and laid down on the couch to watch TV all day. Thank god it was Saturday, otherwise, it would have been a very bad day. 

Charlie texted Castiel in the afternoon and asked if he’d like to come over to her place. He had to politely decline to hide the state he was in. 

At five, he started drinking again. At that point, he had given up. He tried to be better and it didn’t work. He already knew the outcome of trying, so it was time to throw in the towel. Meg was wrong, he wasn’t able to get better. This was the rest of his life, and he was resigned to it. 


	14. Peeking Through the Cracks

Dean went into work and dreaded seeing Castiel. After how bad he looked on Friday, he didn’t want to know how much worse it could get. He partially hoped that he wouldn’t see Castiel on the elevator. What he really hoped for is for Castiel to call in sick to take time to feel better. Clearly, something had happened to him Thursday night, and he needed to recover from it, whatever it was. 

Dean breathed a small sigh of relief when he got on the elevator with several other employees and not Castiel. He didn’t even see him come in. He continued to his office and sat down in his chair, ready to start his day. He checked his memos and didn’t see one about Castiel calling in sick, so that meant that he was probably coming in. Dean hoped that he had spent the weekend recovering. 

Part of him wondered if it had something to do with his drinking. He could have had a really intense night on Thursday and he just had a nasty hangover on Friday. That was a solid theory in Dean’s eyes. Of course, he couldn’t confront Castiel about it. That would most certainly end in disaster. 

There was a meeting at eleven to go over the latest numbers, and Dean spotted Castiel at his usual spot in the conference room. He looked rough, but not nearly as bad as he did on Friday. He seemed tired, maybe even sadder than usual, but he didn’t look like the face of death itself anymore. 

Dean conducted the meeting and went through all of the questions everyone had. Castiel spoke a few times, but not as much as usual. Dean didn’t try to ask him anything more than he had to, not wanting to force him to do anything he didn’t want to do. 

After the meeting, it was time for Dean’s lunch. He had heard good things about a sandwich shop that was just across the street, so he decided that he wanted to give that a try. He put on his coat and left Sandover, walking through the ice and snow to the little shop. He slipped a little right before he got to the door and cursed Minneapolis for its awful winter. 

The interior of the shop was nice. He liked the contemporary art on the walls and the warm feeling the place gave. As he approached the counter, he spotted a familiar face at one of the tables. He saw Castiel sitting there with a redhead that he vaguely recognized. He made eye contact with Castiel and they stared at each other for a solid ten seconds. The redhead turned to look at what Castiel was staring at and looked at Dean. 

“Hey, you work at Sandover, right?” She asked. 

Dean nodded. “Uh, yeah.”

“And you know Castiel? You two are staring like you know each other.”

Castiel sighs. “Yes, this is my new boss.”

The redhead raised her brows, like she had suddenly remembered something. “Oh, I see. Well, why don’t you eat with us? We’d love to have you.” She grinned. 

Dean looked at Castiel, who had a pretty neutral expression on his face. “Sure.”

“Great! Oh, by the way, I’m Charlie. I work in IT.”

“Nice to meet you, Charlie. I’m Dean.” Dean smiled a little and walked up to the counter to order his food. 

Once he had his order in, he walked to the table with his water cup and sat down in the one free chair the table had, across from Castiel. 

Charlie leaned on the table and looked at Dean. “So, where are you from, Dean?”

“Originally I’m from Lawrence, Kansas but I lived in Austin, Texas for a long time before this.”

“Right, you and Castiel went to high school together, right?” She asked. 

Dean nodded, wondering just how much she knew about them. “Yeah, we did.”

Charlie smiles. “I’m glad you two are reunited. Hopefully, you can rekindle your friendship.”

Castiel glanced at the counter. “Your food is up, Charlie.”

“Oh!” Charlie left briefly and returned with a sandwich. “So, what kind of work did you do in Austin?”

“Same as here, really. Management with accounting. I worked my way up the ladder there and ended up with a job here, which was a pretty big promotion.”

“Nice. You like it so far?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. It’s similar to my old job, just with a slightly heavier workload and more to manage.”

“How do you like Minneapolis? It’s way colder than Austin, I’m sure.”

“Oh yeah, way colder. It’s probably a crisp sixty degrees in Austin right now. I never got much snow there either. It was dry and hot. I liked the heat. It was pretty brutal in the summer, but I didn’t mind. It was nice to cool off in a pool or just to walk around town. Austin is a cool, weird little part of Texas. It’s not as...yeehaw as the rest of Texas. Not that I mind the yeehaw. I actually think that stuff is cool.”

“I don’t think I’d make it in that kind of heat. I was born and raised here, so I’m used to the snow and the cold. I don’t particularly love the snow, but I’m used to seeing it for six months out of the year.” Charlie munched on her sandwich. 

Castiel got up and got his food off the counter before returning. He was awfully quiet, just allowing Charlie and Dean to speak. He started eating his lunch and stared at the table. 

Charlie nudged Castiel with her elbow. “You don’t talk about Chicago a lot. You lived there for a few years.”

Castiel shrugged. “It was pretty cold but not as cold as Minneapolis. It’s a pretty big city and it’s right on the lake, so there was a good bit of snow in the winter. The summers were pretty mild. It never got far into the nineties on the worst days of summer. It was nice to live near all of my brothers, I guess.”

Dean got up and picked up his food from the counter. He wondered what Castiel’s life was like in Chicago. He had a hard enough time getting him to talk about his life now, so this seemed like a rare chance to get some insight. “What brought you to Minneapolis?”

“The job. I got an offer from Sandover and I took it. Gabriel was trying to start his own business and he followed me here a few years later. Jimmy and Michael stayed in Chicago. They really liked it there. It wasn’t terribly far, so it was still easy to see one another every so often. I got to see Claire a lot once she was born and I kept up with her.”

Charlie swallowed a mouthful of food. “How is Claire?”

“She’s good. She’s doing better in school now. She has a few close friends that she hangs out with a lot, which is good for her. I’ll see her again around Christmastime. If Amelia goes on a New Years' trip again, I think Claire is staying with Gabriel this time.”

“How come? You always keep her.” Charlie tilted her head. 

Castiel shrugged. “She wants more time with Gabriel, so we’re going to try and take turns more often. Besides, she’s older now and doesn’t need constant supervision, so she'll be okay at Gabriel’s. The bakery doesn’t close all that late, so she won’t be alone for too long.”

Charlie nods. “Ah, I see. That makes sense.” 

Dean was really enjoying his sandwich and appreciated the suggestion from another one of the higher-ups from Sandover. “Gabriel seems like kind of a workaholic now. I didn’t expect that from him.”

“Well, he’s very passionate. He always has been. He gets very into what he’s doing and works very hard at it. When he was super into pranks, he was a workaholic trying to think up a new one every few days. When he finished school, he worked in a bakery for a few years and found a real passion for it. He learned everything he could about it, went to pastry school, and then took out a loan to open up his own bakery in Minneapolis. I technically own part of the bakery, since I loaned him some money when he was trying to open it. He paid me back years ago.”

“Well, good for him. I’m glad he’s found something he likes so much.” Dean decided not to mention how much Gabriel hated him in front of Charlie. She was being very friendly to him, so there was a good chance that she had no idea about their relationship and breakup. He didn’t want to burst that bubble. 

Charlie finished her sandwich and smiled at the two of them. “So, how has it been working together? I’m sure you’re excited to see one another after being apart for so long.”

Dean exchanged a look with Castiel and swallowed. “Um, it’s been good.”

Castiel nodded. “Dean’s a good boss, better than the old guy.”

Charlie scoffed. “It doesn’t take much to be better than him.”

Dean chewed the inside of his cheek. “What was he like?” He could see Castiel clamming up already. 

Charlie looked at Dean. “Major asshole. He yelled at everyone all the time. He liked to corner people in the breakroom and chew them out. He made grown men cry for no good reason. Business was great with him, but only because everyone was terrified of him. No one had the guts to report him to HR.”

“I heard he physically assaulted an employee.”

Charlie nodded. “Oh yeah, he did. That got him fired. The company tried to promote Castiel to his position, but he turned it down.”

Dean blinked and looked at Castiel. “Really? Why?”

“I like the position I’m in now, and at the time I felt that I couldn’t handle a management position that high up. I’d probably give the same answer now. It’s just too much for me.”

Dean nodded. Part of him was glad for that turn of events because it led Dean back into Castiel’s life. 

Charlie checked her watch. “Well, break time is almost over. How about we head on back to work?”

Castiel nodded and stood up, picking up his trash and taking it to the trash can at the front of the restaurant. 

Charlie looked up at Dean. “You’ll have to join us again one day. This was fun.”

“I’d love to.” Dean smiled and glanced at Castiel, who still had a neutral expression. 

He walked with the pair back across the street to Sandover. They rode in the elevator together. Charlie exited the elevator before Castiel and Dean, just a few floors below them. Dean didn’t try to speak to Castiel in the elevator, afraid that he would be angry about Dean joining his lunch. 

He walked to his office and got back to work, feeling refreshed. He wondered if Castiel was free that night, but he was too nervous to ask after their encounter at the sandwich place. He felt like he had to tiptoe on ice around Castiel to keep from setting him off. He was like a ticking time bomb of angst. 

Dean left work that evening and picked up Chinese food on his way back. He was walking into his apartment when he got a text from Castiel, asking if he wanted to come over. Dean grinned to himself, pleased that he didn’t have to ask. He agreed and hurried inside so that he could eat and get going. 

He sat on his couch once he had changed into comfortable clothes and ate his food with a fork since he never could figure out chopsticks. He knew how to stab his food with the chopsticks and eat it that way, but that was cheating. 

Dean finished his dinner and walked out to the parking deck. He got into Baby and started her up. As he began the drive, he started to wonder what he could say to Castiel. Despite how poorly it had gone in the past, he still wanted to try and get through to him. He clearly needed help in some way. Maybe Dean wasn’t the right person to be giving it, but he had to try. If Dean could convince him to go to someone else, he’d consider that a success. 

He arrived at Castiel’s place thirty-five minutes after leaving. He hated the traffic getting there, but it was worth it for the company, and admittedly, the sex. He’d drive for an hour to have that kind of sex. 

After knocking on Castiel’s door, he waited for a minute or so before Castiel answered the door. 

“Hey.” Dean walked inside and watched as Castiel closed the door behind himself. 

“Hello,” Castiel responded. 

“I hope it wasn’t too weird that I joined you and your friend for lunch. I didn’t want to be rude by saying no.”

“I know. Charlie is very friendly and likes everyone. I’m not surprised that she invited you.”

Dean nodded and hung his leather jacket on the rack. He felt Loki rubbing up against his legs and squatted down to pet him. As he pet Loki, he started thinking about what had happened on Friday. He wondered what had caused Castiel to look so awful and to fall asleep at his desk. He knew he had made the right choice by sending Castiel home, but it meant that things felt a little awkward now. 

He didn’t even realize how long he had been petting the cat before Castiel spoke. 

“You must really like my cat.”

Dean looked up. “Yeah, he’s the only cat I can actually pet, I guess.”

“Just don’t touch your face after you pet him. You’ll still get a reaction if you do.” Castiel leaned against the wall, chewing his lip. He looked like he wanted to say something. 

“You okay?” Dean asked. 

Castiel sighed. “I’m sorry about Friday. To tell you the truth, I couldn’t sleep the night before. I pulled an all-nighter and thought I could make it through the workday. I should have called in sick. I’m reluctant to do so since I’m pretty dedicated to my job. My brothers call me a workaholic because I didn’t use a single vacation day this year. The only days I missed were when I had the flu back in February.”

“Hey, I get it. I don’t like to call in sick, either. Just make sure you do whenever stuff like that happens. I’d rather you stay home and work it out than come in and make it worse.” Dean was curious as to why Castiel didn’t sleep, but he didn’t ask. That seemed too personal. 

“I appreciate you not yelling at me or writing me up. I probably deserved it.”

“No one deserves to be yelled at by their boss. As for the write-up, as long as it doesn’t become a regular thing, I’m not going to write you up.” Dean stood up when Loki walked away from him to hop into the chair and curl up. 

“It won’t happen again.” Castiel sighed and loosened his tie. He was still in his suit, which was different than usual. “Ready to go upstairs?”

“Ready.”

~~~

####  **June 28th, 2002**

Castiel visited Dean’s house regularly, and vice versa. They saw each other every weekday at school and visited one another’s houses nearly every day. They spent most weekends together and often spent the night. Because of this, Dean was pretty close with Castiel’s brothers, and Castiel was pretty close with John and Sam. 

It had been some time since Castiel had sat down to eat dinner with John and Sam. He had mostly been going out to eat with Dean or eating take out in Dean’s bedroom. Dean didn’t realize that this was the case until John mentioned it to him. 

“When is Cas going to eat dinner with us again? I haven’t gotten to talk to him in a long time.”

Dean looked at his dad and blinked in surprise. “I guess he can tonight. He’s coming over in a few minutes.”

“If he wants to, tell him to eat with us. I’m making sloppy joes for dinner.” John disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Dean in the living room. 

Dean turned his attention back to the TV, wondering how dinner was going to go. Sam usually asked him a ton of questions, and he knew that John would want updates on Castiel’s life. It had been a long time since Dean had filled him in. 

A few minutes later, Castiel arrived at the house. Dean heard him knock on the door and immediately got up to answer it. He opened the door and smiled at his boyfriend. 

While he had kept a lot of his alternative style, Castiel had cut his hair, which meant that the blue was cut off. He had gotten sick of having hair in his face and wanted a fresh look. He still had wild hair that stuck up in certain spots, but he didn’t straighten it anymore. It was a look for a while, but he was back to how he looked before. 

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel smiled and kissed Dean’s cheek. “What’s the plan for tonight?”

“Well, my dad wants you to have dinner with us. He said that he’s making sloppy joes.”

“Oh, alright. That’s fine with me.” Castiel walked into the house and started heading back towards Dean’s room. 

Dean led the way to his room and closed the door once they were there. “How’s it going at home?”

“It’s alright. Everyone is just doing their thing, I guess. Gabriel put flour in my hairdryer last night, so I had to wash my hair twice.”

Dean laughed and shook his head. “You think he’s going to grow out of his prank phase?”

“I sure hope so.” Castiel sat down on Dean’s bed and smiled up at him. “How about you? How’s Sam?”

“He’s good. He’s his usual whiz kid self. He’s excited about starting eighth grade in the fall. He spends most of his time reading. I wish he’d make a few more friends, but it’s hard for him. He feels pretty out of place at school sometimes. Some kids are mean to him, which pisses me off. If I wouldn’t get in trouble for it, I’d beat up some middle schoolers.”

“He’ll find himself. He’s young and still figuring everything out. Hell, I still haven’t really found myself yet.”

“I don’t think I have either. It’s gotten easier since middle school, but I still feel like I have a long way to go, you know?”

Castiel nodded. “I know what you mean. Having you helps a lot. I feel like you make me a better version of myself. You’ve helped me find so much confidence. I feel way more sure of myself than I did before I met you.”

Dean kissed Castiel’s cheek with a soft smile. “I love you so much. You’ve made me feel like the happiest guy in the world. I can’t wait to see where we go together.”

Castiel hugged Dean tightly and buried his face in his neck. “I love you too.”

They stayed there for a few minutes, just holding one another and exchanging soft kisses. After a while, they moved to the floor to play some Smash Bros before dinner. 

John called out for everyone to come to the kitchen some time later. Castiel and Dean finished their game quickly and left the room to head to the kitchen. Sam and John were already sitting down and waiting when they arrived. 

Castiel waved a little as he arrived. “Hello. Thanks for dinner.”

“Anytime, Cas. We’re glad to have you.”

Dean sat down at the table and started eating. He glanced across the table and saw Sam turning to look at Castiel. 

“Do you want to marry Dean?”

Castiel swallowed his mouthful of food. “Um, we’re a little young for that, and it’s illegal.”

“Why?” Sam asked. 

“I don’t know. Lots of people don’t agree with gay couples,” Castiel answered simply. He was always so tolerant of Sam’s curiosity.

“I think it should be legal. You two should get married. You’re perfect together.”

Castiel smiled a little. “I think we are too.”

John looked across the table at Castiel. “How’s Michael doing?”

“He’s alright. He’s still working full time and he has his college classes online. He’s talking about moving out to Chicago in a few years. We have a few family members there, and there’s a bigger job market. Michael is going into business, so a big city would be a better place to find a job.”

“He sounds like he has a lot on his plate. He’s a good older brother,” John said, a polite smile on his face. “How about your other brothers? What are they up to?”

Castiel took another bite of his sandwich and swallowed. “Well, Jimmy is still dating Amelia. They’re a good couple. They’ve actually talked about getting married right out of high school, which is crazy to me. He still makes perfect grades and has tons of friends. Gabriel is still in his pranking phase. He messes with us constantly. I told Dean earlier that he put flour in my hairdryer this morning. The other day, he duct-taped my door closed. I had to yell for help after trying to pull it open for five minutes.”

Sam laughed. “Once, Dean put superglue on my toothbrush and it got stuck to my hand.”

Dean laughed as well, remembering their last prank war. “You got me back with the itching powder.”

Sam grinned. “We should have another prank war.”

“As long as no one gets hurt and there’s no damage to the house, have at it,” John said, taking another bite of his food. 

Castiel smiled and continued. “Gabriel has gotten really into baking. He’s always liked it, but now he makes multiple things a week. He made macarons and cannolis this week. He’s trying to come up with his own recipes for things too. He made a really awesome cake about a week ago. He wants to find a job at a bakery once he’s old enough so that he can learn more.”

“Well, good for him. I’m glad he’s found something that he’s passionate about.” John finished his dinner and focused on talking. “How about you? What colleges are you looking at?”

“Oh, well, I want to go to the University of Chicago, so I can be close to my brothers when they all move there.”

John nodded and smiled. “That’s a good school.”

Dean swallowed, knowing his own college choices. They had never discussed the fact that they were looking at schools that were so far away.

“Dean was looking at the University of Texas. We visited Austin last year and really liked it,” John said, smiling at his son without realizing the tension he was causing. 

Castiel nodded a little, clearly thinking the same thing as Dean. 

John looked at the two of them. “Hey, don’t stress about going to different colleges. We have Skype now and you can visit each other over the holidays and on your school breaks. Go to whatever school works for you.”

Castiel gave an uncomfortable nod. “That’s the plan, I think.”

“Yeah, I guess it is.” Dean and Castiel looked at each other, and their brains were on the same wavelength.

They had spent nearly every day together since they became a couple. If they went to their colleges of choice, they would have to go months without seeing one another. How were they supposed to maintain a relationship through that? Long-distance was nearly unheard of to them. It only happened in movies and the people always ended up moving across the country for one another.

Suddenly, things weren’t so perfect for them anymore with the looming threat of college. 

~~~

Dean laid down on the bed beside Castiel, still trying to catch his breath. He wiped the sweat off of his forehead and let out a long sigh, pleased with how everything had gone. 

Castiel was laying down beside him, staring up at the ceiling and watching the ceiling fan spin. He looked peaceful and sated, his gaze softened and his face relaxed. 

Dean looked at Castiel, closer to his face than he expected. He noticed something that he hadn’t before. On Castiel’s forehead, there was a faint scar that ran up into his hairline. It was still a little pink, so it couldn’t have been more than a year old. 

Dean rolled onto his side, looking at the scar. “What’s that scar from?”

“What scar?” Instantly, Castiel’s face hardened again. 

“The one on your forehead, right there.” Dean poked the scar gently. 

Castiel made a face. “It’s nothing. Even if it was something, it’s none of your business.”

“Fine.” Dean huffed, laying back down on his back. He started to relax again, then startled when Castiel moved closer to him. “What are you doing?”

“I know you want to. Come on.” Castiel held his arms out to Dean. 

Dean stared in shock, but he wasn’t about to question that. He shifted into Castiel’s arms and laid his head on his chest. “What’s with the change of heart?”

“You looked lonely laying there by yourself.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t seem to care before.”

Castiel shrugged without answering. 

Dean laid there and closed his eyes, listening to Castiel’s heartbeat. The contact was making his heart sing with joy. After weeks of laying there by himself after sex, this was glorious.

“I don’t really feel much like talking, but you’re welcome to talk if that’s what you want,” Castiel said quietly. 

Dean glanced up at his face before laying his head back down. “I was going to ask you about your old boss. It sounds like he was really awful to you.”

Castiel sighed. “He was. He was my boss for about ten years.”

“Why did you put up with him for so long?”

“I don’t know. I liked my job except for the parts that involved him. It was fine when I was just an accountant, but when I got promoted to senior accountant a few years ago, that’s when it got bad.” Castiel stopped talking for a moment. “What were your bosses like in Austin?”

“Pretty good, all of them, really. One of them ended up not liking me because she got transferred to another position and I got promoted to her job. That was about it when it came to the bad. Austin was a good place for me. I’m glad I spent a lot of time there, and sometimes I wish I could go back.”

“Why don’t you? In a couple of years, you could easily find a job back in Austin. Why did you leave if you liked it so much?”

Dean swallowed. He could air out his dirty laundry in front of Castiel, maybe it would help to get through to him, but the idea was too scary. “I just needed a change of scenery, I guess. It was nice for a long time, but I was ready to be somewhere else. I guess I needed a fresh start.”

Castiel paused, then nodded. “If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to. It’s your story to tell.”

Dean let out a small sigh of relief. He started to understand why Castiel wasn’t telling him anything. It was so hard to talk about his own issues, why did he expect Castiel to have an easy time with it?

“I’m going downstairs now. You can stay here as long as you need as long as you don’t fall asleep.”

Dean got off of Castiel and stretched. “I should go ahead and hit the road. It’s dark and snowing.”

“Is it?” Castiel looked out the window as he put his robe on. “Looks like it just started. You should leave right now before it gets bad.”

“Will do.” Dean put his clothes back on and tied his shoes. He walked downstairs and grabbed his jacket off the rack. “See you at work tomorrow.”

Castiel nodded, grabbing a bottle of gin out of the cabinet. He waved without saying anything.

Dean knew that he hadn’t gotten through to Castiel yet, but they were certainly starting to warm up. That was the most friendly conversation they had since they reunited. It gave him hope that maybe, he could be friendly enough with Castiel to help him one day. 


	15. Crumbling Down

Castiel felt a little weird after cuddling with Dean. It was better than he expected, and it left this warm feeling in his chest that he couldn’t fight. It was sweet and right. He wanted more, but there was another part of his brain that was fighting that feeling. He felt as if he didn’t deserve to feel that good, especially with how he had been acting lately. 

Dean had seemed so shocked that Castiel wanted to cuddle after sex. He didn’t look like he believed him. The look on his face made Castiel feel bad for denying it for so long, but at the same time, he couldn’t do it. It made everything feel too real, which was what was scaring him about that night.

There was no denying it anymore, he was developing feelings for Dean. They were strong, just as strong as they were when they were teenagers. It hurt more this time because Castiel knew that he could never have him again, not after what had happened. The heartbreak was too severe and he couldn’t take it again. 

It was Tuesday, so he was visiting Gabriel at the bakery again. He spent the whole day at work thinking about it, because he knew that Gabriel was going to say something. The last few times he had seen him, he looked so sad when he looked at Castiel. He clearly wanted to say something, to reach out, but he was scared. Castiel knew that he had every reason to be scared because when it came to this subject, Castiel had a mean temper. 

After work, Castiel put on gloves and a beanie before venturing out into the cold to walk to the bakery. It was nearly dark outside already, much to his dismay. He trekked through the salted sidewalks all the way to the bakery. 

He walked inside and pulled his hat and gloves off, stuffing them into his trench coat pocket. He didn’t see Gabriel behind the counter, so he just sat down at their usual table and texted him to let him know he was there. 

A few minutes later, Gabriel emerged from the back, apron covered in flour. He didn’t smile quite as big when he looked at Castiel, and he seemed to be looking him over for something. Castiel felt a little exposed by that and already felt his temper rising. 

Gabriel sat down across from Castiel and folded his arms over the table. “How are you?”

“I’m fine. You?”

“I’m great.” Gabriel smiled a little. “So, update me. How’s work? How’s Meg?”

“Why are you asking about Meg?” Castiel tilted his head.

Gabriel shrugged. “I dunno. Just curious.”

“You’ve met her once.”

“Yeah, and she was really cool.” Gabriel crossed his arms with a look on his face that spoke a thousand words. 

Castiel’s jaw dropped a little. “You like her!”

Gabriel held up his arms in self-defense. “Hey, she’s my age, she’s hot, she’s got a killer attitude, and you’re going to say that she’s not my type?”

Castiel was going to say something, then he closed his mouth. Gabriel was right, she was his type. He wasn’t sure how well a relationship between them would go, but maybe it was an avenue to explore. 

“Maybe you should ‘accidentally’ invite both of us over at the same time, and then you remember that you have to do something upstairs, leaving us alone.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “How obvious would that be? That’s lame and convoluted. I’ll just bring her here and you can ask for her number.”

Gabriel scrunched his brows and thought for a moment. “Yeah, that’s a much better plan than what I had in mind.”

Castiel chuckled. “I can’t believe you like her. I’ll be honest, I see you two working together, but we’ll just have to see if she’s interested in you.”

“Has she ever said anything about me?”

“No, but we don’t really ever talk about you.”

“Bummer, I’m a blast to talk about.” Gabriel grinned. “So, back to you. What’s going on?”

“Nothing much. Work is the same as usual. Loki is doing good. It’s cold enough that he’s stopped running outside whenever I open the door. He’s smart enough to know that it’s a stupid idea to run into the cold.”

“Especially since he has no hair to stay warm. I do question the intelligence of that cat sometimes. Remember when he would run in circles around the couch for no reason?”

“He was just a kitten getting out kitten energy. They do stuff like that all the time.”

“Right.” Gabriel’s face looked a little more solemn. “Look, can you be a little more honest with me about how you’re doing? I can see you and you’re not yourself. Our conversations used to be much more lively and now it’s like talking to a cardboard cut-out of you.”

“What do you mean by that?” Castiel bristled, his temper rising. 

“I mean, you don’t look like yourself, and you’re not as happy as you used to be. I think everyone can tell. I see you every week and you look a little worse every time I see you.”

“I’m fine, there’s nothing more to it. You just see me after work, when I’m tired.”

“Come on, Cassie, you never used to look like this after work. Something changed this year.”

Castiel huffed. “Why don’t you just mind your own damn business?” His voice was sharper than he intended. 

“Whoa, okay, I’m not trying to make you upset. I’m just trying to understand what’s going on with you.”

“Well, you’re not helping.”

“Then tell me how to help.”

Castiel glared. “No.”

“Castiel, I’m your brother and I love you. All I want is for you to be happy. We’ve already lost mom, Chuck, and Jimmy. I feel like I’m going to lose you too. You’re draining away right in front of my eyes.”

“You must need to get your vision checked then because I look fine. I’ve been acting fine, and there’s no reason to worry about me.” Castiel crossed his arms over his chest, a frown etched into his face. 

“Come on, you can’t really believe that, can you? Please, Cassie. I’m just trying to help.”

“I don’t need your help.”

“Yes, you do. If you’re not letting me help, then I know you’re not letting anyone in. You have to reach out when things get bad, or we’re going to lose you.” Gabriel leaned on the table, moving closer to Castiel. 

“What, you think I’m going to die or something?”

“I don’t know what to think! All I know is that my brother is slipping away right in front of me and he’s not letting anyone help! I don’t know what’s going on or what’s causing this, but it has to stop before I lose you forever.” 

Castiel’s temper hit a breaking point. “I’m not stopping shit! Mind your own damn business and leave me the hell alone!” He shoved his chair back and started storming out of the building. 

“Castiel!”

He ignored Gabriel’s call and threw the door open, stomping out into the cold and leaving his little brother alone. 

The whole way back to his car, he was fuming. He was so mad that he forgot to put on his gloves and his hat, so he had wet hair and numb fingertips when he reached his car. He cursed and turned his car on, rubbing his hands together to bring feeling back into them. 

He finally started to settle down once he was about halfway home. The guilt started eating at him again, and part of him wanted to call Gabriel and apologize for his outburst. A bigger part of him told him to stay quiet and go home to drink until he passed out. To his broken brain, that seemed like a better idea. 

Castiel fed Loki before busting out the liquor. He didn’t bother with his own dinner, he wasn’t hungry anyway. He dropped in front of the couch and started drinking to numb the guilt and sorrow that was eating him alive. 

He couldn’t believe that he was pushing Gabriel away, of all people. Gabriel was his closest brother and he loved him dearly, so seeing him so hurt made Castiel’s heart ache. He knew that he was starting to hurt the people around him instead of just himself. He thought that he would draw the line there, but he just couldn’t. He didn’t care enough to try anymore. 

His conversation with Meg seemed pointless now. He wanted to go ahead and cancel their meeting for this week so that she didn’t see how bad it had gotten in the past few days. She was the only one Castiel had even started to open up to and she seemed to be the only one that he was listening to, even if it was just a little. 

Castiel fell asleep in his chair for a few hours, then woke up and drank some more. He couldn’t even tell what was on TV, not that he cared. All he wanted was the background noise so that the silence wouldn’t swallow him whole. He wasn’t checking the time, and frankly, he didn’t care to. All he wanted was to keep drowning his sorrows in liquor. 

When he finally checked his phone, it was six am. He panicked a little and stopped drinking, stumbling upstairs to go to bed to sleep off the alcohol before he had to be awake in an hour. 

He laid down and fell asleep fairly easily, curled up in bed with Loki sleeping at his feet. 

His alarm went off in the morning, and he expected to wake up with a massive hangover. He sat up and realized that he felt somewhat fine. He was about to celebrate until he realized why he felt fine. He was still drunk. His stomach turned and panic set in. He was behind, he couldn’t miss work. He wasn’t thinking clearly, so he got up and started getting ready for work. 

His sober mind would have told him to call in sick and sleep it off, but he was drunk. Clear thoughts were not a part of the equation anymore. 

A shower made him feel a little better, and he kept telling himself that he would be fine. He went about his normal morning routine. He ate his breakfast, fed his cat, and checked to make sure that he looked normal in the mirror. He didn’t look great, but at least he didn’t feel like shit. 

Even in his drunken state, he was smart enough to know not to drive. He ordered an Uber to work to stay safe and keep from harming anyone else on the road. That may have been the only rational and sane thought he was having at the time. 

He arrived at work and went straight to his office. He could feel that he was starting to sober up a little, so he wasn’t worried. He didn’t have any meetings until after lunch, so he would be clear-headed by then. 

Despite being drunk, he managed to do his work. He had been at the job for so long that he worked like a robot, cranking out numbers like it was nothing. It even seemed a little easier to do without a hangover. He was feeling more confident in himself even as he started to sober up. No one bothered him, and he was able to get everything done in a timely manner. 

It was lunchtime when things went south. Castiel had sobered up and his hangover was setting in. He felt his stomach churn and he knew that he had to get to the bathroom quickly. He had a meeting in twenty minutes so he had to get it out of his system.

He booked it to the bathroom and made it just in time before he emptied his guts into the bowl. There wasn’t much to throw up other than his breakfast, since he had skipped dinner the previous night. 

Castiel spent nearly ten minutes in the bathroom before he felt good enough to leave. He splashed water on his face and looked at his teary eyes in the mirror. He sniffled, the burning sensation in his nose made it twitch. He looked even worse than he did when he came in, but he was hanging in there. 

He popped some ibuprofen for his headache that was setting in and went to his meeting. He made eye contact with Dean briefly and offered him a professional nod. He knew that Dean would be the one to catch on if anyone did, but now, Castiel could just say he had a hangover. He wouldn’t be lying if he did. 

After the meeting, Castiel retreated to his office to finish his work for the day. He felt like shit, but he was determined to finish the day strong. He had to make himself look perfectly productive to keep any kind of suspicion off of him. 

The workday ended and Castiel sagged and sighed with relief. He packed up his things and left the office building to wait outside for an Uber. He felt successful, despite the guilt that was pooling in his stomach. He never thought he’d be the kind of person to show up to work drunk, but there he was. He tried not to think about the guilt at that moment. He just tried to be relieved that he wasn’t caught.

“What are you doing out here?”

Castiel turned around and saw Dean standing there behind him. Shit. 

“Oh, just...waiting for my Uber.”

“You took an Uber here? Why?” Dean asked, shoving his hands into his coat pockets to shield them from the cold. 

“Um, car trouble. My car wasn’t starting, so I got an Uber.”

“Oh.” Dean smiled a bit. “You know, I could check it out for you. Why don’t we walk just a few blocks down to my apartment and I can drive you home and check out your car. We can hang out afterward if you want.”

Castiel bit the inside of his cheek, digging himself out of the hole that he had created. “I had someone come out and fix it while I was at work, so it’s fine, you don’t have to do that.”

“Oh, well I can still give you a ride home. I know Uber isn’t cheap.”

Castiel swallowed. He could turn Dean down, after all, they had seen each other the day prior, but he was so afraid of Dean finding out what he did today. He had to act as normal as possible. “That would be nice, thanks.” He pulled out his phone and canceled his ride. 

Dean smiled a little. “I’ll lead the way.” 

Castiel nodded and took his beanie out of his pocket, pulling it over his head to keep warm. He kept his gloved hands in his pockets as he walked behind Dean. The cold weather felt like it was punishing him for what he had done. The wind nipped at his nose and made his cheeks glow red. 

Dean led Castiel to the parking deck of his apartment and got into the driver’s seat of the impala. 

Castiel got into the passenger seat and buckled himself in. “Do you drive this car at all?”

“I do. On the weekends I like to go on long drives to the middle of nowhere. It’s peaceful and it helps me unwind after the workweek.”

“That’s nice.” Castiel rested his head on his fist and closed his eyes. His head was pounding and he wanted to either be drunk or asleep. 

“Hey, you good? You were quiet today.”

“Yeah. just a rough night sleeping,” Castiel said, knowing it wasn’t a lie. He didn’t get a lot of sleep the previous night with his binge drinking.

“Sorry to hear that.” Dean drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. He didn’t have his GPS on, so Castiel assumed that he had learned the way to Castiel’s house by now. Part of him thought that it was sweet, another part thought it was scary that Dean was that close to him. 

They were quiet during the drive. Dean’s classic rock tapes played softly and drowned out the sound of the traffic all around them. It was soothing enough that Castiel nearly fell asleep on the way there. 

He opened his eyes and they were parking in his driveway. He rubbed his face and got out of the car, quickly walking to the door to get inside. The wind was whipping around viciously, blowing around the nearly dead tree branches and rustling the pines. 

Dean followed him inside and Castiel let him in, knowing where this was going. As much as he had hidden from Dean, he felt the most guilty about lying about this. Dean was his boss, and he had really fucked up at work today. What he had done could get him fired, so there was no way that he could ever come clean, even if he wanted to. 

Dean took his coat off and hung it on the rack. “So, something easy today? You seem pretty tired.”

Castiel thought for a moment. “No, I have an idea. I’m not super tired, just a little sleepy, that’s all.” He hung up his own coat. “How would you feel about me riding you?”

Dean’s face lit up cherry red and he coughed. “That-um...I’d like that.”

Castiel let out a puff of air through his nose, an attempt at a laugh. “Let’s get to it then.”

Dean followed Castiel up the stairs like an excited puppy. He was already taking his suit coat off and loosening his tie. “I’ll be honest, I’ve wanted to ask for this for a while.”

“Why didn’t you?” Castiel asked, starting to undress once he reached his bed. 

“You’re kind of intimidating, man. I didn’t think you’d like it if I asked for anything.”

Castiel scoffed. “I am not intimidating. You should have asked sooner if that’s what you wanted. This is a mutual agreement. We have done a lot of things that I have wanted, so we should do things that you want too.”

Dean set his clothes as neatly as he could on the floor as he undressed. “Oh. Well in that case, could you go slow? Like, torturously slow. Drag it out for as long as we can stand it.”

Castiel raised a brow. “I think you’re underestimating my patience.”

“Maybe, but I want to test myself.”

Castiel nodded and stepped out of his pants and boxers. “Your funeral.” He managed a small grin. It had been the first time he had tried to smile in a while. 

Dean crawled onto the bed and laid back. “If this is how I go, it’ll be a good death.”

Castiel climbed onto the bed and straddled Dean’s thighs. He ran his hands down Dean’s sides and to his hips, holding them briefly. “Maybe I should get you more...prepared, before I ride you.”

Dean’s eyes widened a little. “So what, you’re going to tease me for a while?”

“Sounds like a good plan to me.”

“I’ve uncaged a monster, haven’t I?”

Castiel met Dean’s eyes. “Oh, you have no idea.” Now that he had permission to torture Dean a little, he was going to take it and run with it. 

Dean shifted a little on the bed, but he seemed excited. He rested his hands under his head, seemingly to keep from doing anything with them. 

Castiel began with a slow handjob. He stopped making eye contact with Dean and focused on the task at hand. He stroked Dean slowly, taking his sweet time to work him up. 

Dean seemed to realize just how long this was going to take. His toes curled and he let his head fall back against the pillow in resignation. Soft moans escaped his lips as he was touched, filling the heavy silence of the room. 

After a few minutes of slow movements, Castiel took his hand off and started running his finger up and down the shaft, teasing under the head. He hid a grin as Dean started to squirm. “Impatient already?”

“Can you blame me? I’ve spent the last hour or so thinking about having sex with you. I’m pretty ready to go.”

“I think you can wait much, much longer.” The thoughts of Castiel’s hangover were gone. The itch to drink was less awful as well. There was something about Dean’s presence that calmed him significantly. Maybe it was the sex on his mind, but the itch usually wasn’t as bad after sex either. He drank after sex out of habit and to avoid the itch, but if he stayed with Dean, maybe he could go longer without drinking. 

He snapped back into his head, pulling himself out of those thoughts. He went back to the task at hand. He had a question. “Did you ever get tested?”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, I’m clean. I can show you the results on my phone.”

“I trust you. I’m clean too, just so you know.”

Dean’s eyes were huge. “You did not just say that you trust me.”

“I trust you to not give me an STI. I trust you to be my boss. There are other things I wouldn’t trust you with, but those aren’t an issue right now.” 

Dean blinked in surprise. “What things wouldn’t you trust me with?”

Castiel paused. “Well, a relationship, for starters.”

“Is that what’s holding you back?”

Castiel scowled. “What are you trying to say? You already know that I have no interest in a relationship with you.” He knew it was a lie now, but he had to hold his ground. 

“Nothing! Sorry, forget I said it. Let’s just get back to what we were doing.”

“Right.” Castiel scooted back. “I asked if you were clean because I wanted to do this.” He leaned down and licked a stripe up Dean’s cock, slowing down and dragging his tongue over the head. 

Dean’s body jumped a little and he moaned deeply, sinking into the bed. “Holy shit, Cas...tiel.” He quickly corrected himself when he realized that he used the nickname. 

Castiel didn’t say anything about it and continued his slow, methodical torture of Dean. He used his tongue to tease him and his hand to slowly stroke him. He wanted to be at this for a long time so that when it came time for him to ride Dean, he’d be so wound up that he’d put on a spectacular show. 

It was a good while later when he started to show a little mercy. Dean had started whining and his thighs were closed around Castiel’s chest, holding him tightly. Castiel licked his lips and looked at Dean to survey the results of his actions. He decided that Dean wasn’t wound up enough, so he took his whole cock into his mouth. 

Dean gasped and grabbed the bars of the headboard. “God, you’re gonna kill me here.”

Castiel took note of the fact that Dean wasn’t touching his head. Maybe he was afraid to. In all honesty, Castiel didn’t really want Dean to touch his head. He looked pretty with his arms over his head too. 

Castiel bobbed his head and hollowed his cheeks, giving this blowjob his all. Dean’s moans were music to his ears. He was even grinning to himself a little bit. This was the most fun he’d had all year. 

Dean panted softly. “If you don’t stop, this is going to end a lot sooner than you want it to.”

Castiel pulled off and smiled a little. “Perfect, then I have you where I want you.” Just for fun, he ran a single finger over Dean’s sensitive cock, making him squirm. 

“Come on, hurry up,” Dean panted. 

“I thought you wanted this to be torturously slow. We haven’t been at it that long.”

“Okay, maybe I am a little impatient.”

“A little?” Castiel smirked. 

Dean looked at Castiel and tilted his head. “You’re smiling.”

The smirk dropped. “Why does that matter?”

“I dunno. I just haven’t seen you do it much.”

Castiel shrugged. “It’s not a big deal.” He sat up and straddled Dean’s thighs. “Do you mind passing me the lube?”

Dean nodded and reached into the drawer on the bedside table. He grabbed the lube and handed it to Castiel. He looked stunned. Maybe it was the sex, or maybe it was seeing Castiel smile. Either way, it was weird. 

Castiel knocked the stunned look off of Dean’s face with another slow handjob. “You’ll have to forgive me, it’s been a while for me. I might not be very good at this.”

“I don’t care as long as it happens.” Dean stared up at Castiel like he had hung the moon and stars. The stare made Castiel’s heart do something weird in his chest. It swelled and it felt warm. He squashed the feeling by looking away and turning his focus to himself. 

He was telling the truth, it had been a long time since he had done this. He hadn’t even done anything to himself in well over a year, so he knew that there was going to be a learning curve. 

Castiel was pretty good with his hands, so while he prepped himself, he gave Dean a slow handjob. He kept his head turned to the side so that he didn’t have to see Dean staring at him. Whatever that warm feeling was in his chest, it scared him and he wasn’t ready to face it. 

“You okay?” Dean’s voice was breathless, but he sounded like his usual caring self. 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Castiel glanced at Dean. The stare was gone and he just had a curious look on his face. 

“You just seemed like you freaked out for a second there. You’ve been a little freaked out all evening. Actually, all day. Did something happen?”

Castiel swallowed. He stopped what he was doing because it felt weird to have a conversation while giving a handjob. He decided to tell a half-truth. “I had a fight with Gabriel last night. It was stupid and it has me frazzled.”

“Oh. Sorry to hear it. I hope you two work it out.”

“We will.” Castiel sighed. “Now, let’s stop talking and get back to what we were doing.”

“Yeah, okay.” Dean let out a soft breath when Castiel started touching him again. 

Castiel didn’t need much more prep. He felt relaxed and ready, he just wanted to be sure that he didn’t hurt himself. Once he was satisfied, he applied more lube to Dean’s cock, dragging his hand over him as slowly as possible. 

Dean squirmed and whined, squeezing his eyes shut. “If I don’t get to fuck you right now, I might explode.”

“Don’t finish before me.” Castiel met Dean’s eyes as he said it. He knew that his stare must have been intense because Dean looked like he was about to melt. 

“I won’t,” he promised. 

Castiel shifted forwards and lined himself up. He had to look away from Dean again, and he settled on closing his eyes as he slowly sank down. 

The feeling was glorious. It was just as good as when they did this the other way around. Castiel definitely preferred to top, but he liked this too. He wasn’t very vocal in bed, but finally being fully seated on Dean was enough to make him groan. He paused, rocking back and forth ever so slightly to adjust to the feeling. 

His eyes shot open when he felt hands on his thighs. He looked down, and Dean immediately took his hands away. 

“Sorry, I just-”

“It’s fine. You’re not forbidden from touching me, you just startled me.” He knew he was starting to be more friendly towards Dean, but he couldn’t help it. It was hard to be cold to him when he was so caring in return. 

Dean placed his hands back on Castiel’s thighs, tracing little patterns into the skin. For the first time that night, he was patient. He wasn’t rushing Castiel to move at all. It was obvious by his face that he was eagerly waiting, but he didn’t do or say anything to push Castiel. 

After another minute or so, Castiel started moving. He lifted himself up and sank back down slowly, his breath catching in his throat. Dean felt amazing, and Castiel was drunk on the feeling of him. It was so much better than actually being drunk. 

Castiel kept his promise of keeping it slow. He rose and fell at a languid pace, taking his sweet time to work himself up. Dean was a mess underneath him, moaning at every little movement. It was beautiful to listen to, and Castiel even hazarded a few glances at Dean to see what he looked like. He was just as beautiful as he sounded. 

Castiel closed his eyes again, stopping those thoughts in their tracks. He didn’t know what was wrong with him that night. He couldn’t stop thinking about Dean in a way that he shouldn’t. It was a dangerous path to go down, and he knew a heartbreak at this point in his life would send him on a downward spiral so bad that he would never resurface.

He finally started to pick up the pace once going slow wasn’t cutting it anymore. He felt Dean’s hands wrap around his hips, guiding him up and down. Castiel’s eyes were still closed and he ran his hands through his own hair, panting softly from the exertion. He forgot how much work it was to ride someone, and he even felt a little bad for making Dean do it a while back when he was too tired. 

“Ah! C-Castiel…”

The way Dean said his name made his chest do the thing again. He felt his heart beat a little faster and his face heated up. It was too much. 

“New rule, don’t say my name.”

“Wait, what? Why?” Dean was still breathless but clearly confused. 

“I said so.” Castiel knew he was being cold, but he had to squash the feeling before it got too big. 

“Fine.”

Castiel sped up a little more to get Dean’s mind off the new rule. He was getting close, and he didn’t need much longer. He opened his eyes to get a good look at Dean, and he seemed to be in the same boat. 

He bounced quickly, chasing the high. “You’re close, right?”

“Fuck, yes!”

Castiel squeezed his eyes shut again and gasped as he finally came. He managed to keep his rhythm, and a few seconds later, he felt Dean coming inside of him. 

Dean’s hands were tight on Castiel’s hips as he finished. His head was dropped against the pillow. “Jesus…” He stayed still while Castiel got off of him. 

“Great, now I have to shower. I forgot that barebacking is a mess.” Castiel groaned. 

“Hell, I’ll shower with you.”

Castiel looked at Dean and raised a brow. “I don’t have a very big shower. You’re going to be cold.”

“Worth it to see you naked for a little while longer.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “Fine.” He got up on shaky legs and walked to the bathroom, turning on the shower. He turned and saw Dean quickly following him to the bathroom. 

“It’s not that small.”

Castiel looked at his shower. “It’s small for two people. I’m sure you have a massive shower.” He stepped under the spray and immediately started washing himself. 

Dean followed Castiel into the shower and stood in front of him, pulling the curtain closed. “I actually don’t. It’s not much bigger than this one. I do have a bathtub.”

Castiel hummed. “Well, luckily this shower has a tub. I don’t ever use it.”

Dean nodded, watching Castiel. “So, why the new rule? You didn’t have a problem with me saying your name before.”

“I already told you. Because I said so.”

“You’re not my dad, you don’t get to tell me to do things just because you said so, that’s not fair.”

Castiel huffed. “Maybe it isn’t, I don’t know. I make rules around what makes me comfortable.”

Dean sighed. “I think I’d rather you work through whatever issue it is you’re having than for you to take it out on me.”

“You can just leave, you know.”

“I don’t want to.” Dean crossed his arms. 

“Do you know that you can be very irritating?” Castiel turned away from Dean and let the water run over his chest. 

“You can be very cold.”

Castiel turned back around. “Do you want to wash yourself or not?”

“I guess not. This went on way longer than usual, I should get home before it gets too late, and I’m starving.” He stepped out of the shower, still completely dry except for his feet. 

Castiel turned the water off and got out, drying himself off with a towel. He watched Dean leave the bathroom and sighed. He wiped the fog off of the mirror and looked at himself in it. Admittedly, he looked a little better than usual. He was relaxed and satisfied. He still had a hangover, which he planned on getting rid of by drinking again that night. 

When he emerged from the bathroom with a towel around his waist, Dean was dressed in his work clothes again, save for his tie, which he had left off. 

Dean pulled his shoes on. “See you at work tomorrow.”

“Alright. Be careful driving back, it’s nasty out.”

“Okay.” Dean walked down the stairs, and Castiel heard him leave the house. 

It was remarkable how amicable they could be after a mild argument at this point. It went to show that their relationship was improving somewhat. Castiel wasn’t sure if he was happy about that. 

Either way, he was ready to drink himself to sleep.


	16. Breaking Point

Dean liked the holidays. Christmas wasn’t a good holiday during his early childhood, but once John had turned his life around, Christmas became a good thing in Dean’s eyes. It was a time when he got to see all of his family at once. Frankly, that wasn’t very many people, just John, Bobby, and Sam, but they meant the world to him. 

For Christmas, Dean drove to Lawrence to see his family. Bobby drove in from Sioux Falls, and they had a proper family Christmas. It mostly involved watching TV and eating take-out food, but it was perfect for them. 

After Christmas, he drove out to Austin to see a few people out there. It was a long drive, but it was worth it. Even worse was the drive back to Minneapolis. It took him two days of driving, over seventeen hours in total. He loved driving, but two days felt like a lot. It was draining, especially because he was by himself the whole time with only his tapes to keep him company. He was relieved to be back at his apartment. 

When he went back to work the next day, he was excited for his evening. Benny had texted him and invited him to his restaurant for dinner. They had met up a few times since their first meeting and had really hit it off. Dean was glad to have another friend to keep him company. 

He barely saw Castiel that day. He didn’t see him in the elevator, and they only had one short meeting that they both attended. He looked significantly worse than he did before the holidays, which had Dean worried. If he didn’t already have dinner plans, he would have asked to go over to Castiel’s place that night. Maybe he could reach Castiel sometime soon. They were getting more friendly with one another, despite their occasional arguments. 

After work, Dean left the office and took an Uber to Benny’s restaurant. It wasn’t a far walk, but it was getting too cold to walk. The sidewalks were salted, but they still got icy, and the wind was vicious. The Uber only cost him a few dollars, and it was worth it to keep from freezing. 

He got out of the car and walked into the restaurant quickly. He took off his scarf and gloves, stuffing both into the pockets of his coat. He looked around and spotted Benny at the back of the restaurant. They made eye contact, and Benny smiled, approaching Dean. 

“C’mon in and sit, brother. We’ve got to catch up.” Benny led Dean to a booth at the back and sat down, gesturing for Dean to sit across from him. 

Dean sat down and took his coat off. “Yeah, long time no see. How’ve you been?”

“Good, good. Business is great, as you can probably tell.” Benny glanced out at the busy restaurant.

“Do you need to be working?”

“Nah, we have enough servers working tonight. I was just supervising. What do you want to eat?”

“You know how much I love your jambalaya.”

Benny grinned and held his hand up, waving to one of the servers. “Could you put in two orders of jambalaya for us? Thanks.” He looked back at Dean. “You know what you haven’t updated me about since we met? That ex of yours. You still seeing him?”

Dean blushed, chuckling awkwardly. “Yeah, I am.”

“Mmhm. How’s that going for you?”

“I know you think it’s a bad idea, but it’s really not so bad in practice. We’re getting more and more friendly with each other. I think he’s going through a lot right now. He’s not telling me about it, but I have my suspicions about him. I wish I could reach him. It’s pretty obvious that he’s not telling anyone about what’s going on; otherwise, I think he would be getting better. He looks worse every day.”

Benny drummed his fingers on the table. “You’ve got feelings for him, don’t you? You sound like a worried husband.”

Dean sighed. “I can’t help it. It just...happened.”

“I told you that you were going to fall for him again. That’s what happens when you go back to an ex.”

“I know, I know. Nothing is going to come out of it. He’s terrified of intimacy. God, he won’t even let me say his name anymore. He doesn’t look at me, and sometimes he jumps out of his skin when I touch him. Whenever he does look at me, it’s so intense that I think I’m going to die right there.”

Benny raised his brows. “Wow. He’s got it bad too.”

“What do you mean?”

Benny’s eyes widened, and he stared at Dean with a curious look on his face. “You don’t see what’s happening with him?”

“Um, no?”

“You got it right; he’s terrified of intimacy. He’s distant because he’s got feelings for you too, and he doesn’t want to. He’s probably in denial.”

Dean shook his head. “He’s said over and over that he has no interest in a relationship with me.”

“He can have feelings for you and still have no interest in a relationship with you. You said it ended badly, right? What happened?”

Dean looked away. “You’d hate me if I told you. Let’s just leave it at ‘I hurt him really bad", and I don’t think he’s forgiven me, even if he says he has.”

“I see.” Benny paused. “It’s a tricky situation. Normally I’d encourage you two to get together, but in your case, maybe that’s not the best idea. You said he’s going through a hard time right now? What does that mean?”

“Something is eating at him. My theory is that it’s his brother. He had a twin, and he died a few years ago. I don’t think he ever got over it. I would never get over it if Sam died. I nearly lost him once, and that almost destroyed me. It’s sad. I knew his brother pretty well. I knew his whole family. His two living brothers don’t like me very much anymore, but we were close back in the day.”

“I don’t have any siblings, so I wouldn’t know that kind of pain. I can imagine that it’s hard for him. It’s hard to lose any family member. A twin? That must have been brutal.” Benny shook his head. “Are you trying to help him?”

“I’ve tried. He doesn’t really listen to me. I don’t blame him. Why would he let me in of all people? I don’t deserve to be let in, but I’m trying. I don’t know if he’s reached out to anyone else, so I have to try. I can’t help that I care about him a lot, and I feel like if someone doesn’t do something soon, I’m going to lose him.”

“That bad?”

Dean nodded. “He looks like death every morning, and sometimes in the evenings when I see him, he just looks so lost. I don’t know how much longer I can watch, but I know I could never bring myself to leave him alone. He relaxes around me sometimes. Hell, he smiled the last time I saw him. That was probably the second time I’ve seen him smile.”

“It’s probably conflicting for him too. You may give him some comfort, but his denial of feelings for you must be hard.”

“Yeah, probably.” Dean sighed. “I feel bad talking about him like this, but I don’t really have anyone else I can tell about this stuff. I’m not going to tell Sam that I’m hooking up with Cas, He’d kill me.” He didn’t even notice that he used the nickname he wasn’t supposed to be using.

Benny shook his head. “Yeah, don’t tell him. Besides, I like listening to you. I think you and your ex have an interesting story going on, and I’m happy to be a listening ear.”

“Thanks, Benny.” Dean smiled a bit. 

“Anytime, chief.”

The conversation shifted away from the topic of Castiel, and they chatted each other’s ears off. They were good friends, and it was easy to talk to one another. They shared stories over their bowls of food, and when they were done, Dean had to leave. 

“It was good to see you again, Dean. You need to come in more often so we can chat.”

“Yeah, I will. It was good to see you too. Thanks for dinner.” He put his coat back on.

Benny stood up from the booth. “Take care of yourself. I’ll see you soon.”

“See ya.” Dean waved and left the restaurant, his Uber only a minute away. 

Dean went home and had a pleasant evening before going to bed. He felt like a load was off his chest after talking with Benny. It was easier to sleep without thinking about everything so much. 

The rest of Dean’s week was fairly uneventful, save for the fact that he asked Castiel twice if he was free, and he said no. It seemed unlike him, but maybe something was going on. 

On Friday, Dean was ready for the weekend. It was too snowy to drive, but he had movies that he wanted to watch, and it was set to be a fairly work-free weekend. 

He stepped onto the elevator and started to smile when he saw Castiel joining him. The smile stopped when he saw just how bad he looked. The bags under his eyes were deeper, and he looked like he was about to fall over. It was bad enough that Dean couldn’t believe he had come into work. 

“Hey, are you alright?” Dean asked. 

“I’m fine.”

“I’ll be honest, you don’t look like it. Why don’t you take a sick day and rest up over the weekend? I’m sure you need it.”

“I said I’m fine. I can work.” He swayed a little, making Dean wonder just how tired he was. 

“Okay.” Dean was quiet for the rest of the elevator ride. He watched Castiel disappear into his office and continued to his own. He was worried, more so than usual. He needed to try to see Castiel that night to at least check on him. He looked like he was about to keel over. 

Dean checked his schedule for the day and saw that he had a meeting just before lunch. Castiel would be there, so that was his chance to check on him again. He had to focus on his work to make sure that he didn’t have to work over the weekend, so he went into the zone. 

Once it was time for the meeting to start, he left his office and walked to the conference room. Everyone was arriving at about the same time. Dean sat at the front of the room and watched. Finally, he saw Castiel walking in.

Castiel walked slowly. He looked like a zombie. He stumbled a little just before he reached his seat. Once he was there, he sat down hard and pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn’t look well.

The realization hit Dean like an oncoming train. Castiel wasn’t sober. The more he looked at him, the more obvious it became. Dean’s stomach sank because he knew what he had to do as his boss. His job came first, so he was going to have to put their relationship aside. It hurt him to think about, but it was what he had to do. He was going to be as forgiving as he was responsibly able to, but the hammer had to fall. 

He went about the meeting normally. He took note of the fact that Castiel didn’t speak once through the whole thing. He definitely wasn’t mentally present. Dean tried not to look at him too much to keep from drawing attention to him. He knew that Castiel wouldn’t want his coworkers to know what was going on.

When the meeting ended, Dean tried to see if he could catch Castiel alone. Unfortunately, Castiel was one of the first ones out of the room. He sighed and waited for everyone to leave before walking out. He walked up to Castiel’s office door and knocked a few times. 

“Come in.”

Dean walked into Castiel’s office. “We need to talk.”

Castiel sighed. “If this is about me not letting you come over all week, I think we can wait until after work to talk about it.”

“That’s not what I’m here for.” Dean swallowed. This was hard. “I need you to be completely honest with me. Are you sober right now?”

Castiel looked caught off guard. He looked like he was debating what to say. “I pulled an all-nighter last night. That’s why I look awful.”

“You didn’t answer my question.” Dean knew he had his answer. 

Castiel swallowed. “Look, it was an accident. I swear I’m sober enough to work, I just-”

“No. Go home. You can’t come to work like this. I’ll let you off with a write-up, but this can’t happen again. You know I care about you, but here, I have to be your boss. If it happens again, you won’t be so lucky. Understand?”

Castiel’s resolve was breaking. He looked terrified. Of course he was. Dean knew how much he loved his job. It was probably the only thing keeping him as stable as he was.

Castiel nodded and started gathering his things. “It won’t happen again. I’m sorry.”

“I know you are. Please just get home safe and get some rest.” Dean opened the door to Castiel’s office and watched him leave. His heart ached, and he wanted badly to go after Castiel and comfort him somehow, but he had a job to do. He closed Castiel’s office door and returned to his own office. 

He ate lunch in silence, still upset about Castiel. He wrote him up for misconduct, which he knew was going easy on him. Other bosses may have fired him on the spot. Dean wondered if this was the first time it had happened. Frankly, he didn’t want to know. The responsibility of knowing as Castiel’s boss was too much. 

This couldn’t go on any longer. Someone had to do something. Dean knew how much Castiel loved his job. It had to be really bad for him to risk it by showing up to work drunk. Dean could go to Charlie. He didn’t have her number, but he could probably find her work email. He wondered if she was close enough to Castiel to be able to help. 

Suddenly, Dean knew exactly who he needed to talk to. Gabriel. He chewed his lip as he thought about it. Gabriel might refuse to speak to him. He had to try. Castiel was falling off the deep end, and there was nothing Dean could do except find someone else to help him. 

After work, he knew exactly where he needed to go. He ended up walking to Gabriel’s bakery. The wind had let up a little bit that day. He wore gloves and a scarf to keep warm as he walked through the cold air. 

The little bell rang as Dean walked through the door of the bakery, a happy little sound that mocked the somber day he was having. He looked behind the counter and saw a young adult woman working. He took off his gloves and scarf and walked up to the counter. 

“Hey, is the owner here? I need to talk to him.”

The woman nodded. “He’s in the back. I’ll go get him.”

“Thanks.” Dean waited anxiously, hands stuffed in his pockets. 

Gabriel emerged from the back with a customer service smile on. It twitched when he saw Dean. “What are you doing here?”

Dean swallowed. “We need to talk. Do you have a minute?”

Gabriel crossed his arms. “Why should I?”

“Please, I’m begging you here. Just five minutes, that’s all I need.”

Gabriel considered what Dean said and sighed. “Fine.” He walked out from behind the counter and led Dean over to a table in the corner. He sat down. “What do you want?”

“It’s about Castiel.”

“Oh, great. I’m not going to tell him to like you. I know you want to be buddies with him again, but it’s not going to work.”

“No, that’s not why I’m here.” Dean huffed. “Quit assuming.”

“Don’t blame me for assuming. You’re the one who screwed up.”

“It was years ago.”

“I don’t care.” 

Dean dragged his hands over his face. “Look, I’m sure you’ve noticed that Castiel isn’t himself. He looks worse by the day.”

“Of course I’ve noticed. I’m his brother; I notice these things. You need to butt out of our family business.”

Dean sighed. “Maybe I do, but I’m at a breaking point here. Do you have any idea what’s going on with him?”

“Why should I tell you?”

“Please, Gabriel, work with me here. This is for your brother’s sake.”

Gabriel huffed. “Fine.” He looked away. “No, I have no idea what’s wrong with him. I think I know the causes, there are a few, but I don’t know what’s happening with him. He won’t tell me.”

“He comes into work hungover every morning. I’m pretty sure of it.”

“How do you know that? Does he tell you?”

“Well, no, but-”

Gabriel shook his head. “Castiel wouldn’t. He was terrified of alcohol for years. He wouldn’t do that to himself.”

“He came into work drunk today.”

Gabriel’s face fell. “What?”

“He was acting off. He wasn’t talking during our meeting, and he stumbled when he walked. When I questioned him, he tried to lie and said he pulled an all-nighter, but he eventually admitted it. I wrote him up, but if I catch him again, I won’t have a choice but to let him go. I know how much he loves his job, and I have a feeling that it’s the thing that’s keeping him sane. I’d really hate for him to get fired, which is why I’m here. He needs help, and he’s not going to accept it from me. You have to do something, or he’s going to fall apart.”

Gabriel swallowed, averting his gaze from Dean. “I’m shocked you didn’t fire him. I’d fire one of my employees immediately if they came in drunk.”

“A lot of people would have.”

“Please tell me he didn’t drive into work.”

Dean shrugged. “I don’t know if he did or not. I doubt he would.” A lightbulb went off. The last time he saw Castiel, he took an Uber to work. He was probably lying about car trouble. “No, I don’t think he did. I’m sure he took an Uber.”

Gabriel let out a small sigh of relief. “Has he talked to you at all about this? Do you have any idea how long it’s been going on?”

“Um, definitely since I started working at Sandover. He’s never talked to me about it.” Nope, he was not going to mention that he had been seeing Castiel outside of work. He’d like to live, thank you very much. “He usually looks pretty bad in the morning, which is why I think he comes in hungover every day.”

Gabriel uncrossed his arms and rested them on the table. “I just can’t believe that I didn’t figure it out sooner. It’s not surprising. Our father was an addict, it probably runs in the family.”

“Trust me, I know.”

Gabriel was visibly upset. “I can’t lose another brother. It would kill me.” He paused. “It was Jimmy.”

“Oh, I know. I’m sorry about that.”

Gabriel sighed, raking a hand through his hair. “Thank you for coming to me.”

“No problem. If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.”

“The best thing you can do is stay away. Castiel doesn’t need to get hurt again, especially at a time like this. Given the state of him, I think it would break him. Just be his boss and don’t try to butt into his business.”

Dean nodded a little. “I won’t.” He didn’t like lying to Gabriel, but he didn’t want to throw himself and Castiel under the bus. “Don’t tell him that I came to you. He’ll probably freak out.”

“Oh, I won’t. You’re right. He’s probably embarrassed.” Gabriel stood up. “Do you want pie? It’s pecan today.”

Dean thought about it for a moment. “Sure. Why not?” He followed Gabriel to the counter and paid for the pie. 

“Thank you for looking out for Castiel. I’ll see what I can do to help him.”

“Glad to hear it. Thanks for the pie.” Dean picked up the takeout box. 

“No problem.”

Dean left the bakery, a sense of relief washing over him. It felt good to be on better terms with Gabriel. He really hoped that he would be the one to get through to Castiel. Surely the incident from that day would be enough of a wake-up call, but Castiel seemed pretty far gone. 

Dean checked his phone as he started walking to his apartment. What he saw shocked him.

**Castiel Novak**

_ Do you want to come over? _

Dean stared at the text for a few seconds. He wasn’t sure it was real. He thought that Castiel wouldn’t want anything to do with him after what had happened, but maybe he needed the comfort. Dean debated saying no. He wasn’t sure he could face Castiel. After thinking about it for a minute, he responded. 

**Dean Winchester**

_ Yeah, give me a bit to eat dinner, and I’ll be there. _

He stuck his phone back in his pocket and continued walking. When he arrived back at his apartment, he made a sandwich for dinner and consumed it in record time. He wanted to savor his pie, so he put it in the fridge for later. He changed into regular clothes and got to his car as fast as he could. 

As he drove, he thought about what he would say. Maybe it would be better to stay quiet. Castiel probably wouldn’t want to talk about it at all. Dean was sure that he would say something about minimal talking again. 

He arrived at Castiel’s house and knocked on the door. He heard Castiel’s voice from inside.

“It’s unlocked.”

Dean opened the door and walked inside. He glanced into the living room and saw Castiel slumped in his chair. He had a glass in his hand with some kind of liquor in it. Dean wasn’t sure what. He frowned and hung his coat on the door. 

“Hey, I won’t have sex with you while you’re drunk. It’s just-”

“We’re not having sex.” Castiel stood up and swayed. “Could you just sit with me?”

Dean stared, dumbfounded. Castiel looked broken. His eyes were red and puffy, so it was clear that he had been crying. He was obviously intoxicated, and he was in pajamas. He had on a grey t-shirt and purple pajama pants. The look on his face was pitiful. He looked like a kicked puppy. His hair was messed up, his body was slumped, and it was just sad to look at. There was no way that Dean could say no to him. 

“Yeah, I’ll stay.” Dean walked over to the couch and sat down with Castiel. His eyes widened when Castiel leaned on him, scooting right up next to him. 

“Thank you.”

Dean carefully wrapped an arm around him. That seemed to make him relax. “No problem.”

For a long time, Dean simply held Castiel while he finished his drink. They didn’t talk or move. The air was heavy with sorrow, which made Dean want to hold Castiel a little tighter. He wished that he could take away his pain. 

After a while, Dean decided to check-in. “How’re you doing? Have you had dinner?”

Castiel shook his head. “I missed lunch today too.” His voice was a little slurred.

Dean frowned. “I’m ordering you food. You want a burger? Do you still like those?”

Castiel nodded. “That sounds nice.”

Dean pulled out his phone and ordered a burger on a food delivery app. It was just past rush hour, so hopefully, it would arrive quickly. 

“You can turn on the TV if you want. I’m sure you’re bored,” Castiel mumbled. He rested his head on Dean’s shoulder. 

Dean saw the TV remote on the side table and leaned over to pick it up. He turned the TV on, but it was hard to pay attention to anything happening on it with Castiel there. Dean couldn’t stop watching him to make sure he was okay. The background noise helped the time pass a little, but Dean wasn’t fully watching anything on the TV.

When Castiel’s food arrived, Dean left him on the couch and answered the door. He tipped the driver and brought the bag over to the couch. He handed Castiel the container that held his food. 

“Thanks.” Castiel was sliding down on the couch a little, his back curled and his legs sticking out on the coffee table. 

Dean sat back down next to him while he ate. “Do you miss dinner often?” This was his chance to ask Castiel questions. He was drunk, so he wasn’t thinking much about his inhibitions.

“Yeah,” Castiel mumbled around his food. “Too much effort.”

Dean could imagine that drinking on an empty stomach every night had an ill-effect on his body. “You should try. You’ll feel better if you eat.”

“Don’t want to feel better.”

Dean frowned and watched Castiel eat slowly. “Why not?”

Castiel shrugged, staring at his food before taking another bite. He didn’t seem to have an answer for Dean. 

“What happened to make you come into work as you did? I never thought that you would do something like that.”

“No more talking.” Castiel closed his eyes briefly. He had finished most of his burger, but he looked done. “Can we go to bed?”

“Sure.” He looked at Loki, who was asleep in the chair. “Does your cat need food?”

Castiel shook his head. “I fed him before you got here.”

“Okay, that’s good.” Dean picked up the trash and took it to the trash can. When he turned around, Castiel had gotten up, and he was walking sluggishly to the stairs. 

Dean caught up to him and put an arm around him, leading him up the stairs slowly. He didn’t want Castiel to trip and hurt himself. He led Castiel all the way to the bed and helped him lay down. 

Castiel laid down and grabbed Dean’s arm, looking up at him with a gaze so intense, so scared, that it made Dean freeze on the spot. “I don’t want to be alone.”

Dean nodded and put his hand over Castiel’s. “I know. I’m not going anywhere.” He gently took Castiel’s hand off of his arm and shrugged off his flannel, and stepped out of his jeans. If he was going to sleep there, he wanted to be comfortable. 

He got into bed with Castiel and pulled the covers over himself. His eyes widened a little when Castiel threw himself into Dean’s arms and buried his face in his shoulder. He was clinging to him like a koala to a tree. All Dean could do was wrap his arms around Castiel and hold him. He was glad that Castiel had a comfortable bed to sleep in. At least it wasn’t his first time falling asleep in this bed. 

Dean felt a wetness on his shoulder and looked down to see tears rolling down Castiel’s cheeks. His eyes were closed, and he was silent, but he was crying. Dean felt like he was seeing just how much pain Castiel was in, and it was heartbreaking to watch. 

He held Castiel a little tighter and kissed the top of his head. “I’m here,” he whispered. Castiel didn’t respond, clearly too tired to do much more. 

Dean felt his breathing even out after a while, and he knew Castiel had fallen asleep. It took him a little while longer, but soon, he too was asleep. 

~~~

####  **October 14th, 2002**

Castiel and Dean had to be careful about public displays of affection. People were slowly growing more used to seeing gay couples, and in big cities, there were pride parades, but in Lawrence, Kansas, people were still unsure of the idea. It meant that when Castiel and Dean were in public, they had to act like two best friends. It was the best thing to do for their safety. 

One day, they were at the park. It was a crisp fall day. The leaves were all turning, painting the park with dashes of orange and yellow across the treeline. The pathways were covered in leaves that Dean liked to crunch under his feet. 

They had walked around for a while, just talking about life. They had been avoiding the topic of college. Both of them had applied to their schools of choice. Dean applied to the University of Texas, and Castiel applied to the University of Chicago. They didn’t want to think about having to say goodbye to each other, so they didn’t talk about it. 

“Hey, do you want to sit down for a bit?” Castiel gestured to a bench.

Dean nodded. “Yeah, we’ve been walking for a while.” He sat down on the bench and looked out at the green landscape in front of them. It was a beautiful day. 

Castiel seemed to have something on his mind. “We haven’t talked at all about college.”

Dean swallowed. “I know.”

“You know I don’t want to be far away from you. I just...I have to stay close to my brothers. We need to support each other.”

“I know. You should go to Chicago.” Dean looked down at the ground and crunched a leaf with his shoe. 

“You should go to Texas too. The one time you did talk about it, you talked about how much you loved Austin. It’s a great school, too.”

Dean nodded and sighed. “You know how much I like road trips. I’d drive up to see you whenever I could.”

“I know.” Castiel stared off at the trees. “It’s just going to be different, you know? We’ve spent nearly every day together for the past three years. You’re my best friend as well as my boyfriend. It’s just going to be hard to be so far apart.”

“Yeah.” Dean stuck his hands in his pocket. “I think we can do it.”

“You do?”

Dean nodded. “We’re stuck like glue. I can’t imagine anything that could ever break us up. I don’t want to give up on our relationship just because we’ll be far away for a few years. Hell, maybe I’ll move to Chicago if I hate Texas. I know we can make it work.”

Castiel gave a soft smile. “I think so too. At least, I hope so. I want to make it work. We’ll just have to see where we’re at, you know?”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, that’s true. Still, I have full confidence in us. We’re going to make it, yeah?”

Castiel nodded. “Yeah.” If they weren’t in public, they would have kissed. Instead, they hugged each other tightly.


	17. Revealing The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a doozy, the one we've all been waiting for! Buckle up!

Castiel woke up and felt his body relax. He felt safe. Arms were wrapped around him, and he felt a warm body against his own. It was pleasant until he remembered that he lived alone. He shot up and backed away from the other person, shock coming over his face when he realized that the other person was Dean, who was waking up. 

“Castiel? Hey, it’s fine. Do you remember inviting me over?”

The memories came flooding back, and Castiel felt embarrassment wash over him like a tidal wave. He couldn’t believe that he had texted Dean and cuddled with him all night; it seemed so ridiculous. Even more ridiculous was that Dean said yes. 

Before Castiel could say anything else, he had to rush to the bathroom to kneel in front of the toilet for a bit. His arms trembled, and he held onto his own knees for support. 

He startled when he felt a hand on his back. “Please, I’d rather do this alone.”

“Sorry, I’ll wait out here.” Dean left the bathroom and gently closed the door. 

Castiel stayed there for about ten more minutes. Once he was sure that it was over, he left the bathroom and saw Dean standing there with a glass of ice water. He sighed and took the glass. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Castiel couldn’t bear to look at Dean. He was so embarrassed. He swallowed a few gulps of water before speaking. “I can’t even begin to say how sorry I am.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t mind. You clearly needed someone.”

Castiel shook his head. “No, I was just drunk, and I was stupid.” He rubbed his hand over his face. “I should apologize for work too, shouldn’t I?”

“You kind of already did.”

“I wasn’t sober then.” He took another sip of water. “I’m sorry I came into work like that. I should have just called in sick. I was up until six am the night before. I wasn’t paying attention to the time, so it wasn’t nearly enough time to sober up. I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I decided that I couldn’t miss work, so I went in. It was stupid, and I deserve much worse for it.”

“Just...please don’t let it happen again. I won’t have a choice if I catch you again, and it would kill me to have to fire you. I know how much you love your job.” Dean leaned against the wall. 

“My job is the only thing keeping my head above water, I think,” Castiel mumbled. “Sorry.” He shook his head. 

“It’s okay.” Dean paused. “Have you considered getting help?”

“Of course I have.” Castiel looked away. “I’ve already tried.”

Dean seemed surprised that Castiel was talking this much. “If you ever need anyone to talk to about this stuff, I’m here.”

“If I were going to talk to anyone, it wouldn’t be my boss who just so happens also to be my ex. I’m sorry you had to see me like that last night, and I’m sorry that it’s not the first time you’ve taken care of me while I was drunk out of my mind. I’ve tried changing. I just can’t.”

“You can, and I know you will. Come on, man, you’re stubborn as hell. I know you’re not a quitter. Why give up?”

“Because I’m too tired.” Castiel’s voice was solemn, a low tone that showed just how exhausted he was. 

Dean started to say something, but then there was a knock on the front door. Both of them froze. 

“Did you lock my front door when you came in?” Castiel asked. 

“Uhhh...I don’t know.” 

The door opened, and they heard a voice from downstairs. “Cassie?” It was Gabriel.

Castiel’s face fell. “Shit, get in the bathroom and don’t come out until I come to get you. He can’t know that you’re here.”

“Yeah, he would murder me.” Dean ran into the bathroom as quietly as possible and closed the door. 

Castiel opened his bedroom door just in time to see Gabriel walking up the stairs. “What are you doing here?”

“We need to chat.” Gabriel stopped, waiting for Castiel to follow him back down. 

Castiel walked down the stairs. “About what?” He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and stayed there, blocking them from Gabriel. 

Gabriel started opening cabinets in Castiel’s kitchen and paused when he found his liquor stash. He looked back at Castiel. “It’s not just a glass of wine with dinner, is it?”

Castiel’s eyes widened. “How did you-”

“I’ve been looking at you. You look a little worse every day, you were touchy about your wine at Thanksgiving, and you drank a little too much of my eggnog at Christmas. I should have noticed sooner.”

Castiel swallowed. “It’s not that serious.”

Gabriel shook his head. “Please, don’t lie to me, not about this. Dad is dead to us, we lost Jimmy, and now I’m afraid that I’m going to lose you too. Just be honest with me. I’m here to help you, not judge you.”

Castiel felt a little trapped. He couldn’t lie to his brother any longer. “I...I don’t really know what to say.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? We tell each other everything.”

Castiel resisted the urge to glance up the stairs at his secret that was trapped up there. “I thought you would be ashamed of me.”

Gabriel sagged a little. “Oh, Cassie.” He shook his head. “I could never be ashamed of you.”

“I turned out just like Chuck; how could you not be?”

“You are nothing like him. Nothing. Look around. Your house is perfectly clean, you have a well-fed cat, and you have a job that you love. You’re not a neglectful asshole. You’re still so kind and caring.”

“Why do you say that? I stormed out of your bakery a few days ago.”

“I was prying; you were scared. That’s why I came here. I knew you needed help.”

Castiel leaned against the wall, wrapping his arms around himself. “I’ve already tried to stop. It didn’t go well.”

“You need help. You can’t tackle this alone. Whether it’s me, or another friend, you need someone. Better yet, you need to see a counselor. They can help you work through the issues that caused this.”

Castiel sighed. “So I’ve been told.” He looked away. “I know something needs to change. My job is at risk now.”

“You can’t risk losing your job. I know that would destroy you. You’ve loved that job for years.” Gabriel walked over to the couch. “Come on, let’s talk this out.”

Castiel warily stepped away from the stairs, feeling bad for Dean, who was still trapped upstairs. “Okay.” He sat down on the couch next to Gabriel. 

Gabriel looked at Castiel. “Did this start when Jimmy died?”

Castiel shook his head. “No, but I think it’s a factor. I avoid thinking about it at all costs. It’s just too much. I buried myself with work when he died, and then eventually, I started drinking. It started last year, around the start of the year, I think.”

“Was it around the time-”

Castiel nodded and cut Gabriel off. “Yeah, right after, I think.”

Gabriel sighed. “I don’t blame you. Hell, I’d probably start drinking too.”

“You’re good at moderation. We both know I’m not.”

“True,” Gabriel replied. “So, what’s our next step? I think we should dump what you have so that you can start fresh.”

Castiel shook his head. “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I was nearly incapacitated the last time I stopped. I can’t just quit cold turkey. I wouldn’t be able to work.”

“Use those vacation days that you never use. Take time off to get through the worst of it.”

Just as Castiel was about to speak, there was a sneeze from upstairs. Castiel’s eyes widened, and Gabriel’s brows furrowed. 

“Who’s upstairs?”

Castiel laughed awkwardly. “No one.”

Gabriel stood up from the couch. “That’s not suspicious at all.”

Castiel stood up and blocked the stairs. Gabriel narrowed his eyes. 

“Who is it?”

“Like I said, no one.”

Gabriel stared at Castiel for a few seconds before bolting around him. Castiel tried to grab him, but he was small and fast. 

“Gabriel!” Castiel shouted. 

Gabriel ran up the stairs and looked around the bedroom. He spotted the closed bathroom door and grabbed the handle, opening the door. “I knew it!”

Castiel made it to the top of the stairs and rounded the corner to the bathroom. He saw Gabriel looking inside and swallowed. “I can explain!”

Dean let out a terrified laugh, flattened against the back wall of the bathroom. “Yeah, he can explain.”

Gabriel had fury in his eyes. “You son of a bitch, what did I tell you?! I told you to stay far away from him! I should have known, I saw your car parked in the street, and I thought it just so happened to be another person with an impala.”

Castiel reached out to try and pull Gabriel away. 

“Don’t!” Gabriel snapped. 

“Gabriel, you’re being unreasonable. Don’t you think I had some say in whether or not he was here?”

Gabriel looked at Castiel. “Then what were you thinking?! After everything that happened, why would you want anything to do with him? Don’t you remember how bad it was after you two broke up?”

“Of course I remember. That’s why we’re not a couple.”

Gabriel paused. “You’re not?”

Castiel shook his head. “Not at all. We’re barely friends. He fell asleep here last night. You can guess the rest.”

Gabriel made a face. “Gross.” He looked at Dean. “You’re the one who suggested this, aren’t you?”

Dean swallowed. “Um, yeah?”

Gabriel groaned and put his face in his hands. “You two are so stupid! This is stupid! Why did you think this was a good idea?”

Castiel sighed. “Honestly, I don’t know, but it’s been working for months, so it’s fine.”

“Months?! You mean this wasn’t just a one-time thing?! Oh god!”

Castiel rubbed a hand over his face. “You weren’t supposed to know.”

“I wish I didn’t!” Gabriel glared at Dean. “You already know that I’ll kill you if you hurt my brother so that I won’t say it again. This was a dumb idea, and I think you two should knock it off before one of you develops feelings for the other.”

Castiel knew that it was already too late. He was denying it, but his feelings for Dean were back in full force. He knew he could never act on them, but he wasn’t going to deny himself the comfort that spending time with Dean gave him. As dumb as he was to text him the previous night, his night with Dean gave him the best sleep he had in years. He couldn’t deny that it felt amazing to have another person there to soothe him through the worst of his feelings. 

Dean peeled himself off the wall and stood up fully. “That’s not going to happen. We’re just messing around.”

Gabriel narrowed his eyes at Dean. “You should leave.”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, I’ll get dressed. You have to let me out of the bathroom, though.”

“I’m working on it.” Gabriel stepped out the way of the bathroom door and watched Dean leave the bathroom. 

Castiel pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “This is a mess. I’m sorry.”

“It’s partially my fault for showing up unannounced,” Gabriel admitted. 

Dean finished pulling his jeans on and grabbed his flannel off the floor. “And my fault for sneezing.”

Castiel shook his head. “Come on. I’ll walk you out.” He led Dean down the stairs and to the front door. 

Dean turned around once he was there. “I’m sorry, I-”

“It’s fine. I’ll see you Monday.”

“Okay. See you then.” Dean left the house awkwardly, quickly pulling his coat on. 

Castiel shut the door and turned around to see Gabriel standing there. “Um, sorry?”

“Ugh, don’t be. I can’t control you.” Gabriel sighed. “Now, where were we? Right, let’s dump your stash.”

“Gabriel, I can’t. If I’m going to do this, I have to taper off. You have no idea how bad it was when I went one night without drinking. I didn’t sleep a wink, and I couldn’t keep food down. It was like the worst hangover I’ve ever had.”

Gabriel frowned but nodded. “Fine, I’ll agree to that as long as you agree to keep talking to me about this stuff. I’ll drive out here so we can talk in a more private area.”

“That’s fine.”

“Good.” Gabriel gave a soft smile. “Hey, we’re gonna get through this. This is just a speedbump, okay? You’re not too far gone. You need to find solidarity. Have you considered AA?”

“I have; the thought of it just scares me.”

“Just give it a try. If you hate it, you never have to go again.”

Castiel paused for a moment. “Fine. I’ll look into it.”

Gabriel smiled a little bigger. “You’ve got this, okay? C’mere.” He held his arms out. 

Castiel walked up to Gabriel and hugged him. “Thanks for looking out for me.”

“You looked out for me for years. It’s my turn now.”

Castiel pulled back from the hug. “Are you working in the bakery today?”

“Yeah, as always. It runs just fine without me, but you know I like to keep an eye on things. I should probably get back soon.”

“I actually have some work I have to do this weekend to catch up from missing most of yesterday.”

“Why did you miss most of yesterday?”

Castiel froze. “Um, I got sent home.”

“Were you drunk?”

Castiel nodded. “Yeah.”

Gabriel sighed. “You need to use your paid time off and vacation days. Don’t risk your job, okay? You need it.”

“I know,” Castiel said quietly. 

“I’ll come back in a week. You can come into the bakery anytime if you need to. I’m here for you, alright?”

“Alright. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Gabriel walked to the door and opened it. “Take care of yourself, Cassie.”

“I’ll try.”

Gabriel gave a half-hearted smile and closed the door, leaving Castiel alone. 

Once he was alone, Castiel ate some breakfast before sitting down on the couch to work for a while. 

When he had a lull in his work, he started looking up local AA meetings. There was one just a few miles from his house, at a church that he passed frequently. It met on Tuesday evenings. The time gave Castiel enough time to get home, eat dinner, feed his cat, and then drive to the meeting. It was perfect.

That night, Castiel tried to moderate himself. He went much slower and tried to pour smaller amounts than usual. It was hard, but hey, he was trying. 

On Sunday, his hangover was not nearly as bad as the one he had on Saturday. He spent the day working to catch up and make sure he was on track. 

On Monday, he went into work feeling pretty shitty. He had made a significant cut in the amount he drank, and his body wasn’t taking it well. He made it through the day without speaking much to Dean, which he honestly preferred. He felt that they needed space for a couple of days. 

On Tuesday, Castiel was terrified. He had seen movies that depicted AA, and it sounded patronizing and embarrassing. He wasn’t looking forward to it at all, but he had to try. He promised Gabriel that he would. 

After work, he started debating flaking out. He could just continue his own cut back on his drinking and do it alone, but that would mean backing out of his promise. He had done rather poorly the night before and had way more than he should have, so his own methods weren’t even working. He had to try something else, or this would be the rest of his life. 

He drove to the church and parked outside of the building it was supposed to be in. There were a lot of cars, so he assumed that there was a large group. Maybe that was better. He could disappear in the crowd, and no one would bother him. 

He opened the doors of the building and saw a group of about fifteen people seated in a circle. They all turned and looked at Castiel when he walked in, which made him even more nervous. 

His heart stopped completely when he made eye contact with a familiar face. Dean was staring right back at him. Castiel’s face went beet red with embarrassment, and he went straight back out the door, making a beeline for his car. 

“Castiel! Wait!”

“No! Leave me alone!” Castiel shouted back. He was about ten steps from his car when someone grabbed his arm. “Let me go!”

Dean held onto Castiel tightly. “No, just give me a minute!”

Castiel tried to pull away, his teeth chattering in the cold. “Why should I?”

Dean pulled something out of his pocket with his other hand. He held up a keychain full of tokens. He held up one of them. “I’m three years sober.”

Castiel hadn’t even registered that Dean was in an AA meeting. He froze, staring at the keychain. “You were an alcoholic?”

“I am.”

Castiel swallowed. “I’m not going back in there.”

Dean pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through it for a few seconds before turning it around. On his phone was a picture of him with a brunette woman and a kid who looked about ten years old. “This was my family, back in Austin. I never married Lisa, and Ben isn’t my biological kid, but they were my family. I lost them because of my drinking. I nearly lost my job too. I was drunk every night, and I got angry for no reason all the time. Lisa finally kicked me out, and I lived in a motel for six months. That was my wake-up call. I wanted them back so badly, so I got sober. I started going to AA, and I did everything I could to better myself. When I went back to them, it was too late. Lisa didn’t love me anymore, and Ben was afraid that I would be like I was before. I lost my family because of alcohol. You? You could lose your job. I can’t be lenient with you for long. Push is going to come to shove, and if you screw up again, I have to let you go.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Castiel was shivering.

“I’m telling you because this is my last-ditch effort to get through to you. I’m watching you suffer the same way I did years ago. This disease will kill you if you don’t fight it. Please, come back inside. I’ll leave and go to a different one. I only came this far out to avoid seeing anyone from the office. A fat lot of good that did, huh?” He chuckled awkwardly.

Castiel watched as Dean finally let go of his arm. “I...I can’t go back in there. That was the most embarrassed I’ve ever been in my life.”

“Then I’ll go home with you.”

“No, I want to be alone.”

Dean huffed. “Screw it, Cas, you’ve been alone this whole time, and look where you are! If it’s not me, let somebody, anybody, in.”

Castiel felt tears coming faster than he could stop them. It was all too much. “Please…” He hiccuped. “Don’t call me Cas. It hurts. It hurts too much.” He broke down, a sob ripping through him. 

Dean backed off a little. “Are you sure you want to be alone?”

Castiel wiped his stinging eyes and took a deep breath. “No, I know if I go back there by myself, I’m going to drink until I pass out on my sofa.”

“Then I’ll come with you. I’ll meet you there, okay?”

Castiel nodded. “Okay.” 

Dean shivered a little and wrapped his coat around himself. “I’ll see you there.” He walked to the opposite side of the parking lot. 

Castiel was surprised that he didn’t see Dean’s car. It was right there. He just wasn’t looking close enough. He got into his own car and started it up quickly. He was freezing from standing out there in the cold. He drove back to his house, still wiping his eyes. He was trying not to cry anymore, but it was hard. 

He arrived back at the house, the impala driving in right behind him. He parked so that there was room for Dean to park in the driveway and got out of his car, hurrying to the door to get out of the way of the wind. 

Dean followed Castiel into his house and shut the door behind them. “You good?”

Castiel didn’t answer. He walked into his kitchen and opened his liquor cabinet. He stared up into it. “I know I should just dump it, but I’m too scared.”

Dean walked into the kitchen and looked up into the cabinet. “Want me to do it?”

Castiel nodded and stepped back. He chewed his thumbnail while he watched Dean open each bottle and pour it down the sink. “Is this the best way to do it?”

“For most people, yeah. If you start having health complications, you’ll have to go to the hospital and do detox.” 

Castiel sighed and looked at his wine cooler. He opened it and started setting bottles of wine on the counter. “I’m suddenly glad that I switched to cheap wine.”

Dean chuckled softly. “That’s a positive.” He pulled the cork off each bottle and poured them down the drain. 

Castiel watched as the last of his alcohol was dumped. “I think I need to take time off. The last time I went cold turkey, I felt like shit.”

“Take a week off. You have vacation days. You should use them on this. Just try to eat whenever you can and keep yourself distracted. I recommend ordering in food so that you don’t get tempted by the alcohol at the store. The first week is the worst of it. Once it’s over, you start to feel better.” Dean rinsed out the bottles and put them in Castiel’s recycle bin. 

Castiel nodded and took a deep breath. “You said you were three years sober?”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, it’ll be four years in a few months.”

“Is it still hard?”

Dean sighed. “That’s a tricky question. It’s not as hard as it was when I first started, not by a long shot, but it’s not perfect. There’s still temptation, but it’s gotten easier over time. I have good days and bad days. There are some days when nothing sounds better than to drink myself stupid, but other days I feel repulsed by it because I remember how bad it was.”

Castiel leaned against the counter. “You said distractions are good?”

“Definitely. Are you asking if I’ll come over?”

“Yeah. You’re a good distraction, I think.”

Dean smiled a bit. “I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve said about me since we met again.”

“Oh, shut up!” Castiel huffed. 

Dean hummed. “Do you want me to stay tonight? I can’t spend the night, but I’ve got another hour or so.”

Castiel shook his head. “No, I think I’m alright. Thanks for coming.”

“Any time. Just text me if you need anything, alright?”

“Yeah, I will.” For some reason, it felt much easier now to let Dean in. Now that he knew that they shared an experience, he felt a little closer to him. It felt like they were on much friendlier terms than before. 

Dean opened the door and waved a bit. “Bye, Castiel.”

“Bye.” Castiel watched him leave and sighed. He could do this. 

~~~

####  **March 3rd, 2003**

It was a normal day for Castiel. He had driven himself, Gabriel, and Jimmy to school. Spring was just beginning, so things were starting to bloom. The dead trees had little sprigs of green coming off the tips of the branches. 

Castiel had gotten into the University of Chicago. They were set to move out there once Castiel and Jimmy graduated. Gabriel was going to finish high school out there. Dean had gotten into the University of Texas and was set to attend there. 

With the invention of Skype, Castiel and Dean were hopeful about their relationship. They already made plans to meet each other halfway in Missouri whenever they had the chance. Castiel still had family in Lawrence, so hopefully, they would see each other over the holidays as well. 

Castiel walked into the school and opened his locker. A sheet of paper fell out and landed on the ground. He picked it up and looked it over. He unfolded it to read it and saw that it was from his and Dean’s mutual friend, a girl named Rachel. 

_ Dear Cas,  _

_ I’m writing this letter to apologize to you. I’ve done something really awful, and I can’t keep it a secret any longer. Dean and I were hanging out at his place, and it went too far. We were drunk, and we ended up sleeping together. We’ve been hanging out for a while, and I never thought it would go that far, but it did. I didn’t do it to break you two up, and I hope you stay together after this. Dean said it was a mistake and that he didn’t want you to find out because he didn’t want to hurt you. I know he feels awful. I hope you can forgive both of us.  _

_ With love,  _

_ Rachel _

Castiel couldn’t think. He could hardly breathe. His eyes were welling up with tears, but he had to hold himself together. He still had a full day of classes to attend. He folded up the letter and put it in his back pocket before continuing to class. 

All day, he was on the verge of tears. He thought about letting it out in the bathroom, but that seemed like a bad idea because then he’d look like a mess when he left. Instead, he kept it bottled up and made sure to avoid every route that he usually took through the school to avoid seeing Dean. 

When he left his last class of the day, he walked out to his car as fast as possible, hoping his brothers would catch up before Dean got there. Unfortunately, Dean was already waiting by his car. 

“Hey, I didn’t see you all day. Where were you?”

Castiel pulled the letter out of his back pocket and shoved it against Dean’s chest. “What the fuck did you do?!”

Dean’s eyes widened, and he opened the letter. He quickly scanned it, and his face fell. “Cas, you don’t understand. It was an accident, and I-”

“I don’t care! Get away from me!”

“Cas, please.”

“No! Go away before my brothers see us.” Castiel’s eyes were burning with tears. 

Dean looked desperately at Castiel before finally leaving. He walked away slowly with the letter still in his hands. 

Castiel got into his car and wiped his eyes. He didn’t want his brothers to see that anything was wrong. 

Gabriel got into the car first. “Heya, Cassie!” He paused. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

Jimmy got into the passenger seat. He seemed to notice that something was wrong too. “Cassie? What happened?”

Castiel gripped the steering wheel. “I said it’s nothing.” He started up the car and backed it out of the spot, beginning the drive back to their apartment. He was silent the whole way, fighting back the tears that were threatening to spill. 

When he arrived at the apartment, he got inside as fast as he could. He was surprised to see Michael at home.

“Castiel? Are you alright?”

Was it really that obvious that he was upset? All of his brothers were in the same room now. 

He sighed and chewed the inside of his cheek. “Dean cheated on me.”

Michael stood up. “He did what?”

“I got a letter from Rachel, apologizing for it. I don’t think Dean was planning on telling me. I don’t know if I wish I didn’t know or if I’m glad that I do know.”

“Be glad that you do know,” Gabriel said. “Now you know that Dean is a grade-A dick.”

Jimmy nodded in agreement. “You broke up with him, right?”

“Not officially. I’ve already yelled at him a little. I’ll probably call him tonight and cut the cord if he doesn’t call me first.”

Michael sighed. “Cassie, I’m so sorry. I know how much Dean meant to you. Gabriel’s right. He’s a dick, and you shouldn’t stay with him. He’s not worth it. Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

Castiel furiously wiped his eyes. “I’m going to my room.” He ran to his room and closed the door. The tears he had been holding back all day finally fell. He dropped his bookbag and fell to his bed in a pool of tears. His chest ached, and he finally knew what heartbreak felt like. 

After some time, Castiel calmed down and started on his homework as a distraction. He was glad to have his own room, where he could be as upset as he needed to be without anyone watching him. 

He ventured out to the kitchen to get some dinner, and he heard a knock on the door. 

Michael looked up from where he was sitting on the couch. “Do you think that’s Dean?”

“Who else could it be?” Castiel sighed. 

“I’ll give you some privacy.” Michael left the room and closed himself in the bathroom. 

Castiel took a deep breath before opening the door. Sure enough, Dean was standing there with a bouquet of white roses, Castiel’s favorite. He looked pitiful. 

“Cas, I can’t even begin to say how sorry I am.” He handed the flowers to Castiel. “I know what I did was wrong. I knew it even as it was happening. There’s nothing between Rachel and me. We were just friends, and then it just...happened. I was so drunk, and I wasn’t thinking. I freaked out afterward, and I knew that you were going to find out somehow. I was trying to think of how to tell you. I wasn’t going to keep it a secret forever. You don’t deserve to be lied to.”

“I didn’t deserve to be cheated on.”

“I know, you’re right. You deserve the world. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Cas.”

The nickname sounded poisonous on Dean’s tongue. It was starting to make Castiel recoil.

“Please, I’m begging you, give me another chance. It was a one-time thing. I’ve learned my lesson, I swear. I never wanted to hurt you. It was a stupid mistake, and I’m so fucking sorry.”

Castiel looked at the roses in his hands. Their beautiful petals mocked the ugliness of the situation. He scowled and shoved the roses back into Dean’s hands. “If you truly valued our relationship, you wouldn’t have cheated. I don’t care how sorry you are. We’re done!” His voice was rising, and he was practically yelling. “Fuck you! Get out of my life, and don’t you ever come back!” That was yelling.

Dean stared blankly at Castiel, mouth open. He started to say something else, but Castiel slammed the door in his face. 

Castiel locked the door and stormed back to his room. He looked around for something to hit and settled on his pillow. He punched it several times before throwing it across the room. He grabbed his other pillow and screamed into it. 

His door opened, and Michael stuck his head in. “Hey, you okay?”

Castiel pulled the pillow away from his face. He looked at Michael and sniffled, the tears falling freely. “No.”

“Did you break up with him?”

Castiel nodded. “I tried not to yell at him, but that didn’t go so well. Hopefully, our neighbors aren’t too pissed.” He laughed weakly before pressing the pillow back to his face, crying into it. 

Michael walked up to Castiel and hugged him. “It’s going to be okay. I promise. We’re moving soon, and you’ll make new friends. College is a whole different world. It’ll be better than this.”

Castiel leaned against his brother and dropped his pillow. “It better be.” 

That night, he ripped up all of his pictures with Dean and threw them away. He cried himself to sleep, his chest still aching with the heartbreak of losing his best friend. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my amazing cheerleader and alpha/beta reader [starespressos](https://starespressos.tumblr.com) who has literally saved me with this fic  
> Follow me on [tumblr](https://deanieweaniewrites.tumblr.com/) for more updates and my general ramblings about this story!


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